Blessings and greetings to all,

In the last week, I've had opportunities to reflect on something we only touched on in our book which was conflict as an entryway to intimacy. As women in recovery, we learn that healthy angry is an important part of having healthy boundaries, which is also an important foundation for authentic relationships. Sometimes in the beginning of learning how to hold our healthy anger and boundaries, we use strong energy and feel "triggered" beyond what is necessary in the situation. This is normal when we are learning a new behavior. Often all the times in the past when we did not have a choice or acted in our co-dependency and care-taking may arise. As we mature emotionally and learn how to hold healthy anger and communicate respectfully and cleanly, addressing conflict becomes easier. It becomes an opportunity for connection and closeness. This does take time, and it is worth the effort. As we mature in handling conflict, we see that hurt, defensiveness and blame occur less. For this to happen, it is essential to use a couple of tools and practices:

1) Distinguishing what actually happened in the relationship from what we make up about it. This means owning what gets triggered in us and owning our judgments and opinions. There is a difference between our judgment about someone's behavior and seeing objectively the facts or data. Someone who arrives ten minutes late is not necessarily inconsiderate, they are ten minutes late. We may make up or may judge that they are inconsiderate. Owning it as our judgment or opinion is important. We have a right to our opinions and judgments. The key is to own it as that, not as a fact.

2) If there is a good deal of energy with the situation or even if we may judge there is not, maturity means looking at our part. Is there something that is familiar in this situation that may be triggering us? How might this remind us of an old wound or pattern in our lives and relationships? What part might we have in attracting this situation into our lives again?

3) Respect and kindness are an essential part of conflict that becomes authentic connection. Even if we are angry or have been hurt, treating someone with kindness and respect is necessary if the conflict is to be a pathway to deeper connection. It is often easier to blame and attack someone and only focus on what they did according to our perspective, especially when feelings are hurt and we are reactive. It takes great maturity to look within to the reason for the intensity of emotion and our desire to make the other person bad or wrong. We learn over time that we can be angry AND kind at the same time. We learn to see ourselves in others, capable of making mistakes and hurting those we love. We learn to have more compassion when dealing in conflict situations. We also learn to respect both our perspective in any given situation as well as the other person's perspective. We learn that we can each see the same situation quite differently.

Whenever we have an intensity of emotion and want to make it all about the other person and what they did to us or how they are wrong, chances are we are triggered. Looking at our part is necessary. Mature, authentic communication means handling difficult situations with those we care about with detachment and respect; even when we are angry. We learn to hold this energy within us and to be kind to ourselves as well as the other person. Looking within for our part, seeing our humanness and shadows mirrored in another and using clean communication which means owning our own judgments and opinions, leads to authentic connections and relationships.

Courage and blessings on our journey,

Sally