Thanks to John Bradshaw's groundbreaking achievements in understanding shame and his best selling book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You" we've learned a good deal about how to identify the emotion of shame and what causes its appearance in our lives. In our book, "Relationships from Addiction to Authenticity" we discuss the necessity of women moving from shame to empowerment in order to break the bonds of victimization, in any area of their lives.

We believe the first step in doing this requires that we identify the emotion of shame and how we as women have been carrying the shame of our offenders. (We discuss this fascinating dynamic of BIG Victim/Little Offender and BIG Offender/Little Victim in Chapter 3). Once we are able to look honesty at our histories and set-up for this dynamic, we can begin to see with clear eyes how we continue to carry the shame of others in their offensive behavior.

After this honest reflection on the set-up and the humility to see our current behavior, we choose to intervene on our own behalf. We seek support groups, professional assistance in understanding the dynamic, spiritual connections and individuals who are able to encourage us in our own commitment to change our behavior. Changing our reactions and automatic behaviors will TAKE TIME, but as we seek the appropriate support and remain steadfast in our commitment, we will begin to change our behavior and learn boundaries and self-care.

One of the most important aspects of this intervention and change in our behavior around carrying others' shame is having healthy anger. There is very little encouragement for women in our culture to be angry and to use this strength as empowerment. Anger's gift is strength. When we deny our anger, it becomes a resentment and often is acted out on ourselves and others. It is a misuse of this emotion. We must eat, shop, caretake, judge, blame, gossip, compulsively clean, etc., to keep the emotion of anger at bay. This must be unlearned and then anger must be embraced. Anger offers the gift of strength and understanding that our boundaries or someone elses' are being violated and action is called for.

As women, one of the greatest and most potent interventions on our own co-sex addiction and any other way we are allowing ourselves to be victimized is through embracing our ANGER. When we use our anger with intention, care and wisdom, it becomes a force for good. We begin to trust our intuition, know that this emotion is providing us important information and begin to set the boundaries that are called for in our lives. Healthy anger also points us in the direction of having the communications we need to have with others and take action for self-care and self-love. This honesty with ourselves and intentional use of the energy that anger provides us creates authentic connections with others. We can not have authentic connections with ourselves or others without the ability to feel and access healthy anger.

While it may go against many if not all of the conditioning in families, churches, educational institutions and social mores that we've learned, it is a good and necessary practice that we begin to invite healthy anger into our spiritual and psychological toolbox. As we do and use it with wisdom and discernment, our relationships with self and others begin to deepen into authentic connections that inspire and empower mutually.

So with support, practice and consistency, we can begin to embrace and honor our anger. We say, "anger is my friend" and we repeat as needed.

With love,

Sally