One of the foundational principles of 12 step spirituality is the 4th step which directs and guides us to "taking an inventory" of ourselves. In a more common language, we say that this refers to "looking at our part." Any individual who claims to be on a spiritual journey of personal recovery will eventually learn that a characteristic of emotional maturity is to first seek "our part" in any upset or difficulty in our relationships with others.

Looking at what we bring to any relationship difficulty does not mean that we take responsibility for someone else's behavior or see whatever has occurred as our fault. Sometimes, depending on our family of origin wounds and roles, we might come into the relationship with a victim mentality, taking on the reality that we are responsible or somehow "deserve" abusive or the disrespectful behavior of someone else. When dealing with a cosex addiction, this is often the case. Our life has revolved around the "relationship" and we give ourselves up again and again. Cosex addicts can easily become "victims" in their relationships and take responsibility for someone else's poor behavior. Looking closely at the role of victim that we have played in our relationships is an important first step for a cosex addict.

Here are some guidelines when looking at our part in the challenges and upsets in relationships with others:

1. Step back and detach. Breathe deeply and take some time so that you are able to really get a perspective that offers clarity.

2. Seek help from someone who supports you and is outside of the situation. Having an objective third party allows us to see things from different angles that we might not see if we only had our own perspective. Also, be sure to choose someone who is committed to your spiritual and emotional maturity and who will hold you accountable for your part with firm kindness. A sponsor, counselor or another friend in recovery is a good resource for this.

3. Look honestly for patterns. One of the ways we begin to take responsibility for our own healing and maturity is to see the familiar patterns in our relationships with others. Once we are able to own that we are the common denominator in these patterns, we can begin to heal on a deeper level, impacting all of our relationships. Doing family-of-origin work with a therapist or counselor is often a necessary step in seeing these patterns.

4. Seek a Spiritual Solution. Often as we begin to recognize the patterns and dynamics that occur in our relationship with others, we can begin to see our powerlessness and need for assistance. Having a relationship with a Higher Power and a spiritual practice empowers us to seek a spiritual solution to difficulties. Prayer, meditation and nourishing our spiritual connection is an invaluable tool in our healing ourselves and doing what we can to have highly functioning and empowering relationships with others.

5. As we own and take responsibility for our part (not setting good boundaries, unrealistic expectations, control over someone else's behavior and so on) we can learn to make amends through our vulnerability and sharing what we have learned. If the other person is mature and has learned emotional responsibility, they will receive our vulnerability as a gift and own their part. The relationship will deepen and grow.

It takes time to learn discernment when looking at what our part is in our relationships with others. Often we must seek outside assistance to help us detach and see more clearly what are part actually is. Taking responsibility for our behavior and letting the other person be responsible for their own behavior is a worthy goal and takes time to learn. We use the tool of making amends to others when we make mistakes. We also learn to make amends to ourselves through our self-forgiveness, self-love and being our own greatest ally.

Blessings and love,

Sally

I listened to Billy Payne, the chairman of Augusta National and the Masters, on NPR yesterday. He sounded to me like a self-righteous preacher. He has a right to his own opinion of Tiger Woods, of course, and how "he disappointed all of us" but in my opinion, his frustration and anger is misplaced and misdirected. I understand that he has some behaviors that we might have reason to be disappointed about as well including his support of racist and sexist policies at Augusta National over the years.

For those of us in recovery from a substance or behavioral addiction, we know what humility it takes to "admit our dis-ease", seek help and take action for our own healing and maturing emotionally and spiritually. I don't know if Tiger will remain in recovery and continue to walk the walk as he talks the talk, but that isn't the point. Time will tell. His actions, over time, will speak louder than any words he may speak.

In 12 step recovery, we have a saying that goes something like "we all grow up in public" as we publicly admit our mistakes, keep ourselves in support groups that understand and continue to take actions to learn how to live clean and sober lives. I have compassion for Tiger as he has given the phrase "growing up in public" a whole new meaning.

Billy Payne said that Tiger was a hero and "he disappointed all of us and more importantly, our kids and grandkids. Our hero did not live up to the expectations of the role model we saw for our children." While I think that there might be some truth in this statement that many are disappointed, I am mostly concerned with why we are consistently looking outside of ourselves and our own families for heros and heroines? I've written blog topics recently on "disappointment" and how we will always be disappointment by those we love and those we idolize. It is the nature of our human condition. Perhaps a better tact would be to keep our eyes and focus on ourselves and how we can individually become more mature spiritually and emotionally and strive for integrity in all areas of our lives, rather than consistently looking outside of ourselves for magnificence and the ideal image we hold of others.

If we had realistic expectations of others, perhaps we might be able to learn more about compassion and forgiveness. We might also learn that we can really only look to ourselves with realistic expectations of integrity and find comfort with our individual power to choose our own behavior and intentions. We would also realize that the ideal of "perfection" is unattainable and we can only look to a Spiritual Source for perfection and the pursuit thereof.

Furthermore, it is our responsbility as parents, grandparents and adults in general to remind our children that athletes are not gods or goddesses; that they are really simply great athletes. Who they are inside is hard for us to really know. What is important is to see their focus, hard work and passion about their area of expertise as an example of "what's possible" for us in our own lives. How can I look inside and find my own passions and values for what I want to do and be in the world and learn from them in this specific way? Our fathers, mothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, teachers, et cetera are the places in my own family and community that I must find my heros and heroines rather than looking for heros in media, entertainment and sports. More importantly, how about teaching our children honesty, discipline and integrity? What about teaching them how to see focus on their own dreams and passions and model for them how to live according to their own values; becoming their own hero and heroine in life? While we can admire one's acheivements in any specific area, we need to teach our children that real heroism is about who we become from the inside out and how we can hold ourselves consistently to higher standards of goodness and healthful acheivement. We must teach our children to develop their own value system from within and to follow that with integrity and humility and we must model this to the best of our ability for them.

Lastly, I always think that when someone attacks, blames and criticizes another with intensity that is it a ploy for avoiding our own unrealistic expectations of others and an avoidance of looking at our own humanness. Heroism is not about perfection as much as it is about authenticity and fully embracing our humanness. As a shadow work facilitator, we teach and also learn about looking within to see and own our own shadows, especially when we are driven to focus on someone else's "bad behavior."

Again, Tiger may or may not choose to remain in recovery or on this path of humility and continued maturing and growth. Whether he does or does not won't absolve us from our own responsibility to "see the plank in our own eye" before harshly judging another or taking responsiblity for teaching our children to be their own heros and heroines, by learning humility for their mistakes, finding and living their own passions to the best of their ability and taking responsibility for their own self-improvement. Tiger Woods is a great example of what focus, discipline, hard work and intention can achieve in GOLF. He now has a real opportunity to become a role model in life not IN SPITE of his failings and addictions but BECAUSE of them. Sometimes that which seems to be our greatest downfall can become that which we receive the greatest gifts from.

In any case, the experiences of Tiger Woods, his open admission of responsibility and seeking help with his addictive behaviors CAN become for us a role model of honest living and integrity, even though learned the hard way. It can also remind us that our heros and heroines are just a mirror of our own humanness and magnificence. Let's keep it all in perspective and keep our expectations of PERFECTION on a Higher Power.

Lovingly,

Sally

I listened to Billy Payne, the chairman of Augusta National and the Masters, on NPR yesterday. He sounded to me like a self-righteous preacher. He has a right to his own opinion of Tiger Woods, of course, and how "he disappointed all of us" but in my opinion, his frustration and anger is misplaced and misdirected. I understand that he has some behaviors that we might have reason to be disappointed about as well including his support of racist and sexist policies at Augusta National over the years.

For those of us in recovery from a substance or behavioral addiction, we know what humility it takes to "admit our dis-ease", seek help and take action for our own healing and maturing emotionally and spiritually. I don't know if Tiger will remain in recovery and continue to walk the walk as he talks the talk, but that isn't the point. Time will tell. His actions, over time, will speak louder than any words he may speak.

In 12 step recovery, we have a saying that goes something like "we all grow up in public" as we publicly admit our mistakes, keep ourselves in support groups that understand and continue to take actions to learn how to live clean and sober lives. I have compassion for Tiger as he has given the phrase "growing up in public" a whole new meaning.

Billy Payne said that Tiger was a hero and "he disappointed all of us and more importantly, our kids and grandkids. Our hero did not live up to the expectations of the role model we saw for our children." While I think that there might be some truth in this statement that many are disappointed, I am mostly concerned with why we are consistently looking outside of ourselves and our own families for heros and heroines? I've written blog topics recently on "disappointment" and how we will always be disappointment by those we love and those we idolize. It is the nature of our human condition. Perhaps a better tact would be to keep our eyes and focus on ourselves and how we can individually become more mature spiritually and emotionally and strive for integrity in all areas of our lives, rather than consistently looking outside of ourselves for magnificence and the ideals of others.

If we had realistic expectations of others, perhaps we might be able to learn more about compassion and forgiveness and know that we can really only look to ourselves and our individual power to choose as well as a Spiritual Source perfection and the pursuit thereof.

Furthermore, is it not our responsbility as parents, grandparents and adults in general to remind our children that athletes are not gods or goddesses; that they are really simply great athletes. Who they are inside is hard for us to really know. What is important is to see their focus, hard work and passion about their area of expertise as an example of what's possible" for us in our own lives? How can I look inside and find my own passions and values for what I want to do and be in the world and learn from them in this specific way. Our fathers, mothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, teachers, et cetera are the places in my own family and community that I must find my heros and heroines rather than looking for heros in media, entertainment and sports. More importantly, how about teaching our children honesty, discipline, integrity and learning out to see themselves and how they live according to their own values and becoming their own hero and heroine in life? While we can admire one's acheivements in any specific area, we need to teach our children that real heroism is about who we become from the inside out and how we can hold ourselves consistently to higher standards of goodness and healthful acheivement. We must teach our children to develop their own value system from within and to follow that with integrity and humility.

Lastly, I always think that when someone attacks, blames and criticizes another with intensity that is it a ploy for avoiding our own unrealistic expectations of others and an avoidance of looking at our own humanness. Heroism is not about perfection as much as it is about authenticity and fully embracing our humanness. As a shadow work facilitator, we teach and also learn about looking within to see and own our own shadows, especially when we are driven to focus on someone else's "bad behavior."

Again, Tiger may or may not choose to remain in recovery or on this path of humility and continued maturing and growth. Whether he does or not does not absolve us from our own responsibility to "see the plank in our own eye" before harshly judging another or taking responsiblity for teaching our children to be their own heros and heroines, by learning humility for their mistakes, finding and living their own passions to the best of their ability and taking responsibility for their own self-improvement. Tiger Woods is a great example of what focus, discipline, hard work and intention can achieve in GOLF. He now has a real opportunity to become a role model in life not IN SPITE of his failings and addictions but BECAUSE of them. Sometimes that which seems to be our greatest downfall can become that which we receive the greatest gifts from.

In any case, the experiences of Tiger Woods, his open admission of responsibility and seeking help with his addictive behaviors CAN become for us a role model of honest living and integrity, even thought learned the hard way. It can also remind us that our heros and heroines and just a mirror of our own humanness and magnificence. Let's keep in all in perspective and keep our expectations of PERFECTION on a Higher Power.

Lovingly,

Sally