What's At Risk? 

 One of the most courageous things we do on our life journey is to face our own addictions, wounds and family of origin issues. While I will never forget the physical pain of giving birth and the incredible sense of power getting to the other side of that process, walking daily with a Higher Power and taking responsibility for my life in all areas and in all ways draws even more deeply from my core. 

   In cosex addiction, like not other addiction, it is most challenging to keep the focus on ourselves. Since many women come into cosex addiction through a partner's sex addiction, this is understandable. However, eventually, if we are to truly commit to living an emotionally and spiritually mature life, we must come to seeing ourselves as responsible for where our life is right here and right now. We are not victims to what happens to us in our lives. Yes, we are victimized and trauma, incest, sexual assault, betrayal, abuse we have endured is real. We don't take responsibility for what has happened to us. We do, however, take responsibility for what will happen to us from this day forward. 

   In order to grow ourselves up, own our power, reconnect to our intuitive wisdom and learn the mastery of our own boundaries and voice, we must ask ourselves, "what's at risk for letting go of being a victim in our own lives?" There is a payoff in keeping ourselves small and voiceless once we are aware. When we are able to be honest about this, we begin to access our choices around it. Awareness leads to choice.

   When I asked myself recently "what was at risk for me to do something different in my marriage" I was faced with the part of me that doesn't want to grow up. Although I've done father loss and reprinting work for years, there is still a small, fatherless little girl inside who misses her dad. In fully embracing my voice and power in my marriage, I give up the fantasy, at another level, that my husband is going to fill the daddy void inside. These awarenesses are subtle and in seeing the subtleties, there is great power and choice. 

   In all our addictive behavior and most especially in the dynamic of cosex addiction and sex addiction, answering the "what's at risk?" question honestly gifts us abundantly. We have another opportunity for deeper connection to ourselves and others. We see choices more clearly and experience greater freedom. There is less likelihood that we blame our partners when we are hurt or triggered. We are empowered, adult, strong and intuitive women when we honestly own our payoffs for staying small and victimized. 

   Simple tools like, "what's at risk?" when used with honesty and willingness, intervene on old patterns with force. Addictive patterns are transformed to authentic connections. 

  For more details information on "what's at risk?" follow this link:  http://www.blessingsfrommary.com/files/WorkingTheRisks.pdf

Blessings and love to you on your journey,
Sally

One of the things that I didn't understand when I first got into recovery was that my pain would ultimately lead me to more joy. When I authentically embrace my pain and hurts and release them in safe, supportive environments, I create the space to receive more joy, fulfillment and connection. When I avoid or shut down my emotional self to avoid pain I also shut down my emotional self and lose the ability to embrace joy, inspiration and the miracles of being fully present and alive.

In "Relationships From Addiction to Authenticity" many brave women tell their stories of betrayal, shock and addiction and how these experiences were transformed into authentic connection to self, Spirit and others. This transformation comes through our emotional honesty and acknowledgement of our hurt and pain. It is not a journey for the weak of heart but one for the strong of spirit; committed to creating a life full of possibility and dreams fulfilled. Courage is required to bear our souls, open our hearts and allow the vulnerability of our pain to be held in the loving care of others. This is our path to trust as well. We learn to trust ourselves, a Higher Power and we choose trustworthy people. 

In Chapter 5 Trusting and Embracing Feelings in the book,  "Relationships From Addiction to Authenticity", there are stories shared and discussions about how to feel our emotions and stop mood-altering behaviors to avoid feeling.Once we develop this emotional intelligence and make new choices, our senses are opened and our intuition increased. We are able to let our feelings inform us and our intuition guide us but not run us. We have choice and conscious awareness.

Joy is the outcome of honesty, full self-expression and the release of denial. One must experience both pain and joy in order to live a full and deeply rich life. 

Many blessings on your journey, 

Sally

Have you ever found yourself in a situation in which there seems to be only one solution to a problem? Is there a habit that you wish to change, one that you have been attempting to change for years perhaps, that you simply aren't able to alter on your own?

Habits can be hard to break and creating new habits can take time, especially if our old habits are fear or anxiety based. New evidence in Cognitive Behavior Therapy shows that it is possible to create new reactions and behaviors in our relationships with others even when old reactions and behaviors are strongly imbedded in our brain chemistry. 

A tool used to do this is called ERP (exposure and response prevention) and very simply this involves noticing what the old thought or behavior is and ignoring it. By not doing the behavior we begin to develop a new wiring for "not doing the behavior."  When we "ignore" that old wiring by not using it, the wiring begins to "disconnect" from lack of use. A new wiring system  in the brain begins to develop. More options for thinking and behaving are created and new habits developed.

In my cosex addiction, what keeps the addition in place is doing the same things over and over again even when I am looking for new results. In my commitment to create authenticity in my partnership and in all my relationships, including my relationship with myself, I consciously choose to "notice" my thoughts and the "habits" of reacting but also then choose to delay the behavior. Personally, I've learned to breathe into my discomfort and let the old wiring disconnect. In doing so, other authentic ways of being open up to me. I've learned that the "automatic" behaviors are about protection and learned defenses. Risking feeling uncomfortable by doing something different and then consciously choosing a new behavior with my partner always creates surprising and often pleasurable results. 

Follow this link to learn more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy. 

Blessings on your journey to creating authentic relationships in your life!

Sally
www.cosexaddiction.com
www.blessingsfrommary.com

Relationships transform when we do. Transformation is defined as changing, altering, reworking, renewing, reconstructing, rearranging and retooling. There have been many occasions when I think that my relationship with my husband would be so much better if only he would change or alter his behavior. I've learned over our 10 year marriage, however, that the only effective way to experience our relationship differently is for me to transform my own perspective. It's always amazing to me that when I alter, rework and/or rearrange my own view of what is happening in our connection that I am able to transform the relationship all together. I see things clearly and with less blame, fear and rigidity. I have learned over our time married that when I am deeply agitated, defensive or distressed about our relationship that something has been triggered within myself. A wound has resurfaced, an old belief about my own unworthiness is present or fear of abandonment or loss is underlying my reactions.

Using the tools of my 12 step program will help. Prayer and meditation, calling my sponsor, talking about it at a meeting, looking at my part...are all actions that I can take to transform myself and therefore, transform my relationship. It is a level of responsibility that I sometimes still resist; simply because the old pattern of blaming another or looking outside of myself for a solution is familiar. More and more, however, I see the choices I have available to me. Each day is an opportunity to challenge my own capacity for bliss and joy. The more that I utilize the tools of 12 step recovery and spirituality to transform my own perspective and therefore change my behavior, the greater my experience of joy, inspiration and miracles in my relationship with my husband and in my life. 

How much bliss are you willing to experience in your life?

Blessings on your transformational journey of relationships, recovery and the experience of bliss, 

Sally

Cosex addiction, or any addiction, provides a unique opportunity for spiritual development.

When we are faced with the inability to heal or change on our own, we are often forced to connect at a deeper level with a power greater than ourselves. In doing so, we open our spirits and emotional selves in a more authentic way; a way that surrenders our self-will and is open to the mystery of Divine unknown.

In admitting our need for assistance and our powerlessness over our own or another's addictive behaviors, beliefs and the emotions associated with them, our heart is cracked open. A relationship, based in deep and profound desire for authentic connection is forged. Our Higher Power becomes a personal vibration and entity that we want and need to connect with on a daily basis; not an abstract concept difficult to trust or love.

Pain is our initial motivator. Authentic connection and joy become our reason for continuing to surrender along the genuine path of spiritual and emotional maturity.

Fully embracing our pain and powerlessness over another's behavior or our own dis-eased thinking and acting, opens the possibility to fully surrendering to a Power Greater than ourselves. Our lives are transformed at this moment.

Blessings on your journey through trusting the pain and surrendering to Divine Source,

Sally

Interestingly enough, I've had two people in the last month take my personal inventory. These are people who claim to be committed to a spiritual journey and work a 12 step program. Initially I was stunned, then went into shame, had some healthful grief and anger and now see the blessing in the experiences with both of them.

One of these people mirror to me grandiosity; a belief in my own uniqueness. This grandiosity lets me off the hook of being responsible for my behavior or honoring of others' boundaries. Because "I am special" I do not have to play by the same rules and can blame others when things do not go my way, rather than see my part.

The other situation mirrored to me the difficulty that I have with closeness and intimacy. Often, I will push my husband away or those I love the most because being loved or "seen" by others is so frightening to me. I am not immune from the effects of my own survival behaviors and must stay awake to my own self-sabotaging.

One of the most powerful tools and practices to assist us in our intimate connections with others is the Tenth Step which tells us to "continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admit it." This practice allows us to stay connected to others and keep the focus on ourselves. We are not responsible when others behave badly. We can keep ourselves in integrity by honoring our own values and reflect on our part in any upset. Once we do this, we take appropriate action to make amends and let go of the results; whether the other person does the same or not.

Living the 12 steps in our lives in not always easy. The rewards, however, keep us grounded in our own values and open to creating authentic relationships with others. In seeing our part in any relationship, growth will occur, whether or not we are met by another taking the same level of maturity and self-responsibility. We grow in intimate relationship with ourselves when we see our part and over time will attract this kind of maturity and self-responsibility in our relationships with others.

In both of these relationships, I see my own opportunity to grow in detachment, keeping the focus on myself, letting go of those not willing to be responsible for their own personal inventory and then attracting more and more mature relationships.

Today I affirm that I deserve relationships with others who have a level of maturity similar to my own. I affirm self-responsibility and connections that support authenticity and honesty and an ever deepening connection to self, spirit and each other. The Tenth Step is an important tool for maintaining our intimate connections with others deserving our attention, energy and spirits.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

One of the practices that one who is recovering from trauma learns is necessary in the ongoing healing from the trauma is breaking the silence. Breaking the silence around what has happened to us, where addiction has affected our lives or how we have been abused is one of the first actions to take in continued healing and empowerment.

As cosex addicts, there is a strong identification with being victimized by an acting out partner and being caught off guard by the trauma of betrayal. When we look more honestly at the situation and begin our own recovery work, we see our part more clearly. This does not excuse anyone else's behavior, but it does allow us to accept our part in the denial, our lack of boundaries and over-focus on another individual. We begin to look at the family of origins that we learned our behavior within and see a pattern within ourselves that has kept us locked in shame and fear. Here are some guidelines and practices for breaking the silence and repairing connection:

1) We must ask for help when the trauma and betrayal is revealed. In asking for help, we begin to step outside of our own denial and move into the possibility of seeing with a new set of eyes.

2) We learn the facts about addiction, dysfunction families and start to see of our family of origin set-up for our own lack of boundaries and cosex addiction. Seeing our own medicating of feelings through an eating disorder, alcohol, shopping, over-volunteering, extreme care-taking for our children and family, gossiping and triangulating allows us to uncover our authentic selves. With our honesty and personal power beginning to emerge, we can make new choices.

3) A vibrant and authentic spiritual practice and support circle is an ongoing necessity for repairing connection with ourselves and others. In our spiritual practice we connect honestly with our Higher Power and use the tools of the 12 steps to deal with the challenges that arise in our lives. In a support circle that understands recovery from cosex addiction and empowerment work, we continue to speak our reality which allows us to keep from falling into denial and silence. As we reach out to others, our Higher Power and honor our own reality, we begin to repair connections; first with ourselves and our Higher Power and then with those we choose to be in a relationship with over time.

Honesty, spiritual connection and ongoing support are the paths to Authentic Connection with ourselves and others.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Learning to live authentically, when we have lived out of our old beliefs and fears, takes courage. We must surrender ourselves to a Power greater than ourselves and trust the journey of 12 step recovery and cosex addiction healing. We risk doing things differently than we have done in the past. Living outside of our dysfunction, codependency, learning new behaviors and risking the possibility of living authentically requires delving into the unknown. Here are some tips for transforming cosex addiction and sex addiction into authentic living as we surrender to the unknown:

1) Develop a relationship with a Higher Power. Nurturing this spiritual connection requires daily prayer and meditation. Even five minutes a day will begin to nourish this spiritual practice and provide us with a tool that we can use in our lives on a daily basis.

2) Develop relationships with others in 12 step recovery who choose to address their own cosex addiction and sex addiction. Knowing that we are not alone and there are others who have gone before us to share their wisdom and experience makes all the difference. Feeling connected to a recovery community gives us courage, strength and unlimited resources.

3) Remember that mistakes along the path are part of learning to surrender to the unknown. Continue on the path with these tools: 12 step meetings, working the 12 steps, family of origin work, developing a regular prayer and meditation practice, will insure transformation. When taking these actions, you will have a strong foundation of self-love and forgiveness when you make mistakes. Surrender to progress and not perfection.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally