One of the ways that I maintain my emotional sobriety and healthy connection to those I love is through taking responsibility for my behavior and making amends when appropriate. Of course,when appropriate, is a subjective call. Someone else might think I owe an amends or apology when I do not and I may want someone to apologize to me when they do not see reason or cause. All I can really do for myself and to maintain my own emotional sobriety, is to rely on my own values to help me determine the when appropriate is present. Making amends within the concept of my own value system and when I act outside of it, is my own measurement for maintaining emotional sobriety.

What is important to me in my relationships with others? And, when I do not live within these values, how do I handle this lack of integrity? What can I do on my end, to handle my part or my own incongruence since this is really all I have control over in the end?

When I have treated someone else disrespectfully, this contradicts the way I want to live my life. While I know that this will occur on occasion, I also know that when I take responsibility for these mistakes and apologize to the person I hurt, this will restore my emotional integrity and balance. It will often take a swallowing of pride and giving up of an ego driven desire to be right, but I find this a small price to pay to restore inner peace and a sense of wholeness.

I also notice that this tool of making amends, deepens authentic intimacy in my relationships. There is no relationship of any value or substance that will not, on occasion, come into conflict and disagreement in which individuals may behave, well, shall we say, not as they might have wanted to behave. This occurs in our closest relationships, most often, as it is in these close connections that we have the most opportunity for our wounded selves to emerge and hopefully, learn and heal. But this, really, is another blog topic. 

For now, healthy conflict resolution and emotional sobriety must include responsible self reflection and ownership of behavior and an ability to make amends when appropriate. 

Recently, I owned my behavior with a friend/professional contact. She thanked me for my ownership and then she owned what she believed was her part in the difficulty we had. After a few conversations, we both came to a deep appreciation of one another for our willingness to look to see what our responsibility was in the upset. We both have the experience that there are not many people willing to look so thoroughly and honestly at their own side of the street, so to speak. Our connection has been restored, but more than that, our connection to our own selves has deepened. We both learned from the interaction and believe we have matured and grown as well. 

Take a deep breath, look inside and see where there is a resentment or hurt about a relationship or someone you know. 

Focus on what you brought to the difficulty and where you may have contradicted your own value system in your own behavior.

Think about apologizing and making an amends to this person and see what happens from here. If contacting them directly is not an option, own your part and share with another person so you are witnessed. Then, hold the person that you owe an apology with great care and love in your own heart and mind. This, in itself, is a powerful amends. 

Making amends and being fully responsible for our part in our relationships is not easy, some of the time, but in my experience, the value for doing so is immense. 

Blessings on your journey to emotional sobriety, 

Sally