"Pletcher and Bartolameolli are undisputed experts on the subject of co-sex addiction.  They know more about it than anyone I know and have presented  an expose that with great clarity supersedes anything I have read before."

– John Bradshaw

Monday, March 28, 2011

Loving our Character defects and living in our Divine Purpose

There are moments when I wonder if old resentments, jealousy, fear and blame will always be with me. As I mature in my own spiritual and emotional intelligence, joy and fulfillment are more a part of my thinking, feeling and behaving, yet, there are moments when old resentments and jealousies surface.

On this journey of 12 step spirituality, cosex addiction recovery and living an authentic life, I am reminded that I can not become what I truly desire unless I am willing to honestly embrace my own humanness. I must begin by being with "what is" and especially with "what I resist." Then I embrace my character defects and love myself in this darkness. The old jealousies, resentments and wounded thinking are the places calling forth my deepest self love and mercy as well as my need for Divine intervention.

Here are some tools in embracing our character defects and surrendering to the healing power of our own Higher Power:

1) Awareness-In our awareness, we begin to notice our thoughts and our feelings. We develop consciousness of our petty thinking, old resentments and envy of others. In this awareness, we can choose what to do next.

2) Embrace and Love our Darkness-With awareness, we can choose to embrace and love our humanness and wounded places within. Our jealous and envious thoughts remind us of our need for Divine intervention. We choose to surrender this pain, these old resentments to our Higher Power.

3) Surrender and Share-As we surrender in prayer our own woundedness and character defects, we invite the light into our minds and hearts. As we share with another who understands the journey of recovery, we further break the bonds to our old ways of thinking and past character defects. The shame is exposed and we invite outside love and understanding.

4) Intentions for the Other-A wonderful old cure for resentments from the origins of Alcoholics Anonymous is that we pray for the one we resent. We pray that they have everything in their lives that we want for ourselves. If we are jealous, resentful or recycling past animosities, we can release this energy through prayer and meditation. We pray for them. Our intention for them is that they have their deepest desires fulfilled.

We are on a journey. There are lovely blessings along the path. There are also reminders of our own humanness and need for Divine Intervention with our character defects and shadows becoming more and more apparent. The empowerment comes not in the "absence" of these character defects, but in the brave and honest acknowledgment that they still exist within us. From this place, we surrender and invite Divine healing.

Blessings on your journey,



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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Staying Focused on Authentic Living

In our co-dependency and over responsibility for others, we can tend to get distracted from our own commitments and passions. We are in constant pursuit of outside approval. As a learned behavior, we focus too much on others and put their needs and wants ahead of our own. In the family, religious and educational systems around us, this was reinforced as a "giving and caring" way to be so when we attempt to get our own lives back as a priority, there are many messages of guilt and shame that we confront; sometimes outwardly as well as inwardly.

Seeking to live an empowered, spiritual life of self-care and service takes courage. It is not a small thing that we face our own cosex addiction, codependency, addictive behaviors and risk doing it differently, especially when this goes against the messages we took on to survive from long, long ago. To reflect on our histories, be willing to see our families with honesty and reality and confront these addictive dynamics requires the most immense bravery. Breaking the denial that keeps us locked in shame, risking disapproval on the outside to honor our own knowing on the inside and continuing to create this new way of living is a contribution to all.

Here are some simple tools to stay focused on living an empowered, spiritual life:

1) Embrace your support group and the individuals you know who are on a similar journey. Contradicting the old messages inside and dealing with the outside messages that want to keep us locked in old behaviors can be magnetic. We must keep allies close to us so that we can keep on our own path of self-care, transformation and recovery.

2) Develop a prayer and meditation practice. The more we are able to strengthen our spiritual connection, the more we are able to utilize this resource when things get challenging. A regular spiritual practice and daily meditation creates a powerful foundation for living an authentic and empowered life.

3) Forgive yourself when old patterns of behavior emerge. This is inevitable. Sometimes our very survival depended on these old adapted behaviors. While these behaviors no longer work for us, their strength and pull is tremendous. When we slip into these old dysfunctional dynamics, it is good to notice, forgive and be gentle with ourselves as well as to readjust our focus and behavior. This is part of the journey.

Blessings on your journey,


Monday, March 7, 2011

What is cosex addiction?

Cosex addiction refers to the addiction one has to those addicted to sex. Addiction in this definition is "the giving of oneself over to a habit" and the habit is an addiction to sex addicts. Both the cosex addict and the sex addict are trying to fill their own emptiness within; one with sex and the other with the relationship.

I find people really like to identify the characteristics of cosex addiction and co-dependency. What is Love Addiction? What is Sex Addiction? The more we understand it all, the more we think we can control it. Understanding has value. I also believe that the solution is the same, some of which requires us to surrender our addictions, seek a spiritual solution and release our attachment to control through understanding.

In 12 step solutions for cosex addiction and sex addiction, the steps are the same. We begin with admitting our powerlessness and unmanageability. We ask for help. Then we connect with our Higher Power of our own understanding, do an personal inventory with vulnerable self-reflection, share with an appropriate person and move on in surrender our character defects.

Lastly in 12 step spirituality, we maintain a fit spiritual condition by staying connected to a Higher Power of our understanding.

I feel joy today to have this relationship with a Higher Power. I can release my obsession over another's behavior, my own circular thinking, my addiction to perfectionism, food and being liked and any other behavior that I "give myself over to" that does not serve my highest good.

Blessings and love to all,