What's At Risk? 

 One of the most courageous things we do on our life journey is to face our own addictions, wounds and family of origin issues. While I will never forget the physical pain of giving birth and the incredible sense of power getting to the other side of that process, walking daily with a Higher Power and taking responsibility for my life in all areas and in all ways draws even more deeply from my core. 

   In cosex addiction, like not other addiction, it is most challenging to keep the focus on ourselves. Since many women come into cosex addiction through a partner's sex addiction, this is understandable. However, eventually, if we are to truly commit to living an emotionally and spiritually mature life, we must come to seeing ourselves as responsible for where our life is right here and right now. We are not victims to what happens to us in our lives. Yes, we are victimized and trauma, incest, sexual assault, betrayal, abuse we have endured is real. We don't take responsibility for what has happened to us. We do, however, take responsibility for what will happen to us from this day forward. 

   In order to grow ourselves up, own our power, reconnect to our intuitive wisdom and learn the mastery of our own boundaries and voice, we must ask ourselves, "what's at risk for letting go of being a victim in our own lives?" There is a payoff in keeping ourselves small and voiceless once we are aware. When we are able to be honest about this, we begin to access our choices around it. Awareness leads to choice.

   When I asked myself recently "what was at risk for me to do something different in my marriage" I was faced with the part of me that doesn't want to grow up. Although I've done father loss and reprinting work for years, there is still a small, fatherless little girl inside who misses her dad. In fully embracing my voice and power in my marriage, I give up the fantasy, at another level, that my husband is going to fill the daddy void inside. These awarenesses are subtle and in seeing the subtleties, there is great power and choice. 

   In all our addictive behavior and most especially in the dynamic of cosex addiction and sex addiction, answering the "what's at risk?" question honestly gifts us abundantly. We have another opportunity for deeper connection to ourselves and others. We see choices more clearly and experience greater freedom. There is less likelihood that we blame our partners when we are hurt or triggered. We are empowered, adult, strong and intuitive women when we honestly own our payoffs for staying small and victimized. 

   Simple tools like, "what's at risk?" when used with honesty and willingness, intervene on old patterns with force. Addictive patterns are transformed to authentic connections. 

  For more details information on "what's at risk?" follow this link:  http://www.blessingsfrommary.com/files/WorkingTheRisks.pdf

Blessings and love to you on your journey,
Sally

In our dis-ease and dysfunction, we often look to others to fill our emptiness within. "If only he loved me, if only she could see how much I care...."  This, however, is not our teaching, is not our path in 12 step spirituality. We belong to a spiritual lineage now. Our worth comes from within, our primary connection is to self and a Power Greater than ourselves that restores us to our authentic truth, to sanity.

Whenever we find ourselves seeking the approval of an outside source, we can gently remind ourselves that our security, our self connection and worth, come from within and from the relationship we nourish with our Higher Power.

Eight of the 12 steps that are foundational in our cosex addiction recovery, bring us in direct communication and contact with a Spiritual Source. Let us know deep in our cells, minds, spirits that this is the answer to our seeking. From this Divine Source comes the response we want and desire for living emotionally, spiritually and physically intelligent and mature lives. 

As a result of our spiritual lives, our dis-ease is in remission. We live one day at a time with our Higher Power and learn to find our vitality from within.

Blessings,  Sally
www.cosexaddiction.com 
www.blessingsfrommary.com

Sally

Discernment is a skill and seemingly straightforward. It's easy to "discern" whether something is good for me or not, what I should buy or not buy, or whether I should take some action or trust the internal guidance I think I am receiving. Or is it? 

As defined by the dictionary, discernment means "the ability to judge well." It seems simple enough, but in fact our subjective perceptions are often skewed by personal desires, experiences, egos and self-will. Discernment, in its most mature sense, requires that we open ourselves to certain steps and developmental learning.  It actually requires that we open to the guidance of a Higher Power, seek the perceptions and viewpoints of others and admit to ourselves that our own perceptions and viewpoints may be based solely on personal feelings, tastes and opinions; not actually on what is the most astute action to take. 

Earnestly seeking outside assistance when we want discernment in an area of our lives is not only wise and mature, but necessary.

Twelve step spirituality has inherent within it all that is necessary for sophisticated, objective and mature discernment. There is a spiritual relationship with a Power greater than ourselves weaved within the 12 steps of any recovery program which brings us back again and again to seeking a broader viewpoint in any situation.

We also have directives for seeking the opinions and perspectives of a sponsor and other individuals who are also committed to the values of a spiritual program. This adds an additional safety valve for fully developed discernment.

Last but not least is the instruction and guidance for the individual to reflect upon their "own part" in any given situation. What past experiences do we bring to the situation which affects the perceived outcome? Is there an attachment to a desired outcome that may be influencing our choices? For an individual to be accountable for how they may be impacting a preferred result is the final security gate. When we pass through this concluding test of certainty in the honest exploration of seeking wisdom, we know authentic discernment is nearly assured.

Discernment may not be for those accustomed to instant gratification as these layers of safeguards must be gone through to achieve the full value of it and this takes time. Twelve step spirituality offers us once again the guideposts for discerning the appropriate and wise actions to take as we recovery from cosex addiction, codependency and our own individual addictive dynamics in life. The 12 steps are practices and habits of life. It may take time to develop the skills of discernment, but with these three steps in place, it's possible and probable that honest and authentic guidance will come to us. Then, the choice to follow this discernment or not will be ours. 

Have you ever found yourself in a situation in which there seems to be only one solution to a problem? Is there a habit that you wish to change, one that you have been attempting to change for years perhaps, that you simply aren't able to alter on your own?

Habits can be hard to break and creating new habits can take time, especially if our old habits are fear or anxiety based. New evidence in Cognitive Behavior Therapy shows that it is possible to create new reactions and behaviors in our relationships with others even when old reactions and behaviors are strongly imbedded in our brain chemistry. 

A tool used to do this is called ERP (exposure and response prevention) and very simply this involves noticing what the old thought or behavior is and ignoring it. By not doing the behavior we begin to develop a new wiring for "not doing the behavior."  When we "ignore" that old wiring by not using it, the wiring begins to "disconnect" from lack of use. A new wiring system  in the brain begins to develop. More options for thinking and behaving are created and new habits developed.

In my cosex addiction, what keeps the addition in place is doing the same things over and over again even when I am looking for new results. In my commitment to create authenticity in my partnership and in all my relationships, including my relationship with myself, I consciously choose to "notice" my thoughts and the "habits" of reacting but also then choose to delay the behavior. Personally, I've learned to breathe into my discomfort and let the old wiring disconnect. In doing so, other authentic ways of being open up to me. I've learned that the "automatic" behaviors are about protection and learned defenses. Risking feeling uncomfortable by doing something different and then consciously choosing a new behavior with my partner always creates surprising and often pleasurable results. 

Follow this link to learn more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy. 

Blessings on your journey to creating authentic relationships in your life!

Sally
www.cosexaddiction.com
www.blessingsfrommary.com

Relationships transform when we do. Transformation is defined as changing, altering, reworking, renewing, reconstructing, rearranging and retooling. There have been many occasions when I think that my relationship with my husband would be so much better if only he would change or alter his behavior. I've learned over our 10 year marriage, however, that the only effective way to experience our relationship differently is for me to transform my own perspective. It's always amazing to me that when I alter, rework and/or rearrange my own view of what is happening in our connection that I am able to transform the relationship all together. I see things clearly and with less blame, fear and rigidity. I have learned over our time married that when I am deeply agitated, defensive or distressed about our relationship that something has been triggered within myself. A wound has resurfaced, an old belief about my own unworthiness is present or fear of abandonment or loss is underlying my reactions.

Using the tools of my 12 step program will help. Prayer and meditation, calling my sponsor, talking about it at a meeting, looking at my part...are all actions that I can take to transform myself and therefore, transform my relationship. It is a level of responsibility that I sometimes still resist; simply because the old pattern of blaming another or looking outside of myself for a solution is familiar. More and more, however, I see the choices I have available to me. Each day is an opportunity to challenge my own capacity for bliss and joy. The more that I utilize the tools of 12 step recovery and spirituality to transform my own perspective and therefore change my behavior, the greater my experience of joy, inspiration and miracles in my relationship with my husband and in my life. 

How much bliss are you willing to experience in your life?

Blessings on your transformational journey of relationships, recovery and the experience of bliss, 

Sally

After twenty-five years in 12 step recovery, I've learned alot and my life is dramatically different. Not just in the passing of time but in the energetic vibration that I live. My addictive behaviors continue to be held in remission as I keep my spiritual life vibrantly nourished. My relationships with others, including my beloved husband, are mutually empowering and supportive. We stand for one another's dreams, deepest healthful desires and joyful living. Gratitude has become the norm in my life; not an illusive idea to strive for as was the case in early recovery. 


My experience has taught me that a regular prayer and meditation process and dynamic relationship with a Higher Power is the foundation of living an inspired life. Next, self care and self love come above all else. As I learn to care for myself spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially and relationally, I give abundantly from a place of fullness within to others. My addictive thinking and behaving no longer fill my day and "simply surviving" the drama; inside and outside, are a thing of the past. So, what's next?


Today I focus my energy, time, intentions and attention on honoring my deepest desires and living of life of service as I embody joy, inspiration and miraculous manifestations. My days include physical activities that keep me vibrantly alive and joyfully connected to nature, dance and a strong heart beat. At least five days a week I include prayer and meditation which may either be in the form of journaling, deep breathing or yogic asanas. In my business I have a coach who challenges me to grow and holds me accountability to sharing my gifts through my business to make a difference for others and receive the wealth and fulfillment that comes this authentic contribution. My relationships with family and friends continues to offer me opportunities for gratitude and a deep sense of connection replaces the just as deep sense of longing that I came into recovery with many years ago. 


This is the light at the end of the tunnel. As I continue to open myself to receive the gifts that come from consistent 12 step recovery work and family of origin grief transformation work, as well as keep my spiritual connection and 12 step tools well integrated into all areas of my life, I know Spiritual flow will continue. Joy, inspiration and miracles abound. 


Blessings to all, 


Sally

How grateful we, who have found the 12 steps, are to those of our ancestors who are our foundation. The 12 steps are tools for living our lives with intention, consciousness and power. The power that we use is that of our Divine Source, Higher Power, the God or Goddess of our understanding.

In step four, we do a "searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." In doing so, we learn that no matter what another person may or may not be doing, the focus is on ourselves. This focus allows us to effect the change that we have control over, that we can direct and alter if desired. It is only ourselves that we can change, adjust or affect a difference within.

When we keep the focus on ourselves, this does not mean that we tolerate bad behavior. When we keep the focus on ourselves, this means that we focus on what we can change; whether this is removing ourselves from a situation or relationship, or speaking up and standing for ourselves in the relationship.

Doing a "searching and fearless moral inventory" is not just a tool for identifying our overt character defects or survival behaviors. This honest self-exploration offers us the opportunity to see how we continue to "set ourselves up" in familiar situations to be over-responsible or victimized by someone else. Changing these more passive and subtle ways of being alter our relationships with others and our own lives in active and powerful ways.

We never have to do this searching inside alone. Our spiritual journey reminds us again and again that we have support and community both in the physical world and in the spiritual dimensions. When overwhelmed or frightened by the task of self-inventory, we seek spiritual support and the support of others on the recovery journey.

Taking responsibility for our lives is a mature, empowered way to live. Each of the spiritual 12 steps in a tool is support and guide us in this journey.

Blessings,

Sally

Cosex addiction, or any addiction, provides a unique opportunity for spiritual development.

When we are faced with the inability to heal or change on our own, we are often forced to connect at a deeper level with a power greater than ourselves. In doing so, we open our spirits and emotional selves in a more authentic way; a way that surrenders our self-will and is open to the mystery of Divine unknown.

In admitting our need for assistance and our powerlessness over our own or another's addictive behaviors, beliefs and the emotions associated with them, our heart is cracked open. A relationship, based in deep and profound desire for authentic connection is forged. Our Higher Power becomes a personal vibration and entity that we want and need to connect with on a daily basis; not an abstract concept difficult to trust or love.

Pain is our initial motivator. Authentic connection and joy become our reason for continuing to surrender along the genuine path of spiritual and emotional maturity.

Fully embracing our pain and powerlessness over another's behavior or our own dis-eased thinking and acting, opens the possibility to fully surrendering to a Power Greater than ourselves. Our lives are transformed at this moment.

Blessings on your journey through trusting the pain and surrendering to Divine Source,

Sally

There has come a moment in my life where I realize that I may always experience some fear inside; regardless of the personal work I do or how vibrant my prayer and meditation life may be. It is an aspect of being human. It keeps me connected to Divine care and source. I remain humbled by this fear and also inspired by more own courage and commitment to "keep at" this spiritual life.

The lessons and reminders of lessons of old is a constant. My connection to Divine guidance is both vibrant and at times listless and dull. I choose to live within the paradox of constant surrender to whatever is. It is in this present moment where I can welcome Spiritual guidance and direction into all areas of my life. During the day to day consistent practices that deepen trust, intuition and transformation is where I find the courage to embrace my fear, surrender it and take action aligned with my commitments and passions in life. In doing so, I honor my Divine Purpose and make a difference by being of service to all.

It's not about having no fear. It is about embracing my fear, connecting with Divine Source and trusting the guidance that comes in the midst of the fear.

Blessings on your journey of fear, faith and surrender,

Sally

The principles of 12 step spirituality, when applied to living day to day, keep us connected to our own personal power and the unlimited power of the Divine. Once we "make a decision...." to turn any situation over to our Higher Power, we release the outcome, relax into knowing this Power has our best at heart and open to the synchronistic events that continually point us in the direction of Divine guidance and care.

We begin with doing our part, however. Our part is spending time in prayer and meditation daily. Our part is bold self-care behaviors. Our part is putting forth effort in the direction of our dreams and desires. Our part is seeking support and aligning ourselves with like-minded people. Our part is seeing that we are powerless over others.

When we "make a decision to turn our will and lives over the care of God and we understand Her or Him" it is after we have done our part and sought out what we have a choice about and what we must let go of.

We are never alone. The 12 steps give us tools for living a spiritual life. Once our own addictive behaviors and dynamics are addressed and arrested, we become open to the promises of the 12 steps. When we release our own co-dependency and over focus on others, accepting responsibility for ourselves, we open to a relationship with a Higher Power and ourselves. The miracles of living a Divinely guided, purpose and destiny focused life become the norm of our existence.

All my love,

Sally

One of the greatest gifts of 12 step recovery is learning to parent our own children and ourselves with new skills. As we develop the emotional capacity to feel and hold our emotions within, we are able then to choose how to respond to any given situation. We are able to have kindness and respect when our children are angry or sad, teaching them to honor these emotions, letting them be informative but not acting them out without purpose or clear intention. In developing emotional intelligence, we create choices for ourselves. We use our energy as power and direct it to accomplish what we desire, honoring our own values along the way.

Re-parenting ourselves comes in recovery as well. We become nurturing, aware, respectful, compassion women and men and we give this attention to ourselves. We learn to set boundaries around our own behavior internally and externally to protect and empower ourselves in relationships with other.

There is grief that often surfaces to be released about the ways in which we did not receive as children what we needed and wanted. While we can consciously let this go, we can consciously choose self-loving behaviors as adults. It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

Blessings,

Sally

As a recovering woman, I have chosen to come face to face with shame. It was initially a very uncomfortable experience. To come face to face with shame, means to embrace it and walk toward it rather than to avoid the experience of it. To do this means that I have chosen to become aware of the messages and feelings of shame. Here are some of what I have learned about my shame:

1) I believe I am a mistake not that I make mistakes.

2) I emotionally beat myself up and have no compassion.

3) I have the sense of being exposed, discovered and completely unworthy.

4) My thoughts begin with words like: I can't, I shouldn't, I'm bad, Who do I think I am, etc.,

5) I sometimes turn red and have a deep desire to hide and isolate.

6) I often hurt myself because I believe that I deserve this. I may overeat, overspend or pick a fight with someone I love.

It's no wonder I avoided coming face to face with shame for so long.

I've learned also about "carried shame." (See Relationships from Addiction to Authenticity for more information.)

Here are some of the gifts when I choose to face my shame:

1) I realize I am just as good as and no better than all other human beings.

2) I experience the gift of humility.

3) I am able to connect more to others and create authentic relationships.

4) I laugh more and worry less about being hyper-vigilant with my behavior.

5) I learn self-love, self-forgiveness and self-compassion on a deep level.

6) I am able to risk sharing my gifts with others.

7) I develop a relationship with a Higher Power that inspires and sustains me.

8) I am able to experience the miracles of my life, especially as I have chosen to embrace my shame.

9) I accept that I am imperfect with shadows and character defects and love it all.

Yours in joy, shame and more joy,

Sally

With cosexaddiction, as with any addiction, there is a desire for control and power. The only way the addictive self thinks control or power is available is through the addictive pattern. Sex addiction, control, codependency, eating disorders, alcohol abuse and all other addictive patterns are simply a form of control or an attempt at control.

Admitting powerlessness is not an admission of no power-it is in fact, a doorway through which power can be sought. This spiritual power includes freedom and choice.

When we are able to admit our powerlessness over another person's choices and behaviors, we gain the freedom and power to choose our own actions.

When we are able to admit our powerlessness over our own addictive thinking and behavior, we gain freedom and power to use our time and energy as we desire.

In the surrender of addictive dynamics in both thought and deed, we embrace the spiritual flow of power and guidance that is available to us. When our attachments to old addictive thoughts and behaviors is present, we block this spiritual energy.

Today we claim the true spiritual power that comes from surrender to old attachments. Daily prayer and meditation will assist us in knowing when to surrender these attachments and with whom. As we surrender and release, our true spiritual power is made manifest. Our energy, our thoughts and our actions belong to us and we are free to use for service and contribution.

I love those moments when I am without a sense of self. It's not like being unaware or unconscious, but to be so fully in the moment and in my intention of being available for service that I don't wonder about how I am being perceived or if I am liked and approved of. There is such freedom to surrender to the moment without that self-consciousness. I want to do that more and more. Here are some things that I have learned from my own experiences and the generous sharing of others' experience about being fully in the moment:

1) A rich prayer and meditation practice is the most important tool for letting go of self-consciousness. As we deepen our connection with a Divine Source, we are less and less likely to find approval on the outside or through others. We move and breathe and find our purpose from within and in relationship with Spirit.

2) We must share ourselves and take safe risks with mature and available individuals and support groups. In this way, we release more and more of our past hurts and grief, living more fully and authentically in the present moment. Through our vulnerability, we heal and move more into living our Divine Purpose.

3) Choose to let go of the past and embrace a new way of living. Many of us who are recovering from cosex addiction, co-dependency and living for others, must choose if we are willing to let go of those familiar patterns and risk the unknown. Living in the moment, taking safe risks in our lives, and changing dynamics that no longer serve us requires courage and a willingness to step into unknown territory. It is a choice and we must choose consciously.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

It's still challenging for me to forgive myself. There is this belief within that I "should" know better after being in 12 step recovery for so long. When I get hurt by someone else's bad behavior, I should not have allowed it or somehow anticipated it or I must have attracted it to myself in some way. In other words, I still take responsibility for someone else's behavior.

In reaching out for support recently, someone in program reminded me to look at any resentments that I may have in a specific relationship and what is being affected in my life: my self esteem, relationships, financial issues, insecurities. Interestingly, I discovered my relationship with myself had been damaged. Two individuals in my life behaved badly with me and I believe that I "allowed" it to happen. Of course I did not really allow it, I simply was caught off guard and unable to act in my own best interest in the moment. I made a mistake. Focusing on what they did is not helpful to me. Connecting with the real sense of betrayal I feel from myself and then the difficulty in forgiving myself is the key for my healing and moving on.

Today I intellectually understand that I am not responsible for someone else's bad behavior. I have difficulty, however, when I do not protect myself from it perfectly. I can still get caught off guard, go into minor shock and regress into a little girl reaction.

My commitment to myself is to let myself off the hook when I make a mistake. I can learn from this and know that there will be progress for next time. I will make mistakes and when I hurt myself or others, I can use the tools of our 12 step program including making amends to myself, asking for my Higher Power to help heal this wound, turn it over and letting go.

Blessings to us all on our journey of recovery,

Sally

In our cosex addiction recovery, we surrender to the discipline taught us in the 12 steps including "praying only for the knowledge of our Higher Power's will for us and the courage to carry that out."

This remains a challenge to my ego still after many years in the program. Often I wonder if my Higher Power really knows what is best for those I love and how could I really let go of my own attempts to control the outcome.

Then there is the concern that I might not get that new home, or my partner, friend or family member may not do what I think they should do in the best interest of my relationship with them.

To really continue the intention and practice of "praying only for the knowledge of my Higher Power's will for me and the courage to carry that out" without using my time and energy for obsessing on what others in my life should do continues to be my stretch behavior. I can begin with where I am at and continually practice focusing only on myself. I can release those I love to this Higher Power and, again, focus on myself. While perfection in this behavior may not be attainable, I know I can make progress over time.

It is a practice that I bring mindfully to my prayer and meditation time daily.

Twelve Step recovery and the discipline of the 12 steps is not an easy spiritual path. It requires determination and continued surrender. Our progress and use of daily program tools offer us the privilege of a daily reprieve from our self-centered attachments.

Today I am able to focus only on my connection to a Higher Power and in my surrender to this intention, I bless those I love and care about as well.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

The 12 steps continue to teach and mentor me through my spiritual life. Every problem that I encountered can be bettered through the use of one of these 12 steps. At times I own my powerlessness and see attachments to my own self-will and ego wounds. Other times, I am able to connect with a Higher Power and turn a situation or difficulty over to a divine perspective. There are other times as well where I take action and review my part in an upset or challenging situation. When appropriate I make amends to someone else, myself or simply, yet powerfully, change my own behavior for a living amends. Here are some guidelines for Continuing to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitting it:

1) Keep your prayer and meditation practice alive and well. This will keep my connection with the Divine vibrant and the path for insight open. I will see more clearly my own behavior and be able to think before I speak and react in any given situation; minimizing the need to make amends for my behavior.

2) Often our amends are to ourselves for a lack of boundaries, self-care or not trusting our intuition. Then we are hurt or blindsided by someone else's bad behavior. We can learn these lessons quickly by going within and developing those internal and external boundaries. We deserve to care well for ourselves.

3) An amends to those we are closest to in our lives can simply be a form of apology for how our behavior may have hurt them. There doesn't have to be a long and drawn out explanation, nor do we always need to fully understand the intricacies of all our internal motivations manifested in our relationship behavior with others. A simple apology for our behavior does the trick.

4) Forgiving ourselves and adjusting our behavior to include better self-care makes a difference in our lives. We are on a journey in life, learning to live with values aligned to recovery and new way of living. Our journey of self-love and high functioning teaches us to adjust when necessary and continually grow in wisdom and maturity, forgiving our own transgressions along the way.

One of the greatest gifts of my 12 step recovery journey is seeing myself welcome mature individuals with a great capacity to connect and grow with me. I no longer have to take responsibility for others' bad behavior and know that I deserve the same care and love from others that I give freely. Attracting healthful, kind and responsible behavior from others is one of the greatest gifts of recovery.

Blessings on your journey, Sally

Interestingly enough, I've had two people in the last month take my personal inventory. These are people who claim to be committed to a spiritual journey and work a 12 step program. Initially I was stunned, then went into shame, had some healthful grief and anger and now see the blessing in the experiences with both of them.

One of these people mirror to me grandiosity; a belief in my own uniqueness. This grandiosity lets me off the hook of being responsible for my behavior or honoring of others' boundaries. Because "I am special" I do not have to play by the same rules and can blame others when things do not go my way, rather than see my part.

The other situation mirrored to me the difficulty that I have with closeness and intimacy. Often, I will push my husband away or those I love the most because being loved or "seen" by others is so frightening to me. I am not immune from the effects of my own survival behaviors and must stay awake to my own self-sabotaging.

One of the most powerful tools and practices to assist us in our intimate connections with others is the Tenth Step which tells us to "continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admit it." This practice allows us to stay connected to others and keep the focus on ourselves. We are not responsible when others behave badly. We can keep ourselves in integrity by honoring our own values and reflect on our part in any upset. Once we do this, we take appropriate action to make amends and let go of the results; whether the other person does the same or not.

Living the 12 steps in our lives in not always easy. The rewards, however, keep us grounded in our own values and open to creating authentic relationships with others. In seeing our part in any relationship, growth will occur, whether or not we are met by another taking the same level of maturity and self-responsibility. We grow in intimate relationship with ourselves when we see our part and over time will attract this kind of maturity and self-responsibility in our relationships with others.

In both of these relationships, I see my own opportunity to grow in detachment, keeping the focus on myself, letting go of those not willing to be responsible for their own personal inventory and then attracting more and more mature relationships.

Today I affirm that I deserve relationships with others who have a level of maturity similar to my own. I affirm self-responsibility and connections that support authenticity and honesty and an ever deepening connection to self, spirit and each other. The Tenth Step is an important tool for maintaining our intimate connections with others deserving our attention, energy and spirits.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Shadows reflect our light...

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light,” said Carl Jung, “but by making the darkness conscious.” As the originator of the concept of “shadow” Carl Jung first brought into our cultural consciousness the necessity of loving ourselves through bringing to consciousness what is in the unconscious. This applies especially to the most unlovable and dark parts that we have worked diligently to hide, repress and deny. As a certified Shadow Work® facilitator and author of a book on the Sacred Feminine, I work with these energies and create environments that allow individuals to explore their darker side. With Sacred Feminine principles, we surrender to it all and know that the connection between dark and light, pain and joy, sickness and health is symbiotic. We cannot experience one without the other. Stepping into my own darkness, looking at my cosex addiction and other addictive dynamics in my life inform me of my shadows and places for Divine light. Using the 12 steps to assist in looking within allows me to continue my own emotional and spiritual maturity and trust my darkness to the light and to my Higher Power.

In “Blessings From Mary” my most recent book, I explore 9 Sacred Feminine Principles and offer daily meditations that lead one to their Divine Purpose. Here I share some ideas inspired by Carl Jung which encourage us to embrace those “dark” emotions rather than avoid and run from them. In an age and culture that prescribes to a quick fix from discomfort: physical, emotional and spiritual, it’s not always an appealing invitation to explore and embrace our shadows. We think if we are feeling good then we are living well and if we are feeling grieve, despair, fear or shame there must be something wrong.

Using our recovery program to share with our sponsor or someone who understands addiction is a tool for bringing into the light that which shame and fear keep hidden. We grow every time we do a 5th step and share our character defects with someone else.

Sacred Feminine spirituality encourages us to meet all of ourselves with open heart and allow our wounds to inform us of all we have to offer. Our woundedness and shadows teach us about our giftedness. In our full embrace of the hurts, pain, “feel-bad” emotions we carry, we also embrace our compassion, joy and deepest sense of self. In the Sacred Feminine perspective, we hold our darkness with comfort, care and a willingness to surrender. In our darkness, we find brilliance, wisdom and authenticity.

From this fullness, we give to others. Our fully experienced grief, fear and pain open our hearts and bring us the unexpected gifts of gratitude, joy and a deepened capacity to love ourselves and others.

I want to know the "right thing" to do in my life. This includes what to say in my relationships with others, what courses to take and trainings to do, what will increase my joy and financial income, should I go to Colorado for vacation or visit family in Michigan?

When we come from a dysfunctional or addictive family system, including the avoidance of dealing directly with trauma, we shut down to survive and in the process lose access to ourselves. When I shut down my fear, I shut down my joy. When I shut down my sensitivity, I lose awareness and creativity as well. I become afraid to live fully.

Embracing all of who we are and the pain that we carry, allows us to embrace deep joy. When we honor our pain and trauma, we open to the possibility of healing and maturing through it all. If we deny ourselves our own history, trauma and pain, we live "tightly." We become afraid to make the wrong decision and focus our energy on how to survive with the least amount of scraps and bruises. We become afraid to fully live and risk "wrong" decisions.

Life, when lived with an open and humble heart, is full of risk, pain, joy and wrong turns. On the road to the many wrong turns we make, we find adventure, beauty and learn new ways to go, new ways to be.

Today I know that I will make "wrong" turns and mistakes along the way. I have the tools of amends, seeing my part, asking for help and learning from these mistakes to enhance the journey. I am grateful for the 12 steps that guide me and my own emotional maturity that teaches me self-forgiveness and the courage to live life fully.