One of the foundational principles of 12 step spirituality is the 4th step which directs and guides us to "taking an inventory" of ourselves. In a more common language, we say that this refers to "looking at our part." Any individual who claims to be on a spiritual journey of personal recovery will eventually learn that a characteristic of emotional maturity is to first seek "our part" in any upset or difficulty in our relationships with others.

Looking at what we bring to any relationship difficulty does not mean that we take responsibility for someone else's behavior or see whatever has occurred as our fault. Sometimes, depending on our family of origin wounds and roles, we might come into the relationship with a victim mentality, taking on the reality that we are responsible or somehow "deserve" abusive or the disrespectful behavior of someone else. When dealing with a cosex addiction, this is often the case. Our life has revolved around the "relationship" and we give ourselves up again and again. Cosex addicts can easily become "victims" in their relationships and take responsibility for someone else's poor behavior. Looking closely at the role of victim that we have played in our relationships is an important first step for a cosex addict.

Here are some guidelines when looking at our part in the challenges and upsets in relationships with others:

1. Step back and detach. Breathe deeply and take some time so that you are able to really get a perspective that offers clarity.

2. Seek help from someone who supports you and is outside of the situation. Having an objective third party allows us to see things from different angles that we might not see if we only had our own perspective. Also, be sure to choose someone who is committed to your spiritual and emotional maturity and who will hold you accountable for your part with firm kindness. A sponsor, counselor or another friend in recovery is a good resource for this.

3. Look honestly for patterns. One of the ways we begin to take responsibility for our own healing and maturity is to see the familiar patterns in our relationships with others. Once we are able to own that we are the common denominator in these patterns, we can begin to heal on a deeper level, impacting all of our relationships. Doing family-of-origin work with a therapist or counselor is often a necessary step in seeing these patterns.

4. Seek a Spiritual Solution. Often as we begin to recognize the patterns and dynamics that occur in our relationship with others, we can begin to see our powerlessness and need for assistance. Having a relationship with a Higher Power and a spiritual practice empowers us to seek a spiritual solution to difficulties. Prayer, meditation and nourishing our spiritual connection is an invaluable tool in our healing ourselves and doing what we can to have highly functioning and empowering relationships with others.

5. As we own and take responsibility for our part (not setting good boundaries, unrealistic expectations, control over someone else's behavior and so on) we can learn to make amends through our vulnerability and sharing what we have learned. If the other person is mature and has learned emotional responsibility, they will receive our vulnerability as a gift and own their part. The relationship will deepen and grow.

It takes time to learn discernment when looking at what our part is in our relationships with others. Often we must seek outside assistance to help us detach and see more clearly what are part actually is. Taking responsibility for our behavior and letting the other person be responsible for their own behavior is a worthy goal and takes time to learn. We use the tool of making amends to others when we make mistakes. We also learn to make amends to ourselves through our self-forgiveness, self-love and being our own greatest ally.

Blessings and love,

Sally