"Pletcher and Bartolameolli are undisputed experts on the subject of co-sex addiction.  They know more about it than anyone I know and have presented  an expose that with great clarity supersedes anything I have read before."

– John Bradshaw

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Today I am experiencing a miracle. I am moved by it all. The origin of the word miracle comes from the Latin meaning "objects of wonder." It is true that I am experiencing an "object of wonder."

As I look at this transformation and the miracles in my life, I notice some common elements in each of the objects of wonder I have experienced. I share with you as an invitation to see how to manifest for yourself and to compare it some of the elements you see in the miracles of your life.

1) Miracles seem to happen over time rather than immediate. Therefore, being faithful to myself and determined to stay focused on the miracle is important.
2) The foundation for this "objects of wonder" happening is a fertile ground. This fertile ground is prayer and meditation. A relationship with a Higher Power and a place to bring my struggles and challenges has been essential.
3) Doing my part. When I want something to change in my life, I have to do my part. Look at my own behavior, ask someone for help, be willing to let go of thoughts and beliefs that no longer serve me and stay close to my own spiritual practice.
4) An essential part of my the fertile ground and doing my part when looking for change is a vibrant support system. I know that I need people who understand personal growth, family of origin work and share the journey of healing, empowerment and transformation.

This week I am especially reminder that miracles can and do happen in my life, most especially when I am willing to do my part.

Blessings to you,


Monday, April 18, 2011

Safety begins inside....

I've recently been involved in a conversation involving men apologizing to women and making amends for years of oppression. My initial reaction was one of gratitude and the thought occurred to me that, "it was about time." I've been following the conversation, responses and reactions to this video. It's been interesting and I curiously continue to observe. The conversations have begun to revolve around safety and feeling "safe."

These conversations and other conversations we have around "safety" are especially interesting to me. We are all concerned with feeling "safe" it seems. We talk about how safety is important and when we speak our "truth" we don't feel safe and when we do speak our "truth" we feel safe and when we are listened to we feel "safe" and when we are not listened to we do not feel "safe" and on and on and on.

First of all, safety is not a feeling. It's an opinion, judgment or assessment of a situation. It's okay to assess and judge, it's just more effective to own that's what it is. The feeling that we are most likely allowing to go undistinguished is fear. The feeling we feel when we perceive we are not safe is fear. Let's own that too.

So what is safety in the recovery and personal growth circles that we all venture into? I don't know what it is for someone else. I know for me that I judge I am safe when I judge that my opinions and perspective will be heard, whether there is agreement with my point of view of not. Being heard and listened to and respected without a strong emotional charge. When I sit in a circle with others and we take turns, allowing all to share their opinions, listening with a detached curiosity, whether in agreement or not, that creates an environment of "safety." I do not have fear present then. I simply speak my view and listen to others.

There is something significant to me in this conversation about safety for cosex addicts and for women in general since we are conditioned to look to others for our care. We also look to others for our "safety" and have learned to navigate the emotional land mines around us by not sharing our perspectives or viewpoints and working hard at being "safe." I think it is an important conversation for men as well as we are all attempting to navigate feeling "safe" and don't always have all the skills to take responsibility for this state of being ourselves. How we care for ourselves, embrace our own healing and grief work and learn to look within for our "safety" are good first steps to being "safe."

Our "safety" begins within and has to do with noticing when we feel fear and discerning its source. Sometimes we feel fear when we are in a "safe" environment because those old beliefs and wounds are free to come to the surface, no longer hidden deep within. This happens in 12 step recovery circles for cosex addiction and sex addiction. The feeling of fear may actually be in response to a "safe" environment where we know that we are seen and respected and can no longer hide inside. Odd, but true.

There are also times when we feel fear and it is old fear like being around someone who reminds us of someone in our history who has hurt us. In this case, the fear is alerting us to a past hurt and danger, but not a current one.

There are yet other times when we feel fear and it is healthy instinct alerting us to the dangers that await us. This may be physical dangers like being in an unsafe neighborhood. We will also learn to trust our intuition and begin to notice emotionally dangerous potential connections with others. When we do recovery and family of origin healing work, our instincts return to us and we can learn to trust them. There are individuals that pose a potential threat to our emotional well-being and our fear alerts us to this. As we maintain a strong connection to our 12 step cosex addiction recovery program we learn to trust these instincts. We can trust this over time. Yes we can!

Discerning our own emotional states especially fear is part of creating "safety" in our lives, as this "safety" begins within. As we do our own healing, family of origin and emotional intelligence work, we begin to develop the skills to discern our own feelings. We can then begin to observe and review the characteristics of outside environments and maturity levels of others with whom we choose to relate, or not relate, if that is the case.

Our recovery work, support systems, steps and tools of healing are available to us. We can and will learn to attract "safe" environments, relationships and nurture our own inner knowing and intuition. This begins by feeling the fear, discerning its source and knowing that we are responsible for our safety; inside and out.

Blessings on your journey,


Monday, April 11, 2011

Cosex Addiction and Sex Addiction; Surrendering to the Unknown

Learning to live authentically, when we have lived out of our old beliefs and fears, takes courage. We must surrender ourselves to a Power greater than ourselves and trust the journey of 12 step recovery and cosex addiction healing. We risk doing things differently than we have done in the past. Living outside of our dysfunction, codependency, learning new behaviors and risking the possibility of living authentically requires delving into the unknown. Here are some tips for transforming cosex addiction and sex addiction into authentic living as we surrender to the unknown:

1) Develop a relationship with a Higher Power. Nurturing this spiritual connection requires daily prayer and meditation. Even five minutes a day will begin to nourish this spiritual practice and provide us with a tool that we can use in our lives on a daily basis.

2) Develop relationships with others in 12 step recovery who choose to address their own cosex addiction and sex addiction. Knowing that we are not alone and there are others who have gone before us to share their wisdom and experience makes all the difference. Feeling connected to a recovery community gives us courage, strength and unlimited resources.

3) Remember that mistakes along the path are part of learning to surrender to the unknown. Continue on the path with these tools: 12 step meetings, working the 12 steps, family of origin work, developing a regular prayer and meditation practice, will insure transformation. When taking these actions, you will have a strong foundation of self-love and forgiveness when you make mistakes. Surrender to progress and not perfection.

Blessings on your journey,


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Monday, April 4, 2011


Have you ever regretted something you did or did not do? How did you move beyond the regret? What did you learn from the experience?

Looking back and feeling regret is a part of life and our 12 step recovery journey will assist us in seeing these regrets and moving beyond them. Sometimes we see our reactivity in our relationships with others and wish we could have behaved differently. In our dis-ease, we see how we focused on energy on other people in an unbalanced way or learned to use substances including food or alcohol to cope and have regrets about this. In our addictive behavior, we also neglect our children, our families, friends, careers and health. Having some regret is part of our healing and empowerment journey. So how can we maximize the experience of regret? Here are some suggested tools turning our regrets into a welcome experience:

1) Embrace and acknowledge the regret. We can not transform anything until we fully acknowledge what is, right here and right now. Our 12 step journey gives us the emotional capacity and honesty to admit the existence of our regrets, grieve and find the gifts and learning from the experience.

2) Take the regret with any shame or grief to our Higher Power or Spiritual Source. In our prayer and meditation practice we can do our part (acknowledge the regret) and symbolically lay it at the feel of our Spiritual Source. We can allow our Higher Power to do for us what we may not be able to do for ourselves; forgive ourselves, heal and move through the regret.

3) Forgive ourselves. Once we are able to honestly acknowledge our regrets and offer ourselves compassion for doing our best at that time, we can begin to forgive. In our self-forgiveness we receive love and understanding from our Higher Power. The more that we embrace love and understanding for ourselves, the more we are able to offer this to others from a place of fullness and authenticity. We have more love, compassion and understanding to give to others.

4) Find the gift in the regret. Perhaps we regret not pursuing our dreams as a young woman because of our addictions or codependency. Once we embrace this regret, we can look at pursuing our dreams today. What is it that we wish to do today? Are there dreams we want to pursue and move toward? If we have behaviors that we regret with people we love, we can make amends and adjust our behavior. This is a gift for them as well.

With our support system in place, we can take actions to follow our passions, make amends for our behavior and use the tools to live more authentically within our own value system. At this stage of our recovery and healing, we have grieved, connected more deeply with our Higher Power, forgiven ourselves and offered this understanding and compassion to others. We transform regrets and integrate what we have learned into our lives today.

Blessings to you,


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