My Nigerian friends are teaching me so much about saying "good-bye." We are leaving our home after four years here in West Africa. We are telling our staff, gardeners, security people, vendors, my friends at the marketplace, drivers and stewardess throughout the camp. When we tell them we are leaving, they hang their heads and their eyes fill with tears. They will then tell us their first memory of meeting us and why we are so special to them. They tell us how much they will miss us and freely express their sadness. It is quite moving. There is no denial, defensiveness, smiling over the reality of it, or pretending that we will see each other again. They are genuinely aware of the implication, the loss and their sadness for our ending time together.

Loss and completion are hard for most. We have learned to "shut down" our feelings, often to survive alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family and societal systems. To survive trauma, however minimal or extensive, we must protect our emotional selves and not feel the events in our lives that are painful.

Recovery is about recovering our emotional and spiritual selves. In recovery, we learn how to authentically feel our feelings, be emotional present to the events in our lives and embrace endings and completions. It is only in fully embracing our endings that we are able to fully embrace new beginnings. Endings are inevitable. Relationships come and go, children graduate, jobs change and people we love pass on from this life. Learning to be fully present for all the losses, endings and completions keeps us fully present in all of our lives.

Here are some guidelines for holding completions and endings with honor:

1) Breathe deeply and choose to be conscious and intentional about how you will hold and embrace the endings and completions in your life.

2) Be willing to share the love and appreciation you have had for someone. Express your feelings directly to them or with others you trust if this is the only way. Being witnessed and heard makes all the difference for our being able to stay present throughout the transition, whatever it is.

3) Let yourself feel the sadness and experience the loss. In releasing this, your energy is freed and your senses alive. This cleansing allows for the experiences of joy, celebration and gratitude as well.

4) Create a ceremony or circle in which you express directly what someone has meant to you. This allows for the completion to be experienced with conscious intent.

In our fully experiencing the completions and endings in our lives, we make room for beginnings and new connections.

With love,

Sally