Praise

"Pletcher and Bartolameolli are undisputed experts on the subject of co-sex addiction.  They know more about it than anyone I know and have presented  an expose that with great clarity supersedes anything I have read before."

– John Bradshaw

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Communication, detachment and love.

   When I first got into 12 step recovery, I began to learn about boundaries. I realized that I did not have them, nor did I really understand what they were and how to use them to create intimacy in my relationships. It took time to develop these skills. First, I had to begin to identify my feelings, wants and needs and then learn a language for communicating them to others. Early on, in my naiveté, I also learned that just because I knew what I was feeling, needing and wanting, not everyone else cared or wanted to hear about those newfound awarenesses. 

   Over time, my learning about boundaries matured and deepened. I began to understand that there was a context to what I shared, when I shared it and to whom it was shared. I also learned that even though I knew what my own boundaries were in a specific situation and were able to communicate them to others, they were not automatically respected. These situations revealed a lot about the people with whom I was in relationship, as well as what realistic and reasonable expectations might be for me on my part. 

   There were also many times that I engage in a conflict around boundaries violated to try and "prove my point," be "sure I was heard," and simply because I was addicted to drama. I would feel shame if someone got angry or I made a mistake with not having good boundaries or being too rigid. More often than not, I was learning a new set of skills and the process of navigating all of these  situations with my newly developed communication skills and boundaries was messy. I wasn't always sure how to best handle the differing circumstances. Needless to say, learning functional communication and relationship skills is a journey, not a destination. 

   Today in my life I notice how much more easily I stand up for myself, without blaming or attacking the other person. I see my own expectations as appropriate and sometimes I don't have any expectations and I let go of outcomes readily. I don't expect others to do for me what I am unwillling to do for myself. I no longer put my unmet childhood needs on friends, family or strangers and I communicate easily with love for myself and others.

   Gratefully, I've learned many skills needed to experience authentic, fulfilling relationships with others and with myself. 

Blessings to you on your journey, 

Sally