Making amends, as we learn in our 12 step recovery, is both freeing and challenging. Discernment is called for. Early in my recovery and emotional maturity, I took responsibility for other's behavior, as co-dependents often do, and could not distinguish between what was really my part and what was not. It took time to continually mature in perspective and be able to see myself and my character defects honestly.

Early on, we often feel so much shame when we see our own behavior and make mistakes and we are not able to distinguish between feeling defective as a human being and simple having defects. This carried shame is above and beyond what is really appropriate as we are unable to distinguish between the "shame" we have been carrying for other people's behavior and our own appropriate guilt and healthy shame when we contradict our own values. Healing this shame and the messages that we are inherently defective and bad takes time.

Another pitfall in making amends may be thinking we are responsible for someone else's behavior when we are not. In addition, making "amends" can also be an attempt for us to try and "fix" a relationship or alter uncomfortable feelings. We might just plow through an issue or difficulty with someone because we haven't developed the maturity to allow ourselves to simple be with the discomfort and seek assistance to determine what is actually our part and what is not. Conflict can be uncomfortable and we may have used making amends as a way to eliminate the discomfort we feel. Sometimes just apologizing and doing what we can to repair a connection with someone seems the easiest and quickest way to handle the upset.

Over time, we learn a more mature approach to making amends, to others and ourselves. We seek prayer and meditation as a means of teaching us discernment and self-care. We learn to distinguish between what is our part in any given relationship and what is not, allowing others the dignity of their own responsibility as well. In making amends, we realize what a great gift it is to ourselves as we are able to restore our own integrity by owning our behavior and doing our part to ask forgiveness when appropriate. Whether someone is able to receive our amends or take responsibility for their part or not is their business, not ours.

Authentic amends requires a spiritual perspective and emotional maturity. We learn this in time.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally