It's still challenging for me to forgive myself. There is this belief within that I "should" know better after being in 12 step recovery for so long. When I get hurt by someone else's bad behavior, I should not have allowed it or somehow anticipated it or I must have attracted it to myself in some way. In other words, I still take responsibility for someone else's behavior.

In reaching out for support recently, someone in program reminded me to look at any resentments that I may have in a specific relationship and what is being affected in my life: my self esteem, relationships, financial issues, insecurities. Interestingly, I discovered my relationship with myself had been damaged. Two individuals in my life behaved badly with me and I believe that I "allowed" it to happen. Of course I did not really allow it, I simply was caught off guard and unable to act in my own best interest in the moment. I made a mistake. Focusing on what they did is not helpful to me. Connecting with the real sense of betrayal I feel from myself and then the difficulty in forgiving myself is the key for my healing and moving on.

Today I intellectually understand that I am not responsible for someone else's bad behavior. I have difficulty, however, when I do not protect myself from it perfectly. I can still get caught off guard, go into minor shock and regress into a little girl reaction.

My commitment to myself is to let myself off the hook when I make a mistake. I can learn from this and know that there will be progress for next time. I will make mistakes and when I hurt myself or others, I can use the tools of our 12 step program including making amends to myself, asking for my Higher Power to help heal this wound, turn it over and letting go.

Blessings to us all on our journey of recovery,

Sally