Recently I realized how truly difficult it is to separate ourselves from the issues and wounds that occur in our growing up with our family of origins, educational and religious institutions. To really detach enough to get a clear view of the system from which we come and to see the influence of the individual relationships within that system takes great courage and willingness to grow and mature. I think those who do this with intention to see clearly, individuate and honestly mature spiritually, are a small and rare percentage of people. The pull to do what was taught to us both consciously and unconsciously is so strong and imbedded in who we are. These pulls of dysfunctional and automatic behavior also keep us connected, albeit unhealthily, to the people we first loved in our lives. Venturing into the unknown of highly functional and individuated relating with others is most often an unknown we choose not to explore.

In our cosex addiction, when we give ourselves over to a relationship or relationships as a way to fill our own emptiness within, it is especially challenging. Challenging because our relationships with others are our connection to ourselves. We are mothers, daughters, friends, wives, sisters, parents, colleagues and collaborators in relationship to other people. We must be willing to temporarily lose our identities as we learn new ways to respond and behave in relationships with others.

As women, we have an innate sense of community and desire to cooperate and co-create. To actually break away from these early relationships~our mothers, fathers, siblings, cousins, institutions, churches, marriages, etc.~and honestly look at them with a detached set of eyes and a willingness to see the dysfunction and dynamic honestly is the greatest act of bravery and self-love. I think it actually only rarely happens. Those with primary addictions of alcohol, food, sex, spending, etc., have it easy compared to those of us whose primary addictive dynamics occur in how we behave in relationships with others.

I also believe that those with the courage to individuate from these learned dynamics and choose new behaviors reap the most profound results. Those willing to do this most challenging work of individuating from the original family dynamics and institutions are the true healers and shamans of our time. The most effortful internal work results in the deepest service and healing on the planet. I believe this. It is a responsibility that is to be honored and respected due to the courage, spiritual discipline and determination required.

Doing this family of origin and individuation work for those of us with a cosex addiction begins with stepping back and detaching from our original families and relationships. This stepping back allows us to see with new eyes. We must also welcome objective perspectives to assist us in seeing these dynamics with clarity and honesty. We can not do this alone and those who support us must have no attachment to the system or attachment to our perspective other than that we see it honestly and clearly. These allies must have learned to have their own strong boundaries and be willing to hold us accountable even when we do not want to be.

Next, we must risk practicing new behaviors with others in such a way that we see our own default patterns of people pleasing, approval seeking, care taking, blaming, judging, criticizing, etc., as our ways of coping with fear and shame. We must own that these behaviors are the only way we know to behave in relationship to others. Here it will be easy to blame others, but for the purpose of growing and seeing ourselves clearly, we must keep the focus on our own behavior. How do we react? Where do we blame someone else? How is our original relationships with our mothers, fathers, siblings, early and young adulthood relationships repeating through our own reactions and default patterns of behavior and belief.? How are we attracting these familiar dynamics in our own lives? This is an important junction in our own maturation in relationship with ourselves and others.

Last but not least, we must nourish and nurture our spiritual practice. Developing a relationship with a Higher Power/Spirit Guides/God/Creator/Goddess, etc., whatever we choose to call this Spiritual Entity is essential. On our own, we can not change these energetic, ancestral dynamics within us. We must have awareness of them, consciously choose to surrender them and then receive Spiritual Healing and Transformation.

Each stage of this individuation and initiation into conscious and highly functioning, loving relationships has its own challenges. We will make mistakes along the way. If our spiritual practice remains consistent, we will learn self-forgiveness, renewed awareness and will welcome healing and holy transformation. Our spiritual resources become the most honored place of learning and growing and through this connection we begin to see ourselves and our relationships with others clearly and honestly. This level of rigorous self-honesty is most difficult but as our primary source of support and alliance deepens and our Spiritual Connection is our priority, we learn to relax into self love and acceptance. We bring our darkest and most shameful behaviors, thoughts and reactions to a merciful and compassion Resource. Transformation happens.

We learn to love our darkness and most hidden characteristics in the presence of Light and Abundant Love. From here, we learn the most profound forgiveness, compassion and understanding for others.

Here is to venturing into the darkness and light together,

With love,

Sally