How grateful we, who have found the 12 steps, are to those of our ancestors who are our foundation. The 12 steps are tools for living our lives with intention, consciousness and power. The power that we use is that of our Divine Source, Higher Power, the God or Goddess of our understanding.

In step four, we do a "searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." In doing so, we learn that no matter what another person may or may not be doing, the focus is on ourselves. This focus allows us to effect the change that we have control over, that we can direct and alter if desired. It is only ourselves that we can change, adjust or affect a difference within.

When we keep the focus on ourselves, this does not mean that we tolerate bad behavior. When we keep the focus on ourselves, this means that we focus on what we can change; whether this is removing ourselves from a situation or relationship, or speaking up and standing for ourselves in the relationship.

Doing a "searching and fearless moral inventory" is not just a tool for identifying our overt character defects or survival behaviors. This honest self-exploration offers us the opportunity to see how we continue to "set ourselves up" in familiar situations to be over-responsible or victimized by someone else. Changing these more passive and subtle ways of being alter our relationships with others and our own lives in active and powerful ways.

We never have to do this searching inside alone. Our spiritual journey reminds us again and again that we have support and community both in the physical world and in the spiritual dimensions. When overwhelmed or frightened by the task of self-inventory, we seek spiritual support and the support of others on the recovery journey.

Taking responsibility for our lives is a mature, empowered way to live. Each of the spiritual 12 steps in a tool is support and guide us in this journey.

Blessings,

Sally

Interestingly enough, I've had two people in the last month take my personal inventory. These are people who claim to be committed to a spiritual journey and work a 12 step program. Initially I was stunned, then went into shame, had some healthful grief and anger and now see the blessing in the experiences with both of them.

One of these people mirror to me grandiosity; a belief in my own uniqueness. This grandiosity lets me off the hook of being responsible for my behavior or honoring of others' boundaries. Because "I am special" I do not have to play by the same rules and can blame others when things do not go my way, rather than see my part.

The other situation mirrored to me the difficulty that I have with closeness and intimacy. Often, I will push my husband away or those I love the most because being loved or "seen" by others is so frightening to me. I am not immune from the effects of my own survival behaviors and must stay awake to my own self-sabotaging.

One of the most powerful tools and practices to assist us in our intimate connections with others is the Tenth Step which tells us to "continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admit it." This practice allows us to stay connected to others and keep the focus on ourselves. We are not responsible when others behave badly. We can keep ourselves in integrity by honoring our own values and reflect on our part in any upset. Once we do this, we take appropriate action to make amends and let go of the results; whether the other person does the same or not.

Living the 12 steps in our lives in not always easy. The rewards, however, keep us grounded in our own values and open to creating authentic relationships with others. In seeing our part in any relationship, growth will occur, whether or not we are met by another taking the same level of maturity and self-responsibility. We grow in intimate relationship with ourselves when we see our part and over time will attract this kind of maturity and self-responsibility in our relationships with others.

In both of these relationships, I see my own opportunity to grow in detachment, keeping the focus on myself, letting go of those not willing to be responsible for their own personal inventory and then attracting more and more mature relationships.

Today I affirm that I deserve relationships with others who have a level of maturity similar to my own. I affirm self-responsibility and connections that support authenticity and honesty and an ever deepening connection to self, spirit and each other. The Tenth Step is an important tool for maintaining our intimate connections with others deserving our attention, energy and spirits.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

I want to know the "right thing" to do in my life. This includes what to say in my relationships with others, what courses to take and trainings to do, what will increase my joy and financial income, should I go to Colorado for vacation or visit family in Michigan?

When we come from a dysfunctional or addictive family system, including the avoidance of dealing directly with trauma, we shut down to survive and in the process lose access to ourselves. When I shut down my fear, I shut down my joy. When I shut down my sensitivity, I lose awareness and creativity as well. I become afraid to live fully.

Embracing all of who we are and the pain that we carry, allows us to embrace deep joy. When we honor our pain and trauma, we open to the possibility of healing and maturing through it all. If we deny ourselves our own history, trauma and pain, we live "tightly." We become afraid to make the wrong decision and focus our energy on how to survive with the least amount of scraps and bruises. We become afraid to fully live and risk "wrong" decisions.

Life, when lived with an open and humble heart, is full of risk, pain, joy and wrong turns. On the road to the many wrong turns we make, we find adventure, beauty and learn new ways to go, new ways to be.

Today I know that I will make "wrong" turns and mistakes along the way. I have the tools of amends, seeing my part, asking for help and learning from these mistakes to enhance the journey. I am grateful for the 12 steps that guide me and my own emotional maturity that teaches me self-forgiveness and the courage to live life fully.

As our recovery progresses, we learn so much about ourselves and how to live more authentically. In our dis-ease, we keep secrets, do our best to survive, work harder and rely upon ourselves. Trusting others does not come easily; at least this has been my own personal experience.

In recovery and in our emotional and spiritual maturity, we learn to reclaim behaviors that nurture us and create a sense of connectedness with our community. We reach out for help when we need it, we allow others to give to us out of their authentic desire to contribute and we begin to rely on a Power greater than ourselves to orchestrate and oversee our journey in life.

Here are some ways to practice new behaviors that nourish us, allow us to receive from others and our Spiritual Source, thus enabling us to be filled from within:

1) Practice a daily prayer and meditation time in which you allow yourself to receive Divine energy and blessing. This may simply be sitting quietly and breathing deeply while imagining the Loving energy of our Higher Power, Spirit Guides and Divine Source surrounding us and bestowing blessings upon us. Even five minutes each day will reap great results.

2) Ask for help. This has been challenging for me and risky for most of us. One of the ways that I learned to get through difficult times was "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and work even harder. Trusting others set me up for disappointment. I was often supportive and available to others but did not reach out on my own behalf when in a challenging situation internally or externally. Today I ask for help and use my support system on a regular basis. Even leaving a message for someone asking for support shifts the energy inside of me. I have a sense of connection with others and with a Higher Power.

3) Receive. I give of myself to others in many different ways. Today, more than any other time in my life, my availability to others is a choice. I give from my own fullness within rather than an automatic behavior that focuses on others or avoids what is going on inside of myself by care-taking. I allow myself to receive with humility and gratitude and find that in doing so, the givers are blessed as well.

Authentic generosity reaps a sense of abundance. Giving from a place of fullness multiplies my energy and creates more space to receive.

Blessings to you as you learn to risk reaching out to others and allow yourself to receive.

Love, Sally