I've recently been involved in a conversation involving men apologizing to women and making amends for years of oppression. My initial reaction was one of gratitude and the thought occurred to me that, "it was about time." I've been following the conversation, responses and reactions to this video. It's been interesting and I curiously continue to observe. The conversations have begun to revolve around safety and feeling "safe."

These conversations and other conversations we have around "safety" are especially interesting to me. We are all concerned with feeling "safe" it seems. We talk about how safety is important and when we speak our "truth" we don't feel safe and when we do speak our "truth" we feel safe and when we are listened to we feel "safe" and when we are not listened to we do not feel "safe" and on and on and on.

First of all, safety is not a feeling. It's an opinion, judgment or assessment of a situation. It's okay to assess and judge, it's just more effective to own that's what it is. The feeling that we are most likely allowing to go undistinguished is fear. The feeling we feel when we perceive we are not safe is fear. Let's own that too.

So what is safety in the recovery and personal growth circles that we all venture into? I don't know what it is for someone else. I know for me that I judge I am safe when I judge that my opinions and perspective will be heard, whether there is agreement with my point of view of not. Being heard and listened to and respected without a strong emotional charge. When I sit in a circle with others and we take turns, allowing all to share their opinions, listening with a detached curiosity, whether in agreement or not, that creates an environment of "safety." I do not have fear present then. I simply speak my view and listen to others.

There is something significant to me in this conversation about safety for cosex addicts and for women in general since we are conditioned to look to others for our care. We also look to others for our "safety" and have learned to navigate the emotional land mines around us by not sharing our perspectives or viewpoints and working hard at being "safe." I think it is an important conversation for men as well as we are all attempting to navigate feeling "safe" and don't always have all the skills to take responsibility for this state of being ourselves. How we care for ourselves, embrace our own healing and grief work and learn to look within for our "safety" are good first steps to being "safe."

Our "safety" begins within and has to do with noticing when we feel fear and discerning its source. Sometimes we feel fear when we are in a "safe" environment because those old beliefs and wounds are free to come to the surface, no longer hidden deep within. This happens in 12 step recovery circles for cosex addiction and sex addiction. The feeling of fear may actually be in response to a "safe" environment where we know that we are seen and respected and can no longer hide inside. Odd, but true.

There are also times when we feel fear and it is old fear like being around someone who reminds us of someone in our history who has hurt us. In this case, the fear is alerting us to a past hurt and danger, but not a current one.

There are yet other times when we feel fear and it is healthy instinct alerting us to the dangers that await us. This may be physical dangers like being in an unsafe neighborhood. We will also learn to trust our intuition and begin to notice emotionally dangerous potential connections with others. When we do recovery and family of origin healing work, our instincts return to us and we can learn to trust them. There are individuals that pose a potential threat to our emotional well-being and our fear alerts us to this. As we maintain a strong connection to our 12 step cosex addiction recovery program we learn to trust these instincts. We can trust this over time. Yes we can!

Discerning our own emotional states especially fear is part of creating "safety" in our lives, as this "safety" begins within. As we do our own healing, family of origin and emotional intelligence work, we begin to develop the skills to discern our own feelings. We can then begin to observe and review the characteristics of outside environments and maturity levels of others with whom we choose to relate, or not relate, if that is the case.

Our recovery work, support systems, steps and tools of healing are available to us. We can and will learn to attract "safe" environments, relationships and nurture our own inner knowing and intuition. This begins by feeling the fear, discerning its source and knowing that we are responsible for our safety; inside and out.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally