Have you ever found yourself in a situation in which there seems to be only one solution to a problem? Is there a habit that you wish to change, one that you have been attempting to change for years perhaps, that you simply aren't able to alter on your own?

Habits can be hard to break and creating new habits can take time, especially if our old habits are fear or anxiety based. New evidence in Cognitive Behavior Therapy shows that it is possible to create new reactions and behaviors in our relationships with others even when old reactions and behaviors are strongly imbedded in our brain chemistry. 

A tool used to do this is called ERP (exposure and response prevention) and very simply this involves noticing what the old thought or behavior is and ignoring it. By not doing the behavior we begin to develop a new wiring for "not doing the behavior."  When we "ignore" that old wiring by not using it, the wiring begins to "disconnect" from lack of use. A new wiring system  in the brain begins to develop. More options for thinking and behaving are created and new habits developed.

In my cosex addiction, what keeps the addition in place is doing the same things over and over again even when I am looking for new results. In my commitment to create authenticity in my partnership and in all my relationships, including my relationship with myself, I consciously choose to "notice" my thoughts and the "habits" of reacting but also then choose to delay the behavior. Personally, I've learned to breathe into my discomfort and let the old wiring disconnect. In doing so, other authentic ways of being open up to me. I've learned that the "automatic" behaviors are about protection and learned defenses. Risking feeling uncomfortable by doing something different and then consciously choosing a new behavior with my partner always creates surprising and often pleasurable results. 

Follow this link to learn more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy. 

Blessings on your journey to creating authentic relationships in your life!

Sally
www.cosexaddiction.com
www.blessingsfrommary.com

Relationships transform when we do. Transformation is defined as changing, altering, reworking, renewing, reconstructing, rearranging and retooling. There have been many occasions when I think that my relationship with my husband would be so much better if only he would change or alter his behavior. I've learned over our 10 year marriage, however, that the only effective way to experience our relationship differently is for me to transform my own perspective. It's always amazing to me that when I alter, rework and/or rearrange my own view of what is happening in our connection that I am able to transform the relationship all together. I see things clearly and with less blame, fear and rigidity. I have learned over our time married that when I am deeply agitated, defensive or distressed about our relationship that something has been triggered within myself. A wound has resurfaced, an old belief about my own unworthiness is present or fear of abandonment or loss is underlying my reactions.

Using the tools of my 12 step program will help. Prayer and meditation, calling my sponsor, talking about it at a meeting, looking at my part...are all actions that I can take to transform myself and therefore, transform my relationship. It is a level of responsibility that I sometimes still resist; simply because the old pattern of blaming another or looking outside of myself for a solution is familiar. More and more, however, I see the choices I have available to me. Each day is an opportunity to challenge my own capacity for bliss and joy. The more that I utilize the tools of 12 step recovery and spirituality to transform my own perspective and therefore change my behavior, the greater my experience of joy, inspiration and miracles in my relationship with my husband and in my life. 

How much bliss are you willing to experience in your life?

Blessings on your transformational journey of relationships, recovery and the experience of bliss, 

Sally

Have you ever regretted something you did or did not do? How did you move beyond the regret? What did you learn from the experience?

Looking back and feeling regret is a part of life and our 12 step recovery journey will assist us in seeing these regrets and moving beyond them. Sometimes we see our reactivity in our relationships with others and wish we could have behaved differently. In our dis-ease, we see how we focused on energy on other people in an unbalanced way or learned to use substances including food or alcohol to cope and have regrets about this. In our addictive behavior, we also neglect our children, our families, friends, careers and health. Having some regret is part of our healing and empowerment journey. So how can we maximize the experience of regret? Here are some suggested tools turning our regrets into a welcome experience:

1) Embrace and acknowledge the regret. We can not transform anything until we fully acknowledge what is, right here and right now. Our 12 step journey gives us the emotional capacity and honesty to admit the existence of our regrets, grieve and find the gifts and learning from the experience.

2) Take the regret with any shame or grief to our Higher Power or Spiritual Source. In our prayer and meditation practice we can do our part (acknowledge the regret) and symbolically lay it at the feel of our Spiritual Source. We can allow our Higher Power to do for us what we may not be able to do for ourselves; forgive ourselves, heal and move through the regret.

3) Forgive ourselves. Once we are able to honestly acknowledge our regrets and offer ourselves compassion for doing our best at that time, we can begin to forgive. In our self-forgiveness we receive love and understanding from our Higher Power. The more that we embrace love and understanding for ourselves, the more we are able to offer this to others from a place of fullness and authenticity. We have more love, compassion and understanding to give to others.

4) Find the gift in the regret. Perhaps we regret not pursuing our dreams as a young woman because of our addictions or codependency. Once we embrace this regret, we can look at pursuing our dreams today. What is it that we wish to do today? Are there dreams we want to pursue and move toward? If we have behaviors that we regret with people we love, we can make amends and adjust our behavior. This is a gift for them as well.

With our support system in place, we can take actions to follow our passions, make amends for our behavior and use the tools to live more authentically within our own value system. At this stage of our recovery and healing, we have grieved, connected more deeply with our Higher Power, forgiven ourselves and offered this understanding and compassion to others. We transform regrets and integrate what we have learned into our lives today.

Blessings to you,

Sally