"Pletcher and Bartolameolli are undisputed experts on the subject of co-sex addiction.  They know more about it than anyone I know and have presented  an expose that with great clarity supersedes anything I have read before."

– John Bradshaw

Monday, January 28, 2013

It's all about me

     After many, many years in 12 step recovery and doing personal growth work, I have come to the conclusion that the journey never ends. It is, as is said, "a journey, not a destination." In our driven, hierarchical, competitive culture, it's a reminder that I need to repeat often. I learn, I grow, I relearn, I forget, remember and then relearn again. Depending on our histories, some lessons take longer to integrate than others. Thank goodness there is a lifelong learning curve and many opportunities to develop compassion and understanding for ourselves and others. 
     In Relationships From Addiction to Authenticity and in our dis-ease of cosex addiction, we learn to use the 12 steps as tools for living our lives. The principles of a recovery program teach us how to take care of ourselves in a new way. Here a some of the most potent actions we can take to do things differently on our journey of recovery:

*Asking for help. If we reach out to one another or to a sponsor when we are in pain or unsure of how to proceed, we begin to train our brains to do things differently. We begin to see other perspectives and develop more variety in our problem solving skills. 

*Sharing in support circles. Speaking aloud and breaking the silence that we carry inside and perhaps learned to tolerate at a very young age is necessary in order for us to grow and live authentically. Twelve step meetings, grief support or other gatherings in which we are called together to support, listen and stand for each other is both comforting and empowering. 

*Physical self-care. One of the most important tools for self-care is exercise and physical release of energy. It becomes the norm to stay focused in our minds and over think situations and relationships. Taking time to rest and then exercising and moving our energy is another important self-care action that can make a different in our emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. 

*Daily Prayer and Meditation. This is by far the most powerful tool for me and does not ever fail to amaze. Some days, when I think I simply do not have time to pray and/or meditate, are the days that require I take time to do so. Again, when we contradict what our brain tells us under stress we can begin to "retrain" our brains to take the actions needed for our own highest good. Prayer and meditation give me a space where I can release my fear, shame, attachments and rigid thinking and receive guidance, intuitive nudgings, refinement in my listening to the still, small voice inside and comfort.

In our first few months, maybe even years, of coming into cosex addiction recovery, we falsely hope that we will learn how to control and change our partner so that they are available, faithful and respectful of us. In time, we learn that as we focus on ourselves and use the tools of the program to deepen our own self love, self-care, and spiritual connection, life becomes sweet, whether our partner does or doesn't. We learn to care for our own well-being and nourish our divine purpose and passions. It's all about me in the most generous and unselfish ways.

Blessings on your journey, 



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