Interestingly enough, I've had two people in the last month take my personal inventory. These are people who claim to be committed to a spiritual journey and work a 12 step program. Initially I was stunned, then went into shame, had some healthful grief and anger and now see the blessing in the experiences with both of them.

One of these people mirror to me grandiosity; a belief in my own uniqueness. This grandiosity lets me off the hook of being responsible for my behavior or honoring of others' boundaries. Because "I am special" I do not have to play by the same rules and can blame others when things do not go my way, rather than see my part.

The other situation mirrored to me the difficulty that I have with closeness and intimacy. Often, I will push my husband away or those I love the most because being loved or "seen" by others is so frightening to me. I am not immune from the effects of my own survival behaviors and must stay awake to my own self-sabotaging.

One of the most powerful tools and practices to assist us in our intimate connections with others is the Tenth Step which tells us to "continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admit it." This practice allows us to stay connected to others and keep the focus on ourselves. We are not responsible when others behave badly. We can keep ourselves in integrity by honoring our own values and reflect on our part in any upset. Once we do this, we take appropriate action to make amends and let go of the results; whether the other person does the same or not.

Living the 12 steps in our lives in not always easy. The rewards, however, keep us grounded in our own values and open to creating authentic relationships with others. In seeing our part in any relationship, growth will occur, whether or not we are met by another taking the same level of maturity and self-responsibility. We grow in intimate relationship with ourselves when we see our part and over time will attract this kind of maturity and self-responsibility in our relationships with others.

In both of these relationships, I see my own opportunity to grow in detachment, keeping the focus on myself, letting go of those not willing to be responsible for their own personal inventory and then attracting more and more mature relationships.

Today I affirm that I deserve relationships with others who have a level of maturity similar to my own. I affirm self-responsibility and connections that support authenticity and honesty and an ever deepening connection to self, spirit and each other. The Tenth Step is an important tool for maintaining our intimate connections with others deserving our attention, energy and spirits.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally