cosexaddiction.com blog

Surrender and Power

2012-01-11T06:19:00.000-08:00

With cosexaddiction, as with any addiction, there is a desire for control and power. The only way the addictive self thinks control or power is available is through the addictive pattern. Sex addiction, control, codependency, eating disorders, alcohol abuse and all other addictive patterns are simply a form of control or an attempt at control.

Admitting powerlessness is not an admission of no power-it is in fact, a doorway through which power can be sought. This spiritual power includes freedom and choice.

When we are able to admit our powerlessness over another person's choices and behaviors, we gain the freedom and power to choose our own actions.

When we are able to admit our powerlessness over our own addictive thinking and behavior, we gain freedom and power to use our time and energy as we desire.

In the surrender of addictive dynamics in both thought and deed, we embrace the spiritual flow of power and guidance that is available to us. When our attachments to old addictive thoughts and behaviors is present, we block this spiritual energy.

Today we claim the true spiritual power that comes from surrender to old attachments. Daily prayer and meditation will assist us in knowing when to surrender these attachments and with whom. As we surrender and release, our true spiritual power is made manifest. Our energy, our thoughts and our actions belong to us and we are free to use for service and contribution.

Having had a spiritual awakening....

2011-12-19T07:08:00.000-08:00

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we carried this message to others and practiced this principles in all areas of our lives.....

What a gift our 12 step program offers us. It is a promise that is made and kept when we surrender ourselves to the discipline of the 12 steps. In experiencing a "spiritual awakening" we are able to see a transformation in our own lives and we begin to understand what it means that our pain can make a difference in the lives of others as we share our experience, strength and hope.

Today I know that practicing these principles in all areas of my life means that I can use the steps to deepen my joy and authentic connection with others.

One of the most important principles and steps I use to create authentic intimacy in my life is Making Amends. When I notice that I have hurt someone else or have an upset in my relationships with others, I look inside to see my part. Where have I contradicted my own value system, given unsolicited advice, become attached to an outcome or not been honest and open?

When I am able to "own my part" in any difficulty with another, I am able to experience the freedom that comes from self-responsibility and emotional maturity. Regardless of the other person's ability to be rigorously honest or take responsibility for their part in the relationship, taking responsibility for my part provides joy and freedom for myself.

Blessings on your journey of practicing all these principles in your own life!

Sally

Self-Consciousness.....

2011-11-10T06:49:00.000-08:00

I love those moments when I am without a sense of self. It's not like being unaware or unconscious, but to be so fully in the moment and in my intention of being available for service that I don't wonder about how I am being perceived or if I am liked and approved of. There is such freedom to surrender to the moment without that self-consciousness. I want to do that more and more. Here are some things that I have learned from my own experiences and the generous sharing of others' experience about being fully in the moment:

1) A rich prayer and meditation practice is the most important tool for letting go of self-consciousness. As we deepen our connection with a Divine Source, we are less and less likely to find approval on the outside or through others. We move and breathe and find our purpose from within and in relationship with Spirit.

2) We must share ourselves and take safe risks with mature and available individuals and support groups. In this way, we release more and more of our past hurts and grief, living more fully and authentically in the present moment. Through our vulnerability, we heal and move more into living our Divine Purpose.

3) Choose to let go of the past and embrace a new way of living. Many of us who are recovering from cosex addiction, co-dependency and living for others, must choose if we are willing to let go of those familiar patterns and risk the unknown. Living in the moment, taking safe risks in our lives, and changing dynamics that no longer serve us requires courage and a willingness to step into unknown territory. It is a choice and we must choose consciously.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Self-Forgiveness

2011-11-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

It's still challenging for me to forgive myself. There is this belief within that I "should" know better after being in 12 step recovery for so long. When I get hurt by someone else's bad behavior, I should not have allowed it or somehow anticipated it or I must have attracted it to myself in some way. In other words, I still take responsibility for someone else's behavior.

In reaching out for support recently, someone in program reminded me to look at any resentments that I may have in a specific relationship and what is being affected in my life: my self esteem, relationships, financial issues, insecurities. Interestingly, I discovered my relationship with myself had been damaged. Two individuals in my life behaved badly with me and I believe that I "allowed" it to happen. Of course I did not really allow it, I simply was caught off guard and unable to act in my own best interest in the moment. I made a mistake. Focusing on what they did is not helpful to me. Connecting with the real sense of betrayal I feel from myself and then the difficulty in forgiving myself is the key for my healing and moving on.

Today I intellectually understand that I am not responsible for someone else's bad behavior. I have difficulty, however, when I do not protect myself from it perfectly. I can still get caught off guard, go into minor shock and regress into a little girl reaction.

My commitment to myself is to let myself off the hook when I make a mistake. I can learn from this and know that there will be progress for next time. I will make mistakes and when I hurt myself or others, I can use the tools of our 12 step program including making amends to myself, asking for my Higher Power to help heal this wound, turn it over and letting go.

Blessings to us all on our journey of recovery,

Sally

Focus on self....

2011-10-28T06:59:00.001-07:00

In our cosex addiction recovery, we surrender to the discipline taught us in the 12 steps including "praying only for the knowledge of our Higher Power's will for us and the courage to carry that out."

This remains a challenge to my ego still after many years in the program. Often I wonder if my Higher Power really knows what is best for those I love and how could I really let go of my own attempts to control the outcome.

Then there is the concern that I might not get that new home, or my partner, friend or family member may not do what I think they should do in the best interest of my relationship with them.

To really continue the intention and practice of "praying only for the knowledge of my Higher Power's will for me and the courage to carry that out" without using my time and energy for obsessing on what others in my life should do continues to be my stretch behavior. I can begin with where I am at and continually practice focusing only on myself. I can release those I love to this Higher Power and, again, focus on myself. While perfection in this behavior may not be attainable, I know I can make progress over time.

It is a practice that I bring mindfully to my prayer and meditation time daily.

Twelve Step recovery and the discipline of the 12 steps is not an easy spiritual path. It requires determination and continued surrender. Our progress and use of daily program tools offer us the privilege of a daily reprieve from our self-centered attachments.

Today I am able to focus only on my connection to a Higher Power and in my surrender to this intention, I bless those I love and care about as well.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Continued to take personal inventory....

2011-10-11T05:28:00.001-07:00

The 12 steps continue to teach and mentor me through my spiritual life. Every problem that I encountered can be bettered through the use of one of these 12 steps. At times I own my powerlessness and see attachments to my own self-will and ego wounds. Other times, I am able to connect with a Higher Power and turn a situation or difficulty over to a divine perspective. There are other times as well where I take action and review my part in an upset or challenging situation. When appropriate I make amends to someone else, myself or simply, yet powerfully, change my own behavior for a living amends. Here are some guidelines for Continuing to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitting it:

1) Keep your prayer and meditation practice alive and well. This will keep my connection with the Divine vibrant and the path for insight open. I will see more clearly my own behavior and be able to think before I speak and react in any given situation; minimizing the need to make amends for my behavior.

2) Often our amends are to ourselves for a lack of boundaries, self-care or not trusting our intuition. Then we are hurt or blindsided by someone else's bad behavior. We can learn these lessons quickly by going within and developing those internal and external boundaries. We deserve to care well for ourselves.

3) An amends to those we are closest to in our lives can simply be a form of apology for how our behavior may have hurt them. There doesn't have to be a long and drawn out explanation, nor do we always need to fully understand the intricacies of all our internal motivations manifested in our relationship behavior with others. A simple apology for our behavior does the trick.

4) Forgiving ourselves and adjusting our behavior to include better self-care makes a difference in our lives. We are on a journey in life, learning to live with values aligned to recovery and new way of living. Our journey of self-love and high functioning teaches us to adjust when necessary and continually grow in wisdom and maturity, forgiving our own transgressions along the way.

One of the greatest gifts of my 12 step recovery journey is seeing myself welcome mature individuals with a great capacity to connect and grow with me. I no longer have to take responsibility for others' bad behavior and know that I deserve the same care and love from others that I give freely. Attracting healthful, kind and responsible behavior from others is one of the greatest gifts of recovery.

Blessings on your journey, Sally

Continued to take personal inventory....

2011-10-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

Interestingly enough, I've had two people in the last month take my personal inventory. These are people who claim to be committed to a spiritual journey and work a 12 step program. Initially I was stunned, then went into shame, had some healthful grief and anger and now see the blessing in the experiences with both of them.

One of these people mirror to me grandiosity; a belief in my own uniqueness. This grandiosity lets me off the hook of being responsible for my behavior or honoring of others' boundaries. Because "I am special" I do not have to play by the same rules and can blame others when things do not go my way, rather than see my part.

The other situation mirrored to me the difficulty that I have with closeness and intimacy. Often, I will push my husband away or those I love the most because being loved or "seen" by others is so frightening to me. I am not immune from the effects of my own survival behaviors and must stay awake to my own self-sabotaging.

One of the most powerful tools and practices to assist us in our intimate connections with others is the Tenth Step which tells us to "continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admit it." This practice allows us to stay connected to others and keep the focus on ourselves. We are not responsible when others behave badly. We can keep ourselves in integrity by honoring our own values and reflect on our part in any upset. Once we do this, we take appropriate action to make amends and let go of the results; whether the other person does the same or not.

Living the 12 steps in our lives in not always easy. The rewards, however, keep us grounded in our own values and open to creating authentic relationships with others. In seeing our part in any relationship, growth will occur, whether or not we are met by another taking the same level of maturity and self-responsibility. We grow in intimate relationship with ourselves when we see our part and over time will attract this kind of maturity and self-responsibility in our relationships with others.

In both of these relationships, I see my own opportunity to grow in detachment, keeping the focus on myself, letting go of those not willing to be responsible for their own personal inventory and then attracting more and more mature relationships.

Today I affirm that I deserve relationships with others who have a level of maturity similar to my own. I affirm self-responsibility and connections that support authenticity and honesty and an ever deepening connection to self, spirit and each other. The Tenth Step is an important tool for maintaining our intimate connections with others deserving our attention, energy and spirits.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

From darkness to light...

2011-09-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

Shadows reflect our light...

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light,” said Carl Jung, “but by making the darkness conscious.” As the originator of the concept of “shadow” Carl Jung first brought into our cultural consciousness the necessity of loving ourselves through bringing to consciousness what is in the unconscious. This applies especially to the most unlovable and dark parts that we have worked diligently to hide, repress and deny. As a certified Shadow Work® facilitator and author of a book on the Sacred Feminine, I work with these energies and create environments that allow individuals to explore their darker side. With Sacred Feminine principles, we surrender to it all and know that the connection between dark and light, pain and joy, sickness and health is symbiotic. We cannot experience one without the other. Stepping into my own darkness, looking at my cosex addiction and other addictive dynamics in my life inform me of my shadows and places for Divine light. Using the 12 steps to assist in looking within allows me to continue my own emotional and spiritual maturity and trust my darkness to the light and to my Higher Power.

In “Blessings From Mary” my most recent book, I explore 9 Sacred Feminine Principles and offer daily meditations that lead one to their Divine Purpose. Here I share some ideas inspired by Carl Jung which encourage us to embrace those “dark” emotions rather than avoid and run from them. In an age and culture that prescribes to a quick fix from discomfort: physical, emotional and spiritual, it’s not always an appealing invitation to explore and embrace our shadows. We think if we are feeling good then we are living well and if we are feeling grieve, despair, fear or shame there must be something wrong.

Using our recovery program to share with our sponsor or someone who understands addiction is a tool for bringing into the light that which shame and fear keep hidden. We grow every time we do a 5th step and share our character defects with someone else.

Sacred Feminine spirituality encourages us to meet all of ourselves with open heart and allow our wounds to inform us of all we have to offer. Our woundedness and shadows teach us about our giftedness. In our full embrace of the hurts, pain, “feel-bad” emotions we carry, we also embrace our compassion, joy and deepest sense of self. In the Sacred Feminine perspective, we hold our darkness with comfort, care and a willingness to surrender. In our darkness, we find brilliance, wisdom and authenticity.

From this fullness, we give to others. Our fully experienced grief, fear and pain open our hearts and bring us the unexpected gifts of gratitude, joy and a deepened capacity to love ourselves and others.

Birth-Death-Rebirth

2011-09-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I learned that someone I loved and who had been instrumental in my young adult years died. I have no information about the circumstances of his death. This summer while in my hometown, I thought of him often. There were several instances in which I thought of visiting, but then decided against it. I did not know that he was sick.

In my recovery, I can feel my sadness about losing this person on the physical plane and forgive myself for not visiting these last months. In doing so, I receive the gift of more fully trusting my intuitive nudgings and following those desires that whisper to me of action. The next time I think of someone and have the thought to contact them or reach out, I will do so.

Today, I can remember the influence of this man in my teen years and receive his love and acceptance as part of my journey of loving and accepting myself.

As we keep our hearts open, we feel the joys and the losses in life. This experience fills our spirits with hope, gratitude and the never-ending circles of birth, death and rebirth.

Blessings and love,

Sally

Conscious Transitions

2011-08-24T02:30:00.000-07:00

My daughter has headed off to college. We drove across country together and now I am with her during her orientation. I am so privileged to share this time with her and enjoy this mother/daughter time together. There is joy, fear, excitement and grief. It's a natural transition in life; to let our children go and support a new level of independence and exploration into the wide, wide world.

I wonder if I have given her enough guidance, taught her enough life skills for day to day functioning and how I will ever survive my aching heart with her across the country and so far away.

My mother and I did not speak about my going off to college. Instead, I noticed she got physically ill the last few months of my senior year in high school and over the summer before my first college semester. It was a momentous event but there was no conscious transitioning or anticipatory communications of what was to come. Personally, I wasn't feeling much as I had already learned to shut down emotionally and survive through focusing on others and pushing through what needed to be done.

Twelve step recovery, family of origin work and personal growth healing allows us all to "do things differently" and for this I am deeply and profoundly grateful. My daughter and I speak about our fears as well as our joys and the exciting possibilities that await her. We've had some upsets that we've talked through and realized are really about my fear of letting her go. I can feel and talk about this all honestly with her. While we both consciously witness this transition, she is given permission to transition in life consciously. Recovery gives us our senses which allow us to be fully present to all that we are experiencing. We have choices, support groups to share with, self-awareness to guide us and a spiritual connection to comfort us.

What an immense gift I am able to give myself and my daughter as I allow myself the authentic experience of this profound transition. We can navigate it emotionally together and find our way with our full self expression and learn to "do it differently" and embrace the experience fully.

With deepest appreciation,

Sally

Living Fully

2011-08-02T06:25:00.000-07:00

I want to know the "right thing" to do in my life. This includes what to say in my relationships with others, what courses to take and trainings to do, what will increase my joy and financial income, should I go to Colorado for vacation or visit family in Michigan?

When we come from a dysfunctional or addictive family system, including the avoidance of dealing directly with trauma, we shut down to survive and in the process lose access to ourselves. When I shut down my fear, I shut down my joy. When I shut down my sensitivity, I lose awareness and creativity as well. I become afraid to live fully.

Embracing all of who we are and the pain that we carry, allows us to embrace deep joy. When we honor our pain and trauma, we open to the possibility of healing and maturing through it all. If we deny ourselves our own history, trauma and pain, we live "tightly." We become afraid to make the wrong decision and focus our energy on how to survive with the least amount of scraps and bruises. We become afraid to fully live and risk "wrong" decisions.

Life, when lived with an open and humble heart, is full of risk, pain, joy and wrong turns. On the road to the many wrong turns we make, we find adventure, beauty and learn new ways to go, new ways to be.

Today I know that I will make "wrong" turns and mistakes along the way. I have the tools of amends, seeing my part, asking for help and learning from these mistakes to enhance the journey. I am grateful for the 12 steps that guide me and my own emotional maturity that teaches me self-forgiveness and the courage to live life fully.

The Art of Receiving

2011-07-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

As our recovery progresses, we learn so much about ourselves and how to live more authentically. In our dis-ease, we keep secrets, do our best to survive, work harder and rely upon ourselves. Trusting others does not come easily; at least this has been my own personal experience.

In recovery and in our emotional and spiritual maturity, we learn to reclaim behaviors that nurture us and create a sense of connectedness with our community. We reach out for help when we need it, we allow others to give to us out of their authentic desire to contribute and we begin to rely on a Power greater than ourselves to orchestrate and oversee our journey in life.

Here are some ways to practice new behaviors that nourish us, allow us to receive from others and our Spiritual Source, thus enabling us to be filled from within:

1) Practice a daily prayer and meditation time in which you allow yourself to receive Divine energy and blessing. This may simply be sitting quietly and breathing deeply while imagining the Loving energy of our Higher Power, Spirit Guides and Divine Source surrounding us and bestowing blessings upon us. Even five minutes each day will reap great results.

2) Ask for help. This has been challenging for me and risky for most of us. One of the ways that I learned to get through difficult times was "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and work even harder. Trusting others set me up for disappointment. I was often supportive and available to others but did not reach out on my own behalf when in a challenging situation internally or externally. Today I ask for help and use my support system on a regular basis. Even leaving a message for someone asking for support shifts the energy inside of me. I have a sense of connection with others and with a Higher Power.

3) Receive. I give of myself to others in many different ways. Today, more than any other time in my life, my availability to others is a choice. I give from my own fullness within rather than an automatic behavior that focuses on others or avoids what is going on inside of myself by care-taking. I allow myself to receive with humility and gratitude and find that in doing so, the givers are blessed as well.

Authentic generosity reaps a sense of abundance. Giving from a place of fullness multiplies my energy and creates more space to receive.

Blessings to you as you learn to risk reaching out to others and allow yourself to receive.

Love, Sally

Trusting the Flow

2011-06-28T11:31:00.000-07:00

I have been traveling with my daughter. It is our last "mother/daughter" trip before she is off to college. She requested this time together and so we cancelled our plane reservations and hit the road. We are in my hometown of Iron Mountain, MI where many of my cousins and relatives still live. My mother's only living sibling was on the front cover of the Iron Mountain News as a 101 year old speaking about her life. It's a rich and generous history I have here, surrounded by natural beauty and an abundance of wildlife. I overheard someone at my cousin's soccer game share the details of their brush with a moose in town a few days ago. It's a different way of life than the hustle and bustle of Houston. As a meditate on the wooden swing on the banks of the Menominee River, I am reminded of the spiritual aspects of "going with the flow." Nature helps me to do this and here are some tips that have come out of my quiet time each day:

1) Breathing deeply assists us in being present and fully relaxed in the moment. Breathe deeply and often to assist in being fully present.

2) My guides and Higher Power tell me that being fully present in the moment is when and where I will encounter spiritual guidance. If I am able to allow myself full surrender to the moment, I will experience the whisperings of Spirit. It is here that I am able to follow the flow more effortlessly and consistently.

3) As I allow myself the experience of full presence and surrendering to the quiet whisperings of Spirit, I can release what does not serve me in thought, feeling and action and receive the guidance I desire in my life. This was significant to me. As I allow my emotional and spiritual maturity to deepen, I am more connected to the Spirit Guides and Soul Partners that inspire, comfort and guide me. In this union, I release what does not serve and offer my desires and prayers with precise consciousness and intention.

I've come to believe that the more conscious I become, the more I am able to discern old patterns of thought and behavior that no longer serve me in my life and interfere with my Holy presence offered to others. As I recognize these old touchstones of familiarity, I can release them to a Spiritual Consciousness. When I release I open energetically for new ways to serve and unite with spiritual resources.

Today I use prayer and meditation and the tools I learn in recovery to be fully present to the moment. In that moment, I release unfavorable thoughts, beliefs and behaviors and open to love, connection and generosity. This surrendering to the flow and trusting the flow allows me to manifest my deepest desires and be of service in new and profound ways.

Blessings to you on your journey of trusting the flow,

Sally

Embracing Shame/Shadows

2011-06-07T06:53:00.001-07:00

One of the ways I have learned to see where my own shame hides is to look at my harsh judgments of other women. When I feel shame about something, it goes into shadow. Shadow is those things that Carl Jung taught us about our unconscious and our abilities to hide, repress and deny parts of ourselves. When we are shamed or learn to hide parts of ourselves, they go into our shadow self. Often we then "project" them onto other women and judge them harshly, criticize them or detest them.

Here are some tools for embracing our shadows, owning and transforming these shame filled shadows and free our energy for service and contribution:

•Identifying Shame-review how do we know when we are in shame.

•Embrace it, honor it and share it in safe circles and with safe people.

•Spiritual Solution develop a prayer and meditation practice.

•Sponsorship/12 steps-sharing with another human being makes all the difference.

•Group Support-find support circles that understand how to identify and heal shame.

•Risk feeling shame by practicing new behaviors. New behaviors will often trigger shame as we learn to do things outside of how we learned to survive. Knowing this is part of the process helps.

•BioEnergetic Healing-Reframing-Sculpting, Family Constellations-Shadow Work-Episode Writing-Role Playing

•Competition with Women, Oppression of Women-learn about this and how you, yourself, compete and oppress yourself and the women in your life.

•Practice good, healthy anger and associate with women who support you in your power.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Embracing Risk

2011-06-01T08:12:00.000-07:00

Like all recovery from addictive behavior, there is risk involved. The addictive behaviors that we use to medicate our feelings become our friends and comfort. In the realm of human interactions, we know that we might get hurt; people disappoint and sometimes betray us. Our addiction to certain beliefs, behaviors and thoughts and dynamics offer us some security, stability even. Learning to recognize and take responsibility for the "payoffs" in our old ways takes courage. The risk of stepping into the unknown of possibility is real. Here are some tips for embracing the risk with ease:

1) Know that new behaviors are risky. Be with your fear and embrace it with gentleness. Let yourself ease into the new ways slowly and experience the fear as part of the process. Nothing is wrong and everything is right!

2) Prepare yourself with kindness and understanding. When we choose ourselves and new possibilities, we may be confronted with others' resistance. Those around us get used to our smallness, our lack thinking and behaving and it may be threatening when we choose to leave the predictable patterns. Choose yourself and the possibilities that await you as you release the old and embrace the new. Mature support circles will assist with offering a place to go where you belong and find comfort.

3) Take responsibility for your old thinking and behaving. What is the payoff to seeing yourself as a victim, or care-taking others, or pleasing those around you? What is the payoff to seeing yourself as a victim to financial circumstances? What is really at risk for your to choose yourself and allow yourself to dream big? Being addicted to certain ways of thinking and behaving becomes comfortable and maturely seeing our part in this gives freedom and choice.

4) Remember that you are not alone. Nurture your relationship with a Higher Power. We don't ever have to do it alone and this vital spiritual connection gives us places to surrender our fear and shame. In this spiritual connection, we are given the courage to embrace the risk that comes with growing and changing and welcome the joy that follows.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Embracing our Shame

2011-05-23T07:27:00.001-07:00

There is much that is counterintuitive about shame and recovery work. We learn to avoid certain feelings and behaviors as a way to survive and be effective in our lives. When it comes to shame and recovery work, however, the answer is to fully embrace all of what we feel, think and how we behave; especially that which we want to hide the most. In fully embracing these characteristics of ourselves, we come to know who we really are. Honoring and embracing shame allows us to find deep compassion for our own wounds and teaches us to love fully. As we learn to embrace the darkest parts of ourselves and bring them into the light, our heart opens and we have more mature care and love to offer to others. Here are some tips for embracing shame:

1) Develop a relationship with a Higher Power that loves and accepts you unconditionally. We may need to do some work with our image of God/Goddess/Spirit/Higher Power in order to be certain that our image is pure and not based on parental characteristics or a shaming demeanor learned in childhood.

2) Create circles of support that empower and nourish us in our authenticity. Recovery support circles where we learn new behaviors and can do our grief work are essential in teaching us to fully love ourselves and live life differently.

3) Trauma resolution, grief work and bioenergetic healing is an important piece of embracing our shame and loving ourselves. We are learning how trauma is stored in the body. We need places that understand this and create a container for releasing this trauma from the body.

In allowing ourselves the experience of embracing our shame, sharing our deepest secrets and receiving blessings from others in spite of it all, we heal. In our healing we learn mature self-love, self-forgiveness and self-care. Our compassionate hearts break open and we love more deeply and fully. We become the wounded healers and servants of compassion.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Breaking the Silence and Repairing Connection

2011-05-09T07:05:00.000-07:00

One of the practices that one who is recovering from trauma learns is necessary in the ongoing healing from the trauma is breaking the silence. Breaking the silence around what has happened to us, where addiction has affected our lives or how we have been abused is one of the first actions to take in continued healing and empowerment.

As cosex addicts, there is a strong identification with being victimized by an acting out partner and being caught off guard by the trauma of betrayal. When we look more honestly at the situation and begin our own recovery work, we see our part more clearly. This does not excuse anyone else's behavior, but it does allow us to accept our part in the denial, our lack of boundaries and over-focus on another individual. We begin to look at the family of origins that we learned our behavior within and see a pattern within ourselves that has kept us locked in shame and fear. Here are some guidelines and practices for breaking the silence and repairing connection:

1) We must ask for help when the trauma and betrayal is revealed. In asking for help, we begin to step outside of our own denial and move into the possibility of seeing with a new set of eyes.

2) We learn the facts about addiction, dysfunction families and start to see of our family of origin set-up for our own lack of boundaries and cosex addiction. Seeing our own medicating of feelings through an eating disorder, alcohol, shopping, over-volunteering, extreme care-taking for our children and family, gossiping and triangulating allows us to uncover our authentic selves. With our honesty and personal power beginning to emerge, we can make new choices.

3) A vibrant and authentic spiritual practice and support circle is an ongoing necessity for repairing connection with ourselves and others. In our spiritual practice we connect honestly with our Higher Power and use the tools of the 12 steps to deal with the challenges that arise in our lives. In a support circle that understands recovery from cosex addiction and empowerment work, we continue to speak our reality which allows us to keep from falling into denial and silence. As we reach out to others, our Higher Power and honor our own reality, we begin to repair connections; first with ourselves and our Higher Power and then with those we choose to be in a relationship with over time.

Honesty, spiritual connection and ongoing support are the paths to Authentic Connection with ourselves and others.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Persistence

2011-05-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

The word "persistent" means continuing firmly or obstinately in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition. For women recovering from cosex addiction, this can be tricky. Sometimes in our dis-ease we tolerate and tolerate and tolerate and tolerate, without a sense of self and good boundaries. Persistence in this regard is really feeding our dis-ease and not necessarily feeding our recovery and self-esteem. There is a time to hold on and a time to let go.

Persistence in our recovery, however, is something else. Looking inside, seeing our patterns of behavior, honestly reviewing our family of origin set-up, formally writing the 12 steps, using the tools of the program and being consistent in developing a support network is a good use of the energy of persistence. When we use persistence to embrace the obstacles along the way, walk through the shame and fear that we inevitably encounter-we reap the benefits of emotional and spiritual maturity. We develop the capacity to care well for ourselves and the ability to choose who we attract into our lives. Our persistence teaches us to trust ourselves above all others and from this trusted relationship with self, we choose how to care well for ourselves physically, emotionally, relationally, spiritually and financially.

Persistence with discernment and the perspective of our recovery support group makes all the difference.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Miracles...

2011-04-26T06:45:00.000-07:00

Today I am experiencing a miracle. I am moved by it all. The origin of the word miracle comes from the Latin meaning "objects of wonder." It is true that I am experiencing an "object of wonder."

As I look at this transformation and the miracles in my life, I notice some common elements in each of the objects of wonder I have experienced. I share with you as an invitation to see how to manifest for yourself and to compare it some of the elements you see in the miracles of your life.

1) Miracles seem to happen over time rather than immediate. Therefore, being faithful to myself and determined to stay focused on the miracle is important.

2) The foundation for this "objects of wonder" happening is a fertile ground. This fertile ground is prayer and meditation. A relationship with a Higher Power and a place to bring my struggles and challenges has been essential.

3) Doing my part. When I want something to change in my life, I have to do my part. Look at my own behavior, ask someone for help, be willing to let go of thoughts and beliefs that no longer serve me and stay close to my own spiritual practice.

4) An essential part of my the fertile ground and doing my part when looking for change is a vibrant support system. I know that I need people who understand personal growth, family of origin work and share the journey of healing, empowerment and transformation.

This week I am especially reminder that miracles can and do happen in my life, most especially when I am willing to do my part.

Blessings to you,

Sally

Safety begins inside....

2011-04-18T05:21:00.000-07:00

I've recently been involved in a conversation involving men apologizing to women and making amends for years of oppression. My initial reaction was one of gratitude and the thought occurred to me that, "it was about time." I've been following the conversation, responses and reactions to this video. It's been interesting and I curiously continue to observe. The conversations have begun to revolve around safety and feeling "safe."

These conversations and other conversations we have around "safety" are especially interesting to me. We are all concerned with feeling "safe" it seems. We talk about how safety is important and when we speak our "truth" we don't feel safe and when we do speak our "truth" we feel safe and when we are listened to we feel "safe" and when we are not listened to we do not feel "safe" and on and on and on.

First of all, safety is not a feeling. It's an opinion, judgment or assessment of a situation. It's okay to assess and judge, it's just more effective to own that's what it is. The feeling that we are most likely allowing to go undistinguished is fear. The feeling we feel when we perceive we are not safe is fear. Let's own that too.

So what is safety in the recovery and personal growth circles that we all venture into? I don't know what it is for someone else. I know for me that I judge I am safe when I judge that my opinions and perspective will be heard, whether there is agreement with my point of view of not. Being heard and listened to and respected without a strong emotional charge. When I sit in a circle with others and we take turns, allowing all to share their opinions, listening with a detached curiosity, whether in agreement or not, that creates an environment of "safety." I do not have fear present then. I simply speak my view and listen to others.

There is something significant to me in this conversation about safety for cosex addicts and for women in general since we are conditioned to look to others for our care. We also look to others for our "safety" and have learned to navigate the emotional land mines around us by not sharing our perspectives or viewpoints and working hard at being "safe." I think it is an important conversation for men as well as we are all attempting to navigate feeling "safe" and don't always have all the skills to take responsibility for this state of being ourselves. How we care for ourselves, embrace our own healing and grief work and learn to look within for our "safety" are good first steps to being "safe."

Our "safety" begins within and has to do with noticing when we feel fear and discerning its source. Sometimes we feel fear when we are in a "safe" environment because those old beliefs and wounds are free to come to the surface, no longer hidden deep within. This happens in 12 step recovery circles for cosex addiction and sex addiction. The feeling of fear may actually be in response to a "safe" environment where we know that we are seen and respected and can no longer hide inside. Odd, but true.

There are also times when we feel fear and it is old fear like being around someone who reminds us of someone in our history who has hurt us. In this case, the fear is alerting us to a past hurt and danger, but not a current one.

There are yet other times when we feel fear and it is healthy instinct alerting us to the dangers that await us. This may be physical dangers like being in an unsafe neighborhood. We will also learn to trust our intuition and begin to notice emotionally dangerous potential connections with others. When we do recovery and family of origin healing work, our instincts return to us and we can learn to trust them. There are individuals that pose a potential threat to our emotional well-being and our fear alerts us to this. As we maintain a strong connection to our 12 step cosex addiction recovery program we learn to trust these instincts. We can trust this over time. Yes we can!

Discerning our own emotional states especially fear is part of creating "safety" in our lives, as this "safety" begins within. As we do our own healing, family of origin and emotional intelligence work, we begin to develop the skills to discern our own feelings. We can then begin to observe and review the characteristics of outside environments and maturity levels of others with whom we choose to relate, or not relate, if that is the case.

Our recovery work, support systems, steps and tools of healing are available to us. We can and will learn to attract "safe" environments, relationships and nurture our own inner knowing and intuition. This begins by feeling the fear, discerning its source and knowing that we are responsible for our safety; inside and out.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Cosex Addiction and Sex Addiction; Surrendering to the Unknown

2011-04-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

Learning to live authentically, when we have lived out of our old beliefs and fears, takes courage. We must surrender ourselves to a Power greater than ourselves and trust the journey of 12 step recovery and cosex addiction healing. We risk doing things differently than we have done in the past. Living outside of our dysfunction, codependency, learning new behaviors and risking the possibility of living authentically requires delving into the unknown. Here are some tips for transforming cosex addiction and sex addiction into authentic living as we surrender to the unknown:

1) Develop a relationship with a Higher Power. Nurturing this spiritual connection requires daily prayer and meditation. Even five minutes a day will begin to nourish this spiritual practice and provide us with a tool that we can use in our lives on a daily basis.

2) Develop relationships with others in 12 step recovery who choose to address their own cosex addiction and sex addiction. Knowing that we are not alone and there are others who have gone before us to share their wisdom and experience makes all the difference. Feeling connected to a recovery community gives us courage, strength and unlimited resources.

3) Remember that mistakes along the path are part of learning to surrender to the unknown. Continue on the path with these tools: 12 step meetings, working the 12 steps, family of origin work, developing a regular prayer and meditation practice, will insure transformation. When taking these actions, you will have a strong foundation of self-love and forgiveness when you make mistakes. Surrender to progress and not perfection.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Regrets...

2011-04-04T07:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever regretted something you did or did not do? How did you move beyond the regret? What did you learn from the experience?

Looking back and feeling regret is a part of life and our 12 step recovery journey will assist us in seeing these regrets and moving beyond them. Sometimes we see our reactivity in our relationships with others and wish we could have behaved differently. In our dis-ease, we see how we focused on energy on other people in an unbalanced way or learned to use substances including food or alcohol to cope and have regrets about this. In our addictive behavior, we also neglect our children, our families, friends, careers and health. Having some regret is part of our healing and empowerment journey. So how can we maximize the experience of regret? Here are some suggested tools turning our regrets into a welcome experience:

1) Embrace and acknowledge the regret. We can not transform anything until we fully acknowledge what is, right here and right now. Our 12 step journey gives us the emotional capacity and honesty to admit the existence of our regrets, grieve and find the gifts and learning from the experience.

2) Take the regret with any shame or grief to our Higher Power or Spiritual Source. In our prayer and meditation practice we can do our part (acknowledge the regret) and symbolically lay it at the feel of our Spiritual Source. We can allow our Higher Power to do for us what we may not be able to do for ourselves; forgive ourselves, heal and move through the regret.

3) Forgive ourselves. Once we are able to honestly acknowledge our regrets and offer ourselves compassion for doing our best at that time, we can begin to forgive. In our self-forgiveness we receive love and understanding from our Higher Power. The more that we embrace love and understanding for ourselves, the more we are able to offer this to others from a place of fullness and authenticity. We have more love, compassion and understanding to give to others.

4) Find the gift in the regret. Perhaps we regret not pursuing our dreams as a young woman because of our addictions or codependency. Once we embrace this regret, we can look at pursuing our dreams today. What is it that we wish to do today? Are there dreams we want to pursue and move toward? If we have behaviors that we regret with people we love, we can make amends and adjust our behavior. This is a gift for them as well.

With our support system in place, we can take actions to follow our passions, make amends for our behavior and use the tools to live more authentically within our own value system. At this stage of our recovery and healing, we have grieved, connected more deeply with our Higher Power, forgiven ourselves and offered this understanding and compassion to others. We transform regrets and integrate what we have learned into our lives today.

Blessings to you,

Sally

Loving our Character defects and living in our Divine Purpose

2011-03-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

There are moments when I wonder if old resentments, jealousy, fear and blame will always be with me. As I mature in my own spiritual and emotional intelligence, joy and fulfillment are more a part of my thinking, feeling and behaving, yet, there are moments when old resentments and jealousies surface.

On this journey of 12 step spirituality, cosex addiction recovery and living an authentic life, I am reminded that I can not become what I truly desire unless I am willing to honestly embrace my own humanness. I must begin by being with "what is" and especially with "what I resist." Then I embrace my character defects and love myself in this darkness. The old jealousies, resentments and wounded thinking are the places calling forth my deepest self love and mercy as well as my need for Divine intervention.

Here are some tools in embracing our character defects and surrendering to the healing power of our own Higher Power:

1) Awareness-In our awareness, we begin to notice our thoughts and our feelings. We develop consciousness of our petty thinking, old resentments and envy of others. In this awareness, we can choose what to do next.

2) Embrace and Love our Darkness-With awareness, we can choose to embrace and love our humanness and wounded places within. Our jealous and envious thoughts remind us of our need for Divine intervention. We choose to surrender this pain, these old resentments to our Higher Power.

3) Surrender and Share-As we surrender in prayer our own woundedness and character defects, we invite the light into our minds and hearts. As we share with another who understands the journey of recovery, we further break the bonds to our old ways of thinking and past character defects. The shame is exposed and we invite outside love and understanding.

4) Intentions for the Other-A wonderful old cure for resentments from the origins of Alcoholics Anonymous is that we pray for the one we resent. We pray that they have everything in their lives that we want for ourselves. If we are jealous, resentful or recycling past animosities, we can release this energy through prayer and meditation. We pray for them. Our intention for them is that they have their deepest desires fulfilled.

We are on a journey. There are lovely blessings along the path. There are also reminders of our own humanness and need for Divine Intervention with our character defects and shadows becoming more and more apparent. The empowerment comes not in the "absence" of these character defects, but in the brave and honest acknowledgment that they still exist within us. From this place, we surrender and invite Divine healing.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Staying Focused on Authentic Living

2011-03-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

In our co-dependency and over responsibility for others, we can tend to get distracted from our own commitments and passions. We are in constant pursuit of outside approval. As a learned behavior, we focus too much on others and put their needs and wants ahead of our own. In the family, religious and educational systems around us, this was reinforced as a "giving and caring" way to be so when we attempt to get our own lives back as a priority, there are many messages of guilt and shame that we confront; sometimes outwardly as well as inwardly.

Seeking to live an empowered, spiritual life of self-care and service takes courage. It is not a small thing that we face our own cosex addiction, codependency, addictive behaviors and risk doing it differently, especially when this goes against the messages we took on to survive from long, long ago. To reflect on our histories, be willing to see our families with honesty and reality and confront these addictive dynamics requires the most immense bravery. Breaking the denial that keeps us locked in shame, risking disapproval on the outside to honor our own knowing on the inside and continuing to create this new way of living is a contribution to all.

Here are some simple tools to stay focused on living an empowered, spiritual life:

1) Embrace your support group and the individuals you know who are on a similar journey. Contradicting the old messages inside and dealing with the outside messages that want to keep us locked in old behaviors can be magnetic. We must keep allies close to us so that we can keep on our own path of self-care, transformation and recovery.

2) Develop a prayer and meditation practice. The more we are able to strengthen our spiritual connection, the more we are able to utilize this resource when things get challenging. A regular spiritual practice and daily meditation creates a powerful foundation for living an authentic and empowered life.

3) Forgive yourself when old patterns of behavior emerge. This is inevitable. Sometimes our very survival depended on these old adapted behaviors. While these behaviors no longer work for us, their strength and pull is tremendous. When we slip into these old dysfunctional dynamics, it is good to notice, forgive and be gentle with ourselves as well as to readjust our focus and behavior. This is part of the journey.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

What is cosex addiction?

2011-03-07T08:39:00.000-08:00

Cosex addiction refers to the addiction one has to those addicted to sex. Addiction in this definition is "the giving of oneself over to a habit" and the habit is an addiction to sex addicts. Both the cosex addict and the sex addict are trying to fill their own emptiness within; one with sex and the other with the relationship.

I find people really like to identify the characteristics of cosex addiction and co-dependency. What is Love Addiction? What is Sex Addiction? The more we understand it all, the more we think we can control it. Understanding has value. I also believe that the solution is the same, some of which requires us to surrender our addictions, seek a spiritual solution and release our attachment to control through understanding.

In 12 step solutions for cosex addiction and sex addiction, the steps are the same. We begin with admitting our powerlessness and unmanageability. We ask for help. Then we connect with our Higher Power of our own understanding, do an personal inventory with vulnerable self-reflection, share with an appropriate person and move on in surrender our character defects.

Lastly in 12 step spirituality, we maintain a fit spiritual condition by staying connected to a Higher Power of our understanding.

I feel joy today to have this relationship with a Higher Power. I can release my obsession over another's behavior, my own circular thinking, my addiction to perfectionism, food and being liked and any other behavior that I "give myself over to" that does not serve my highest good.

Blessings and love to all,

Sally

Receiving Abundance

2011-02-28T06:55:00.000-08:00

In the beginning of our cosex addiction recovery and healing of painful relationship dynamics, survival kicks in. We are struggling with denial, the shock of all the new awarenesses and overwhelmed with learning healthful, more empowering behaviors. Putting one foot in front of the other becomes all that we can do; one day at a time.

As our foundation begins to find a place in recovery, we begin to experience the fruits of our labor. We learn how to identify and ask for what we want and need. We learn how to care well for ourselves and set boundaries that keep us empowered and protected. With our own spiritual connection deepening, we also have tools for dealing with powerlessness and learn to take action when appropriate. Our physical and cognitive energies are no longer wrapped in survival, trying to force outcomes or control circumstances. Our energy increases and we begin to open up to receiving the abundance of choices, healthful connections and resources available to us.

Over time, we learn how to receive the abundant spiritual resources available to us. In our prayer and meditation practice, we consistently release what does not serve and ask for guidance and inspiration so that we will continue to grow along spiritual lines. We maintain a vibrant spiritual condition that allows for the transformation and clarity of any situation that does not serve our highest purpose. Answers for life's challenges and the right actions to take come easily to us. We attract support and partnerships that empower our work in the world and our relationships become a place of joy and authentic connection.

Here are some tips for receiving these abundant spiritual resources consistently:

1. Stay aware of the self-sabotaging behaviors that we use to cope with life. Awareness is the beginning of choice, so stay awake!

2. Be consistent with prayer and meditation to keep a fit and vibrant spiritual condition. Consistency is the key.

3. Maintain partnerships with people that are in recovery and on the path of emotional and spiritual maturity. Having circles where rigorous self-honesty is welcomed and witnessed with gratitude will allow for the power of the old self-sabotaging thoughts and beliefs to be diminished.

Remember there are stages in cosex addiction recovery. At first we have awareness of the addictive dynamics. Then, we learn to take actions to transform the addictive, survival patterns and learn self care. Then we develop consistency in our recovery and spiritual program in order to receive and live in the abundance available.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Recovery and Plants

2011-02-15T01:07:00.000-08:00

We had a freeze in Texas and several plants on my back deck didn't survive. There are some that made it through and others, well, I'm just not sure yet. Time will tell. It was hard to trim some of the dead leaves back and not know it they would survive. One of the beautiful plants had vine like branches and lovely pink flowers on it. It's shriveled and brown now, but I do see a tiny sprig of green near the dirt and hopefully, there is more life that will sprout forth.

During this week of weeding out and cutting back, I was reminded of my own spiritual and emotional growth life. There are times to nourish and enjoy the beauty of my own growth and maturation. There are other times when I must pull some weeds and cut back on the old that needs trimming. The parallel really struck me. Cosex addiction recovery and plant growth are closely linked in the seasons of development.

The first stage of plant growth is the planting of seeds. When we first learn of our own family system and begin to self-reflect on additive and harmful behaviors that we have used to survive, we begin to plants seeds of recovery; a new way to live and learn. These seeds include knowing there are other dynamics in relationships that are more healthful and we begin to utilize them. Developing boundaries, names for our feelings, learning tools for expression and communication, finding support groups that understand are all a part of the seed planting stage. It is a new beginning.

Next, germination takes places and roots begin to develop. For us, these are practices that we put in place consistently that allow for deep roots, regular nourishment and a deeper sense of connection to ourselves, a Higher Power and others.

In the vegetation period, more deepening happens. There is stored up food and the plants begin to mature. For us in recovery, our emotional and spiritual connection continues to be nourished and is no longer new for us; it becomes our way of living life.

There is reproduction with plants next. The sharing of seeds and spreading of life happens during this stage. In our own lives, we share what we have learned in our recovery and begin to bring the light of prayer and meditation and nourishment of community to others.

Dormancy is a time for death to occur and new life to begin. In our relationships, we find that some connections no longer nourish us and others take their place. We also honor our quiet season as well, and allow for the inner workings our of spiritual life to dominate for a time. We learn here to allow our cosex addiction recovery program to really work us. We learn to surrender to the process, trust that all will be well in Divine timing.

Trusting the seasons of our own emotional and spiritual growth helps us to trust the natural rhythms and seasons of life. We honor the cycles of growth in nature and learn to nourish these cycles in ourselves.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Change-bartering for new behaviors....

2011-02-03T07:31:00.001-08:00

Change

Change is not something that comes easily in cosex addiction recovery. We are often carrying ancient patterns of learned behavior from those who have gone before us. It takes time to change these patterns. There are also societal patterns which project messages on to our young people and collective minds which continually put these old beliefs back in the forefront of our minds. With these thoughts, our behaviors remain the same as well, or at least we spring back and forth in doing it the old way, trying the new way, the old way, the new way. It is the way and challenge of change.

Interestingly, the Latin origin of the word change comes from “barter” or to “exchange.” This almost suggests that we cannot change an old behavior if we do not have something to replace or put in its place. This is where the tools of our 12 step program come it.

Support groups including 12 step recovery groups are a necessary exchange for old behaviors that we are ready to let go of. When we begin to see our powerlessness over certain behaviors in ourselves and others, we are able to expand our perspective and find ways to “exchange” these behaviors for new ones. We practice detaching or setting boundaries or focusing on ourselves. Sometimes we replace those old behaviors with pray and meditation, or going to a meeting and seeking support from others in recovery. We may even transfer the focus on ourselves and our own family of origin work which takes the focus off of our partner or children or friend and assists us in seeing our part in the addictive dynamic.

Change takes time but as we replace that old behaviors for new ways of being, we can transform our relationships with our Higher Power, ourselves and others.

Remember, you are not alone.

With love, Sally

Telling our stories....

2011-01-25T07:00:00.000-08:00

One of the things that we are told to do in 12 step circles is to "tell our story." Telling our story breaks the silence and allows us to feel our feelings and heal. In our speaking aloud what happened to us, we are able to be received by the hearts of those who witness our telling. This is similar to other support circles, therapist/patient relationships and even the "witnessing" that happens in some churches when we speak of a spiritual awakening. It is an essential piece for coming into the light and experiencing the freedom of recovery.

I've been asked to tell my story in a particular environment for the purpose of highlighting the power of recovery. It's been a long time since I've done this and I find myself stirred up a bit emotionally. I think this is part of the power in our healing. When we speak aloud what has been challenging or painful in our lives, it becomes real. In its realness, we can see if from a new perspective. Even if we have been working the 12 steps for awhile, each time we tell our story, it allows a deeper healing for us. We learn more about ourselves. Not only do we see the maladaptive behavior patterns that we took on as a result of the co-dependency and addiction in our environment, but we can begin to see new ways to interact with our world. We also see our own progress and how far we have come. We have a choice about our behavior and our relationships with others. We can take the values from our family of origin that resonate with us today and leave what does not. Our journey of emotional and spiritual intelligence is vibrant and fluid.

Telling our stories offers the opportunity for compassion. We see ourselves in one another. We are able to receive their compassion and also see our own stories with compassion for those who did the best they could. We see our own progress when we tell our stories and are able to see how the tools of the 12 steps, meetings, sponsorship and a spiritual program can and will transform our lives.

A friend in recovery has often said, "When I compare myself to others, I always fall short. When I compare myself to myself, I see how far I've come." This is the greatest gift of telling our story.

Blessings to you as you find loving hearts to hold your stories,

Sally

Living in a Time Warp....

2011-01-16T03:09:00.001-08:00

A friend and I recently laughed as we thought about our relationships and the challenges we all face on the journey of emotional and spiritual intelligence. Most especially how it relates to CHANGE. Change not only calls us to choose new behaviors that may be uncomfortable and awkward but we must face and confront the unknown. What will the relationship be like when we change? How might our life change if we stop doing the same things over and over? What if the unknown is not what we want?

There is also difficulty that others have in believing that we really have changed especially those who have been in our lives for a long time: our children, spouses, siblings and old friends. So not only do we sometimes choose to live in a time warp, but others relate to us in our "old selves" and we relate to them this way as well. It's hard to leave that time warp behind and enter the unfamiliarity of present day. There is an expectation that we will react in an old pattern or as we "always have in the past" and others may be resistant to seeing our new behavior changes as well.

We are also learning about brain chemistry and the challenges that there are in developing these new patterns in the brain, letting go of old beliefs and automatic patterns. In our wounding, we learn to adapt to dysfunctional environments and navigate trauma by shutting down and/or reacting automatically to avoid further pain. Our brain patterns get set as well and when there is any similar situation to the one in which we were originally wounded, we react as we did then. It takes great intention to recognize this and adjust to more flexible and effective options. The time warp is comfortable, predictable and easy to fall back into. Here are some tips for dealing with others' or our own tendency toward living in a time warp:

1. Recognize the ease of living in a time warp and the challenge there is in changing reactive behavior. Have patience but be determined to change and allow others to change as well.

2. Stay Calm when someone seems to be resistant to seeing the changes in you. Without defensiveness or anger, explain that you are choosing to do it differently, or just let them be with their own reactions while staying calm and peaceful. They may need time to leave their time warp of old and reactive behaviors and join you in the present time relationship with new and more functional behaviors.

3. Work the 12 steps with someone who is more experienced. As you work the steps and clean out the old family of origin issues, beliefs, feelings and see clearly those adaptive behaviors, you will be free to choose more functional and healthful behaviors. You will learn to recognize the old way of reacting and choose new responses and behaviors in any given situation.

Doing our own family of origin work allows us to move out of old, reactive patterns of behavior. We can leave our time warp where it belongs, in our histories and choose new patterns of behavior in our relationships today based on awareness, current values and spiritual principles. This takes time, but persistence and commitment to the spiritual discipline of the 12 steps will overcome the pull of familiarity and old reactive behaviors.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Women's Oppression and Cosex Addiction....

2011-01-05T05:57:00.000-08:00

I'm reading two books right now. One is entitled, "Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History" and the other is, "Why Women Should Rule the World." It's great fun and both books have historical and well-researched information about gender differences and the oppression of women.

While I am grateful for these non-fiction works, I do feel sad and angry as I read the books. I also feel comforted as I am able to experience being part of a larger tribe, which affirms my knowing deep within that women's oppression exists. My husband is an amazing man: mature and wise, and still there are subtle ways that he speaks or behaves which communicate to me that he doesn't recognize what I recognize around this issue. He doesn't have the same sensitivity in his speaking and how much eye contact there is when men and women are together. In a mixed gender group, he does not notice as readily as I do how much more time we all spend listening to the men speaking than to the women. It's sobering to me as I know he is highly sensitive to these issues. There is a level of awareness that he lacks simply because he is not a woman in our patriarchal culture.

What does this all have to do with cosex addiction? For me, it is a reminder that while my recovery is very personal and I am responsible for my own fit spiritual condition, all of this occurs within a context. The context is our culture and societal wounds. I must remain mindful of this in order to stay in reality about the challenges of finding my power as a recovering cosex addict. I must seek additional support from other women.

I think it is also important to know that we as women carry this internalized oppression and will, albeit unconsciously, act it out with one another. There have been more than a few occasions when I've known women to gossip about me or other women. I've often felt a lack of support for my accomplishments and achievements from other women as well. We are conditioned to see one another as competition. Additionally, we unknowingly take our internalized self-hatred of ourselves as women and project it onto each other. These "shadows" within ourselves are so important to acknowledge. In our awareness, we can begin to transform this internalized oppressive messages of the feminine and confront the dynamic in our society.

Here are some simple tips for honoring the feminine internally and culturally:

1. Become aware of the internalized oppressive messages that you carry. One cannot grow up in our culture without experiencing this and a courageous acknowledgment of these messages is the first step in changing them.

2. Seek support from other women and allow yourself to be witnessed in your pain and anger about the oppression of women and the sexist in our culture.

3. Acknowledge another woman's accomplishments. Even though we are conditioned to feel competitive and jealous of other women, the more we contradict this message and celebrate each other's achievements, the more we can overcome together.

Honesty, communication and a celebration of women with women is the key.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Spiritual Discipline

2010-12-28T07:41:00.000-08:00

As a person recovering from addictive behaviors and thinking, I know that my 12 step program is a spiritual discipline. While I recognize that there is a part of me that continually wants to "arrive" somewhere and be done, but I know this is not the nature of spiritual maturity. When I look at this honestly, I realize that this search for the perfect destination and expectation of "getting there" comes from the unsettled emotional and spiritual energies of my growing up years. I was often dodging rage and not knowing when I might be blamed or criticized. Traumas unresolved and the use of alcohol to deal with painful experiences did not teach maturity and we lacked in an healthy emotional environment. My mind became adept at taking me out of fear or shame with a very elaborate fantasy of my life somewhere else. Today, I often find myself still hoping to arrive at this make-believe destination or fantasizing about something outside of my present circumstances.

Truly, I have great respect and appreciation for my heritage and I recognize the unresolved trauma and survival behaviors that I learned there as well. In my honest assessment of both the good and the unhealed within my own family history, I am able to authentically embrace who I am and who I am not. I am able to honestly embrace my own spiritual and emotional journey as just that....a journey, not a destination. I cease to compare myself to others and instead am able to look at my own emotional and spiritual maturity with myself, acknowledging my own progress over the years of my recovery.

I am able to see what I want and leave the rest in the family system. Taking the gifts and values that resonate within me from my family heritage include: generosity, laughter, community, deep spiritual faith and simplicity. The other values that I choose to embrace within my 12 step and other healing and empowerment work include: rigorous honesty, direct communication, self-reflection, compassion and forgiveness.

All of who I am and continue to learn about myself and my ancestry come from the spiritual discipline of my own prayer and meditation practice. My spiritual condition keeps my emotional challenges in perspective of a greater purpose. I remind myself today that this journey is one of a spiritual progress, not perfection and that it is the pilgrimage itself that comforts and blesses my life.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Honoring our Ancestry.....

2010-12-14T06:37:00.000-08:00

I recently visited my home town, where I was born and grew up. It is a lovely geography and there are many memories of my growing up which include connection, family celebrations and the tightly knitted threads of my heritage. There are many blessings in these community connections, but all the memories are not filled with joy and peace. These memories have their place and purpose as well.

When we intervene on our own additive behaviors and dynamics in relationship with others, our awareness of our lives deepens. We live more consciously. We are emotionally and physically more present in our own bodies and spirits since we are not using substances or other compulsive behaviors to disassociate or mood alter. Learning to hold all of our memories and develop the capacity for honesty about our heritage is essential if we are to mature spiritually and emotionally.

During Holiday times or when visiting our families, it is easy to fall into old patterns of dysfunction and survival that we learned growing up. Being able to bring our recovery and new patterns of behavior into our family of origin relationships and holiday gatherings takes time. As we stay determined in our own maturing, we will emerge victorious and we are able to stay grounded in our own values. Here are some tips for honoring our recovery and our ancestry during significant times:

1) Be gentle with yourself. We will make mistakes and learn to be more integrated in our behaviors over time; especially with family members.

2) Reach out to those who support our recovery and self-awareness. Going to family members who are not on the same path with us can trigger the old loneliness and hopelessness. When there are emotional challenging with family members, reach out to support circles that know your history and can support you in your recovery behaviors and values today.

3) Spend time in prayer and meditation during the Holidays and when visiting family. It seems that our time is most precious with so many other things to do, but it is the most important time to do these simple acts of spiritual connection.

Over time, honoring the gifts of our ancestry while at the same time being in reality about the wounds of our growing up will bring emotional and spiritual maturity. As we live our own values and spiritual connection consistently over time, we will be able to integrate who we choose to be today with where we have come from; fully embracing the gifts of our ancestry.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Humility and Shame

2010-12-01T06:36:00.000-08:00

Early in my cosex addiction recovery I learned about shame; the feeling of worthlessness and that "something was wrong with me." The good news is that I did learn early on that this feeling and sense of myself was in fact "shame." It had a name and I was not alone in these beliefs about myself. Others who grew up in an alcoholic and dysfunctional family system had a similar inner sense of themselves and in 12 step meetings we began to break the secrecy of the painful beliefs we carried inside. We gave it a name, talked about our feelings, our beliefs about ourselves and began to heal.

Over the years, I learned to do a good deal of "shame reduction work" in which I identified incidents in which I was abused or hurt and had taken on the shame of the offender. I learned to have healthful anger about ways that I was treated and develop internal boundaries in which I could protect myself from mistreatment. I also learned to set boundaries with others and became skilled at choosing kinder and more respectful individuals in which to have relationships.

In the early days making a mistake would trigger all those old feelings and beliefs that something was wrong with me and it would time to restore myself to my right thinking. Today it is rare that I feel shame. When I contradict my own values by hurting myself and someone else, I do feel guilt. This is a good indication for me to reflect on my behavior. When this happens, I take immediate action and make amends. If I am not clear about what to do or if an amend is appropriate, I have a rich and full support network to assist me. I reach out. Sometimes the amends I make are to myself or someone else are in the form of changed behavior.

When and if I feel shame today, I can look within and ask my Higher Power for assistance. When I make a mistake, I have the tools to make amends. I am grateful for the choices given me today as a result of working my 12 step program. My personal and spiritual recovery is a journey, not a destination with the guiding principle of .

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Pain as Teacher

2010-11-22T05:56:00.000-08:00

Pain is a mature teacher, if we allow it to be. There is some thinking in the new age belief system which suggests that pain is the result of doing something wrong or perhaps not believing in the ease and joy of life. The thinking suggests that if we live the spiritual life, we will be without struggle, difficulty or pain of any kind. This, however, is not the belief of most spiritual teachers. St. John of the Cross describes the Dark Night of the Soul as part of the spiritual journey. Gautama Buddha, the believed founder of Buddhism, taught that pain is a part of all life. There is, I believe, a distinction between the organic pain associated with the rhythms of living and seasons of birth and death and what we create for ourselves as suffering. Spiritual maturity is not the absence of pain but the embracing of it with awareness and faith in it's wisdom.

When we begin 12 step recovery, we look at our own addictive behaviors. These behaviors may be related to the use of substances or our own thinking and acting out in relationships. As we allay these compulsive thoughts and actions, we begin to feel more deeply our fear, anger, shame and sadness. Addictive behavior comes from the inability to be with our own emotional states such that we medicate and mood alter; sometimes out of habit and sometimes simply because we do not know what else to do with the intensity of feelings inside. Learning to hold our emotions, reach out to others and see the wisdom the feelings are offering us is a mature behavior. When we do this, we begin to allow these feelings to move through us and cleanse our body, spirit and mind. Our pain has a gift for us, whether it is in seeing clearly our own actions that hurt those we love including ourselves, or coming to terms with our own histories and the set-up for cosex addiction in our lives.

Feeling our pain, knowing that our grief has purpose and allowing ourselves the gift of emotional support and connection with others, is the foundation of our recovery. As we begin to develop emotional maturity and intelligence by identifying our emotions, understanding their source and choosing to share our insights with supportive and allies on the journey, our spiritual and emotional intelligence will deepen. Our journey has meaning and as we share our experience with others, our pain has purpose as well.

Blessings on our journey,

Sally

Conscious Contact

2010-11-10T05:49:00.000-08:00

Step eleven of the 12 steps reminds us to maintain a "conscious contact" with our Higher Power and Spiritual Source. Just recently I've come to a deepen understanding of this phrase. One of the definitions of addiction is to give ourselves over to a habit. This habit can be food, drugs, alcohol, control, obsessive fear, shame, shopping, cosex addiction, judging others or any number of mood altering behaviors or thoughts. In giving ourselves over to any habit in this way, we lose consciousness. Losing consciousness can become a habit, an addiction and we also lose our ability to choose new behaviors or thoughts in our comatose state.

Whenever I have engaged in addictive behaviors whether it is eating to mood alter, spending money inappropriately or over-focusing on another person's behaviors, I have lost conscious contact with the moment. If I am not present in the moment, how can I maintain a connection with my Higher Power? Perhaps having a vibrant relationship with a Spiritual Being begins with being awake and present in my own life. Here are some tips for maintaining conscious contact:

1. Breathe deeply. Our breath allows us to be present in the moment and in our consciousness with the moment, we can invite our Higher Power to join us.

2. Notice your own consciousness and lack of consciousness. Begin to pay attention to where your thoughts are in the moment and if you are aware of your body sensations and feelings. The more that we practice awareness in the moment, the more we are able to choose conscious contact with ourselves and our Spiritual Source.

3. When you find yourself drifting in thought out of the present moment, gently pat yourself on the arm or pinch your hand lightly. You will bring your mind, feeling and body sensations together. This will remind you to stay conscious and assist in you noticing how often you are not. It all begins to transform with awareness.

The more work that we do from our own unhealed traumas, the more we are able to be present in our own body, mind and spirit. When we disassociate from the present moment, it is often and because being present in our own bodies is to be present with our own feelings and pain. The more we do our own healing work, the more we are able to embrace our own breath and maintain conscious contact with ourselves, our Higher Power and others.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Sought through Prayer and Meditation....

2010-11-03T05:13:00.000-07:00

Living a spiritual life requires discipline. I hate discipline. I think there is something so attractive and sensuous about living "free" and spontaneously. Discipline cramps my style in so many ways. At least this is what goes on in my mind. I know enough, however, not to spend too much time alone in my mind. While I honor and respect my own intelligence, when it comes to surrendering to a power greater than myself and living a spiritually and emotionally mature life, it is essential that I invite others to assist and open myself to my Higher Power. A regular prayer and meditation practice is a way to do this.

Today I know that miracles happen when I have a foundation of discipline in my life. When I allow myself the gift of regular prayer and meditation, there is order and harmony for me. Synchronicity becomes a way of life. As I take time to breathe deeply and invite my Higher Power into my day, asking for guidance and the courage and willingness to be of service, opportunities present themselves. When I release my concerns and ask for clarity and spiritual solutions, a way is made. Regular prayer and meditation becomes an amazing resource of spiritual tools and response to my requests. It begins with the discipline of a spiritual practice. Here are some tips for developing the discipline of a vibrant prayer and meditation practice:

1. If you find it difficult to sit quietly in prayer and meditation, just set a timer for 5 minutes while you sit still and breathe deeply. Doing this regularly will build up a tolerance for this prayer time and you will find it becomes easier to sit for longer periods of time. Be kind and gentle with yourself as you develop this discipline.

2. Try lighting a candle, burning some incense or taking a small step to create the sacred space for prayer and meditation. This makes a difference. The simple act of lighting a candle can have profound results energetically in connecting with our Higher Power. We begin to embrace this holy ceremony and receive the gifts of the spiritual relationship we are nourishing.

3. Start with where you are and try journaling as part of the practice. For years I found it near impossible to try and meditate. I would attempt to clear my mind and try to 'force' quietness inside my own brain. It became more and more frustrating for me and eventually I stopped trying. Today in my prayer and meditation practice, I begin with journaling. I write exactly what I am feeling and thinking and let the frustration, fear, shame, joy or angry flow out on paper. When I begin with exactly where I am, I can then release this all to my Spirit Guides and Higher Power. This emptying creates openness and receptivity and I can receive from them guidance and reassurance. Rigorous self honesty is the best way for me to surrender to my Divine Source and begin to receive guidance and wisdom for the day.

To live a spiritual life means that we must take time to nourish our spirits and welcome our Higher Power. While the discipline of this make take time, every effort we make will be honored. Ease will come and this spiritual connection will deepen over time.

Blessings,

Sally

Stuffing Feelings or Shutting Down

2010-10-25T06:28:00.000-07:00

When one grows up in an addictive and dysfunctional family system, one of the ways we learn to survive is to "shut down" emotionally. We are not able to connect with or verbalize our feelings whether angry, sad, fearful, joyful or shameful. In an addictive and dysfunctional family system, people are getting hurt. Usually the energy in the family revolves around the primary addict or parents and all the other members of the family do what they can to avoid being hurt, sexually abused, verbally or physically attacked or any number of wounded ways the dis-ease affects members of the family. Parents unknowingly and in their own attempt to survive, abuse and use the children in the family to keep their own emotions shut down and feelings stuffed inside. In first entering the world of cosex addiction recovery, we discover our feelings and begin to see how shut down we have been. We use food, shopping, over focusing on our partners, constant striving for perfection, exercise, volunteerism and co-dependent behaviors to stuff our feelings and avoid our own pain.

With recovery and our commitment to emotional and spiritual maturity, we learn about our own feelings and the wisdom they carry. We find others on the journey who understand the language of emotions and we learn how to feel our feelings, rather than stuffing them or acting them out. We find words for expressing our emotions and this teaches us about joy, healing and connection with others.

Our emotions are the keys to our healing; they are our sensors out in the world. Being sensitive to our environment, our internal self and our interactions with others is what allows us mature choices and connections. What we can feel, we can heal.

While stuffing our emotions and shutting down might have been necessary and even wise tools for us to survive the overt and covert dysfunctional dynamics in our families growing up, we know that today we have more choices. We no longer fear our feelings. Our emotions provide us with the connection to our senses and this is a great gift. We learn to be fully expressed, creative and mature woman on the journey together to emotional and spiritual maturity.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Personal Inventory

2010-10-13T07:26:00.000-07:00

One of the most powerful tools of 12 step spirituality and any other emotional and spiritual maturity work is taking our own personal inventory.

Using self-reflection as a means for seeing our part in challenging situations as well as our part in manifesting great occurrences in our lives teaches us responsibility, personal choice and humility. As we reflect on our part in our relationships with others, our successes and challenges in the work environments and in all areas of our lives, we can see with detached perspective. We begin to see the consequences of our choices and how they affect our lives; in ways we desire and in ways we do not. From this place of maturity, we can begin to choose behaviors that have the outcomes we desire and let go of old, automatic reactions that no longer serve us in our lives.

Here are some guidelines for using A Personal Inventory as a way to manifest in our lives all that we desire:

1. Self-reflection requires a spiritual connection and partnership. Often in our cosex addiction and self-abuse, we reflect and hurt ourselves. We see mistakes we may have made and old behaviors that resurfaced and beat ourselves up for being stupid or doing the same thing again and again. It is essential that as we look inside to see our part, we bring a loving Higher Power with us as well as someone in recovery that we trust. We can look with compassion at our part and forgive ourselves for mistakes made while at the same time, asking our Higher Power for assistance in changing old behaviors and doing things differently. Don't go inside to the bad neighborhood of your own thinking alone. Bring loving and forgiving energy with you.

2. A personal inventory often leads to an amend. Remember, once we see our part in any given situation, an amends to someone else or ourselves may be in order. Make the amends promptly but do seek a loving partnership with this. Even though our intention to make things right may be good, it may hurt someone else to bring up the situation OR we may hurt ourselves or expose ourselves to more hurt.

3. Amends is most profound when it occurs in a change of behavior, especially when we make amends to ourselves. Perhaps the amends is attending more support groups, ending an abusive relationship or getting a massage once a week. Self-care and nourishing activities are often a great amends we can make to ourselves in our lives. This act of self-love also creates a sense of fullness that allows us to give to others more lovingly as well.

4. Practice self-forgiveness. One of the most challenging aspects of my own emotional and spiritual maturity is learning self-forgiveness. We will not do recovery or new behaviors in our lives perfectly. We will have slips, amends to make ongoingly and challenges in letting go of old behaviors. Learn to have the same kindness and patience with yourself that you might have for a small child learning to walk. Making mistakes, continuing to stay on the path of taking personal inventories and loving ourselves with all of our warts and character defects are the most challenging and rewarding aspects of our journey. Practice self-forgiveness and love.

Love and blessings on your journey,

Sally

Ecstasy and Joy

2010-10-06T05:40:00.000-07:00

Early in our cosex addiction recovery it may seem near impossible to experience ecstasy and joy. Disillusionment, anger, a sense of betrayal and shock are our first senses as denial is broken down and reality sets in. As in nature, there are seasons and natural rhythms in our recovery life. As we remain steadfast on the journey of rigorous honesty and healing, we will begin to embrace the joys of our spiritual journey as well as the obvious challenges.

The word, ecstasy actually translates to mean "standing outside oneself." It is the experience of being able to detach from our own self-centeredness, worry, care taking and control to actually having a view of the world around us. We have a new set of eyes as we no longer try to control and manipulate our world out of fear and shame. We learn to "let go" and trust. We develop a sense of self-esteem based on honesty and authentic connections with ourselves, our Higher Power and others.

Ecstasy and joy become a part of our recovery as we learn to integrate the 12 steps into our lives, deepen our connection to a Higher Power from within and begin to develop our own self-esteem. In embracing our addiction and dis-ease, we find ourselves maturing in new ways and our world begins to expand with new possibilities inside and outside of our relationships with others.

Remember, joy cometh in the morning and dawn follows the darkest nights. Trust the journey of descent and know that honest self-reflection and continued responsibility for our own lives will give way to authentic relationships with self, a Higher Power and others.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

RESENTMENTS

2010-09-27T06:21:00.002-07:00

The word "resentment" comes from the word "resent" and loosely translates to meaning feeling deeply, intensive force.The "resent" itself implies resending or to send over and over again. That certainly gives meaning to the word, "resentment" as well.

All in all, we wish to avoid resentments in our lives. To have intensive force of emotion and to feel it again and again implies a distraction or tied up energies. It is not something we wish to create or to have in our lives. Given this information, how do we prevent resentments and keep our energies freed to use in more constructive and intentional ways?

Here are some steps to keeping our emotional systems free of resentments and also handling them when they seem to creep up on us:

1. Pay attention to your emotional selves. Knowing how we are feeling and honoring these feelings allows us the wisdom of our emotions. Some call this Emotional Intelligence; knowing what we are feeling and holding those emotions in order to chooseour actions rather than reacting.

2. Become aware of how we "act out" uncomfortable emotions and learn new ways to express and hold these feelings. Identifying that we are angry is a beginning and important step. Knowing that we feel afraid and finding words to express that feeling is essential. Once we identify how we are feeling and give a name to it, we are much closer to have choice about how to express it in a way that serves us and others in our lives.

3. Once we start to pay attention to how we are feeling, learn to identify and own these emotions, we can learn how to express them in productive and self caring ways. Take a class on learning to communication. Ask a professional for dialogues to use in relationships that keep the focus on self without blaming and attacking. I teach a course on Clean Communication that not only assists us in identifying what is going on inside, how we can communication to someone responsibly, but also gives language and validation for asking directly for what we really want for ourselves. Clear communication is a great tool for Emotional Sobriety and teaches us to connect maturely with ourselves and others in our lives.

4. Lastly, keep practicing clean and responsible expression of our wants and needs to keep from developing resentments that keep us disconnected from ourselves and others. We will not learn overnight how to prevent our resentments and take responsibility for our wants, feelings and needs. But, we can learn how to do this over time.

As we learn to care well for ourselves, our resentments will be minimized. We find the courage to say "no" when we mean "no" and "yes" when we mean "yes." With a high level of self-care, we learn to honor ourselves and give to others from a place of fullness within. Resentments become a thing of the past and are replaced with honest, open communication and connection.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Service and Surrender

2010-08-26T08:57:00.000-07:00

To live a life of service is my intention and desire. In 12 step recovery, service and giving back what has been given us is a value and tenet that we speak of and hopefully, live. It can be challenging to be of service to others when we are living our own addictive behaviors and ego challenges. Our wounds show up in our interactions with others and can be time and energy consuming to deal with on our own.

It is why this is a Spiritual Program and calls us to reach out to a Power greater than ourselves. We define this Higher Power/Spiritual Source in any way that we choose. It is a personal relationship and may or may not include elements of our upbringing or resemble any societal religious tenets.

Here are some steps to keep us on track in our desire to serve and live a spiritual life. It is shared within the belief that what serves other's highest good, serves our own and what serves our highest good, serves others.

1. First-remind yourself daily of your intention and desire to be of service to others and to live a spiritual life. This repeated intention will become a habit in your thinking and in your behaving.

2. Notice when you are consumed and occupied with your own obsessive thoughts, resentments, fears, jealousy and ego wounds. Noticing and embracing this internal dynamic is important. Be kind and gentle with yourself at the moment of this consciousness.

3. Breathe into this knowing and acknowledge your want and need for a Higher Power. Ask your higher power to assist with the pain you are feeling and surrender the thoughts, behaviors and internal dynamic to this power greater than yourself. Accept your own powerlessness over this internal dynamic. Keep breathing.

4. Once your awareness and powerlessness over this dynamic is acknowledged, you are ready to receive the serenity and power that comes from letting go. In letting go and releasing this painful dynamic, you are able to receive the energy of your Higher Power and the peace that comes from releasing the difficulty.

5. Now allow yourself to be fully present in the moment. Ask your Higher Power how you can be of service and go about the business of caring well for yourself and enjoying your day.

I know that these simple steps may not seem so simple or easily accessible in the midst of the internal emotional distress we sometimes carry inside. When we slow down and become present to the internal distress inside, we can begin to intervene on this dynamic and use tools to redirect our energy.

These steps serve as a simple reminder that we do have some tools to assist us in moving through our own challenges. These tools will remind us what we are really committed to and what are values are for living a spiritual life of service and surrender.

Blessings,

Sally

Making Amends

2010-08-09T06:01:00.000-07:00

Making amends, as we learn in our 12 step recovery, is both freeing and challenging. Discernment is called for. Early in my recovery and emotional maturity, I took responsibility for other's behavior, as co-dependents often do, and could not distinguish between what was really my part and what was not. It took time to continually mature in perspective and be able to see myself and my character defects honestly.

Early on, we often feel so much shame when we see our own behavior and make mistakes and we are not able to distinguish between feeling defective as a human being and simple having defects. This carried shame is above and beyond what is really appropriate as we are unable to distinguish between the "shame" we have been carrying for other people's behavior and our own appropriate guilt and healthy shame when we contradict our own values. Healing this shame and the messages that we are inherently defective and bad takes time.

Another pitfall in making amends may be thinking we are responsible for someone else's behavior when we are not. In addition, making "amends" can also be an attempt for us to try and "fix" a relationship or alter uncomfortable feelings. We might just plow through an issue or difficulty with someone because we haven't developed the maturity to allow ourselves to simple be with the discomfort and seek assistance to determine what is actually our part and what is not. Conflict can be uncomfortable and we may have used making amends as a way to eliminate the discomfort we feel. Sometimes just apologizing and doing what we can to repair a connection with someone seems the easiest and quickest way to handle the upset.

Over time, we learn a more mature approach to making amends, to others and ourselves. We seek prayer and meditation as a means of teaching us discernment and self-care. We learn to distinguish between what is our part in any given relationship and what is not, allowing others the dignity of their own responsibility as well. In making amends, we realize what a great gift it is to ourselves as we are able to restore our own integrity by owning our behavior and doing our part to ask forgiveness when appropriate. Whether someone is able to receive our amends or take responsibility for their part or not is their business, not ours.

Authentic amends requires a spiritual perspective and emotional maturity. We learn this in time.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Humbly Asked...

2010-07-16T07:34:00.001-07:00

I am so grateful for the 12 steps of recovery. I use them in my daily life as well as reflect each month on the corresponding step of that month.

The seventh step is "Humbly asked our Higher Power to remove these defects of character." To humbly ask for anything requires that we are "grounded" so to speak as the word has its origins in the Latin "humus" meaning lowly or ground. To be "grounded" or have myself on the ground or earth requires that I see things honestly, in reality with clear perception. As in all of my earthly and spiritual pursuits, this requires that I do my own foundational work. There is a personal prerequisite that I know what my defects of character are. I must honestly embrace these behaviors that do not serve my highest good or align with my values. As I embrace and take responsibility for myself in this way, I am also able to choose and release these character defects or at least "humbly ask for assistance" with them.

I also choose to honor with compassion my defects of character. There is certainty that these behaviors were chosen for a purpose and while they may no longer be in my highest good or serving my current purpose, I can appreciate their origin. It is perhaps, the greatest gift of working the 12 step program for me. Each step allows me to look honestly at who I am and how I became the person that I have become. I learn self honesty and humility as well as forgiveness and self love. In time, through this experience of self-love, self-forgiveness and honesty, I am able to CHOOSE my behaviors and how I wish to interact with myself and others in the world. I can pray for the ability to surrender behaviors that no longer serve myself or others and I can receive the gifts of healing and transformation.

Blessings on your journey of humility and honesty,

Sally

Abundance and Community

2010-06-21T06:33:00.000-07:00

In my prayer and meditation this week, I've had the sense that my Spirit Guides and Soul Partners are gathering as women, representing Sacred Feminine Energy. I am breathing deeply and doing what I can to remain open to their teaching. In our wounded patriarchal culture and conditioning, believing in the Sacred Feminine perspective is challenging. I am required to allow my perspective to be transformed and my way of doing things to take on a whole new form.

Rather than "ranking" and categorizing, I invite embracing and seeing the value of the whole. In the Sacred Feminine Perspective, there is unity of significance in all.

In the patriarchal view, there is winning and losing; right and wrong. In the Sacred Feminine view, all have value. It is so challenging for me to give up the right and wrong and ranking of views.

Today, I work at keeping my focus on myself and trusting all people, places, things, institutions and relationships to a Higher Power. As I keep my focus on self, I pay special attention to any inspirations or intuitions that come to me from my Higher Power that offer care to another. I trust the community of abundant resources available to me on this journey.

Blessings and love,

Sally

Letting go and Embracing....

2010-06-11T07:43:00.000-07:00

Letting go of our old ways of thinking and behaving can be challenging. I think that many of us pray and speak of our desire for growing and learning and moving on, but few actually allow for the releasing of old beliefs to welcome this growth. What is familiar, even when it no longer serves us, is difficult to give up. Venturing into the "unfamiliar" territory of new and different belief systems and behaviors is discombobulating. Here are some practices to assist in releasing the old and welcoming the new:

1. Keep in mind that it will be uncomfortable. Change is uncomfortable so learn to find comfort with this discomfort. It's part of the spiritual journey of transformation.

2. Allow your own grief and fear to be expressed during the transition. Even though "old ways of behaving" are not the behaviors that align with our current values, they were ways we survived. These old behaviors are probably responsible for keeping us alive and helping us to survive in difficulty situations. It is okay to have grief in letting them go. It is also normal and healthy to experience some "fear" as we venture into the unknown of new behaviors. Acknowledging these feelings and allowing them to be as they are, moves them more quickly through our energy systems and leaves space for the new.

3. Seek assistance and support from empowering and understanding sources. We all need communities and individuals that support us in our growth and transformation. On occasion, those closest to us may be "threatened" by our behavior change when we change the "familiar" patterns of relating to them. This is important to notice and to also be able to speak about in the circles that do support our continuing maturation. Support and ongoing community connection with like-minded individuals is essential.

4. A vibrant prayer and meditation practice is also essential in our spiritual journey. Consistency, even if it is 5 minutes of quiet meditation a day, is important in this spiritual journey. As we spend time nourishing our relationship/s with our Spiritual Source, we develop a trusting, wise connectedness that is our foundation for all that we express in the world as we live out our Divine Purpose and Passion.

Blessings in your journey,

Sally

Character Defects.....

2010-06-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

I am always curious about the origin of words. I looked up the word, "defect" and it lead me to the word "fail" which then led me to the word "deceive." When we speak about "character defects" in our 12 step or personal growth work, I can see how a "defect" would be a way to "deceive" either myself or someone else. My character defects are a defense, a way to protect myself and a survival behavior. For me, becoming willing and ready to have my character defects removed can be a momentous and frightening occurrence. My character defects and behaviors are there as a protection, a shield and placed there initially for good reason. Learning to surrender them and welcome another way of being in the world and in relationships with others, is an act of great courage and faith. I want to have compassion for myself during this transition and bring a kind heart and understanding mind.

As I approach an honest awareness of my own character defects, it makes sense that I would need to have a strong and vibrant spiritual connection as well. Letting go of defenses and protective ways of surviving and navigating relationships leaves us open to being hurt, to being vulnerable to the unknowns of human interactions. In order to be willing to release my familiar and comfortable ways of protecting myself, I must be willing to explore unfamiliar and uncomfortable ways being vulnerable to the risk of human connection.

Here are some behaviors and practices for embracing and releasing our character defects:

1. Spend time deepening a spiritual connection with a Higher Power. This relationship will be a great comfort and support as we let go of the familiar ways of being and venture out into the vibrancy of a new way of being. This relationship with a Higher Power will provide the security to risk and do relationships differently.

2. Allow yourself the human experience of making mistakes, of feeling frightened and of moving slowly. Letting go of old behaviors is a courageous act. See it as such. Acknowledge your smallest victories and be forgiving in your set-backs.

3. Share your experiences, your fears, your victories and challenges with others on the journey who are able to meet you with understanding and witness you with great compassion. Trust your intuition around choosing trustworthy people.

4. Trust the process and keep your heart open. Life is full of hurt, especially when we risk new behaviors. Allowing ourselves to step into the unknown and embracing the mystery of life opens to the possibility of miracles and a deeper connection to self and others.

Thank you for your great courage on this journey. Together we can venture into the unknown with great holding and care.

Lovingly, Sally

Embracing the MYSTERY

2010-05-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

Someone that I loved died suddenly this last week. He was a mentor, therapist, colleague and friend. He used to remind me that we were committed to the same thing; healing and transformation.

He was active in many organizations committed to healing and had a vibrant practice in which many people sought his wisdom and assistance. I will miss him on this physical plane and will be grateful for the ways he touched my life and the lives of my family members and friends.

I have a fantasy that I have had to confront. In my mind it goes something like, "if I do all the right things, eat all the right foods, deal with my trauma and do my best to live a life of service, I will live a long and vibrant life." Today, I am not sure this is true. My friend did all of those things and he died very young. I am rethinking this fantasy.

Embracing the Mystery of life and death is part of living a spiritual life. The word, "mystery" comes from "mystic" which speaks about an "initiated person" and "initiated" comes from the word "beginning." Embracing the mystery in life and being a mystic or initiated person is just the beginning really. There is so much we do not know or understand. All that we can do is go within, trust our own spiritual process and surrender to the mystery of it all.

I wish there was another way to live the spiritual life other than having to be shocked by so many uncertainties, but I believe that the way of the mystic is to life this way. In our addictions and challenges, there is mystery and unknowns and our healing from it all depends upon our trust and surrender to it.

Today, I honor the mystery of the spiritual life. I honor the unknowns, the shocks, the comings and goings of great ones in and out of the physical and spiritual realms. Dealing with our addictions, giving up our trauma, old beliefs and behaviors will guide us into an unknown and new way of living. Surrendering to the mystery of it all seems the only option to keep us on the edge, trusting and open.

Blessings to you on this great journey of mystery and new beginnings,

Sally

Secrets keep us sick....

2010-05-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

John Bradshaw was one of the first pioneers in addictive family systems that spoke over and over again about how secrets keep us sick. In the mid eighties, there was more and more information available about dysfunctional family systems and how addiction of any kind creates patterns in a family that keep us all stuck in our trauma and roles of survival.

In 12 step recovery, one of the 12 steps guides us to admit to ourselves, our Higher Power and another human being the nature of our wrongs, but the real juice and gift, is admitting and sharing with someone else. Something very freeing happens deep within our emotional and spiritual self when we finally share a secret and allow another to witness our pain.

This is a gift of Step 5 in which we share with another person something that has been kept secret or hidden. In the light of our honest and humble vulnerability, we open the door for healing and connection with another person. In this connection, our hearts and minds learn a new way to be in relationship with ourselves and others. It is a very profound step in our own healing and emotional maturation.

Here are some guidelines for sharing our secrets:

1. Be intentional and choose someone to share with who has some time in recovery, is a professional that understands addictive family systems or another person who can hold your sharing with sacred kindness and an understanding of the disease of addiction.

2. Have Divinity Circles® of support set up in your life as well as a spiritual practice that you can nourish for yourself. These are groups and individuals that understand emotional healing and are able to witness your journey with detachment and love.

3. Bookending with self-care. Often it can be an emotional drain to break the family or societal code and come out of hiding. Be sure that you have great self-care in place such as massage, exercise, buying a gift for yourself, time in nature, et cetera. Whatever feeds your soul and spirit. This is a way to care for self after a difficult secret breaking session has happened; whether in a professional setting or a 5th step meeting with a sponsor.

4. Be aware that after speaking up about a secret you have been carrying, there may be shame, fear or guilt that emerges. We keep these secrets as a way to survive. Many individuals have been threatened (this happens often with sexual abuse survivors) that if they "tell" they or someone they love will get hurt. Know that fear and shame may arise after breaking the secret and speaking it out loud. Have good support set-up so that you are able to continue to talk about all of this. Eventually it will heal and be an empowering experience, but at first it may be frightening.

5. Remember, it is a spiritual program and a spiritual solution. One of the greatest actions of self-love and self-care is nurturing a spiritual practice. Be bold about this for yourself. It will reap such powerful blessings.

Support from knowledgeable individuals and a spiritual program are essential as we leave behind old patterns of behavior and thinking and begin to bring to the light that which requires healing. Dawn will follow the darkness, as will empowerment, clarity and wisdom.

Blessings and love on your journey,

Sally

Looking at our part....

2010-04-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

One of the foundational principles of 12 step spirituality is the 4th step which directs and guides us to "taking an inventory" of ourselves. In a more common language, we say that this refers to "looking at our part." Any individual who claims to be on a spiritual journey of personal recovery will eventually learn that a characteristic of emotional maturity is to first seek "our part" in any upset or difficulty in our relationships with others.

Looking at what we bring to any relationship difficulty does not mean that we take responsibility for someone else's behavior or see whatever has occurred as our fault. Sometimes, depending on our family of origin wounds and roles, we might come into the relationship with a victim mentality, taking on the reality that we are responsible or somehow "deserve" abusive or the disrespectful behavior of someone else. When dealing with a cosex addiction, this is often the case. Our life has revolved around the "relationship" and we give ourselves up again and again. Cosex addicts can easily become "victims" in their relationships and take responsibility for someone else's poor behavior. Looking closely at the role of victim that we have played in our relationships is an important first step for a cosex addict.

Here are some guidelines when looking at our part in the challenges and upsets in relationships with others:

1. Step back and detach. Breathe deeply and take some time so that you are able to really get a perspective that offers clarity.

2. Seek help from someone who supports you and is outside of the situation. Having an objective third party allows us to see things from different angles that we might not see if we only had our own perspective. Also, be sure to choose someone who is committed to your spiritual and emotional maturity and who will hold you accountable for your part with firm kindness. A sponsor, counselor or another friend in recovery is a good resource for this.

3. Look honestly for patterns. One of the ways we begin to take responsibility for our own healing and maturity is to see the familiar patterns in our relationships with others. Once we are able to own that we are the common denominator in these patterns, we can begin to heal on a deeper level, impacting all of our relationships. Doing family-of-origin work with a therapist or counselor is often a necessary step in seeing these patterns.

4. Seek a Spiritual Solution. Often as we begin to recognize the patterns and dynamics that occur in our relationship with others, we can begin to see our powerlessness and need for assistance. Having a relationship with a Higher Power and a spiritual practice empowers us to seek a spiritual solution to difficulties. Prayer, meditation and nourishing our spiritual connection is an invaluable tool in our healing ourselves and doing what we can to have highly functioning and empowering relationships with others.

5. As we own and take responsibility for our part (not setting good boundaries, unrealistic expectations, control over someone else's behavior and so on) we can learn to make amends through our vulnerability and sharing what we have learned. If the other person is mature and has learned emotional responsibility, they will receive our vulnerability as a gift and own their part. The relationship will deepen and grow.

It takes time to learn discernment when looking at what our part is in our relationships with others. Often we must seek outside assistance to help us detach and see more clearly what are part actually is. Taking responsibility for our behavior and letting the other person be responsible for their own behavior is a worthy goal and takes time to learn. We use the tool of making amends to others when we make mistakes. We also learn to make amends to ourselves through our self-forgiveness, self-love and being our own greatest ally.

Blessings and love,

Sally

Tiger Woods, Sex Addiction and Nurturing the Inner Hero

2010-04-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

I listened to Billy Payne, the chairman of Augusta National and the Masters, on NPR yesterday. He sounded to me like a self-righteous preacher. He has a right to his own opinion of Tiger Woods, of course, and how "he disappointed all of us" but in my opinion, his frustration and anger is misplaced and misdirected. I understand that he has some behaviors that we might have reason to be disappointed about as well including his support of racist and sexist policies at Augusta National over the years.

For those of us in recovery from a substance or behavioral addiction, we know what humility it takes to "admit our dis-ease", seek help and take action for our own healing and maturing emotionally and spiritually. I don't know if Tiger will remain in recovery and continue to walk the walk as he talks the talk, but that isn't the point. Time will tell. His actions, over time, will speak louder than any words he may speak.

In 12 step recovery, we have a saying that goes something like "we all grow up in public" as we publicly admit our mistakes, keep ourselves in support groups that understand and continue to take actions to learn how to live clean and sober lives. I have compassion for Tiger as he has given the phrase "growing up in public" a whole new meaning.

Billy Payne said that Tiger was a hero and "he disappointed all of us and more importantly, our kids and grandkids. Our hero did not live up to the expectations of the role model we saw for our children." While I think that there might be some truth in this statement that many are disappointed, I am mostly concerned with why we are consistently looking outside of ourselves and our own families for heros and heroines? I've written blog topics recently on "disappointment" and how we will always be disappointment by those we love and those we idolize. It is the nature of our human condition. Perhaps a better tact would be to keep our eyes and focus on ourselves and how we can individually become more mature spiritually and emotionally and strive for integrity in all areas of our lives, rather than consistently looking outside of ourselves for magnificence and the ideal image we hold of others.

If we had realistic expectations of others, perhaps we might be able to learn more about compassion and forgiveness. We might also learn that we can really only look to ourselves with realistic expectations of integrity and find comfort with our individual power to choose our own behavior and intentions. We would also realize that the ideal of "perfection" is unattainable and we can only look to a Spiritual Source for perfection and the pursuit thereof.

Furthermore, it is our responsbility as parents, grandparents and adults in general to remind our children that athletes are not gods or goddesses; that they are really simply great athletes. Who they are inside is hard for us to really know. What is important is to see their focus, hard work and passion about their area of expertise as an example of "what's possible" for us in our own lives. How can I look inside and find my own passions and values for what I want to do and be in the world and learn from them in this specific way? Our fathers, mothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, teachers, et cetera are the places in my own family and community that I must find my heros and heroines rather than looking for heros in media, entertainment and sports. More importantly, how about teaching our children honesty, discipline and integrity? What about teaching them how to see focus on their own dreams and passions and model for them how to live according to their own values; becoming their own hero and heroine in life? While we can admire one's acheivements in any specific area, we need to teach our children that real heroism is about who we become from the inside out and how we can hold ourselves consistently to higher standards of goodness and healthful acheivement. We must teach our children to develop their own value system from within and to follow that with integrity and humility and we must model this to the best of our ability for them.

Lastly, I always think that when someone attacks, blames and criticizes another with intensity that is it a ploy for avoiding our own unrealistic expectations of others and an avoidance of looking at our own humanness. Heroism is not about perfection as much as it is about authenticity and fully embracing our humanness. As a shadow work facilitator, we teach and also learn about looking within to see and own our own shadows, especially when we are driven to focus on someone else's "bad behavior."

Again, Tiger may or may not choose to remain in recovery or on this path of humility and continued maturing and growth. Whether he does or does not won't absolve us from our own responsibility to "see the plank in our own eye" before harshly judging another or taking responsiblity for teaching our children to be their own heros and heroines, by learning humility for their mistakes, finding and living their own passions to the best of their ability and taking responsibility for their own self-improvement. Tiger Woods is a great example of what focus, discipline, hard work and intention can achieve in GOLF. He now has a real opportunity to become a role model in life not IN SPITE of his failings and addictions but BECAUSE of them. Sometimes that which seems to be our greatest downfall can become that which we receive the greatest gifts from.

In any case, the experiences of Tiger Woods, his open admission of responsibility and seeking help with his addictive behaviors CAN become for us a role model of honest living and integrity, even though learned the hard way. It can also remind us that our heros and heroines are just a mirror of our own humanness and magnificence. Let's keep it all in perspective and keep our expectations of PERFECTION on a Higher Power.

Lovingly,

Sally

Sex Addiction, Cosex Addiction and Tiger Woods

2010-04-09T08:03:00.000-07:00

If we had realistic expectations of others, perhaps we might be able to learn more about compassion and forgiveness and know that we can really only look to ourselves and our individual power to choose as well as a Spiritual Source perfection and the pursuit thereof.

Furthermore, is it not our responsbility as parents, grandparents and adults in general to remind our children that athletes are not gods or goddesses; that they are really simply great athletes. Who they are inside is hard for us to really know. What is important is to see their focus, hard work and passion about their area of expertise as an example of what's possible" for us in our own lives? How can I look inside and find my own passions and values for what I want to do and be in the world and learn from them in this specific way. Our fathers, mothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, teachers, et cetera are the places in my own family and community that I must find my heros and heroines rather than looking for heros in media, entertainment and sports. More importantly, how about teaching our children honesty, discipline, integrity and learning out to see themselves and how they live according to their own values and becoming their own hero and heroine in life? While we can admire one's acheivements in any specific area, we need to teach our children that real heroism is about who we become from the inside out and how we can hold ourselves consistently to higher standards of goodness and healthful acheivement. We must teach our children to develop their own value system from within and to follow that with integrity and humility.

Again, Tiger may or may not choose to remain in recovery or on this path of humility and continued maturing and growth. Whether he does or not does not absolve us from our own responsibility to "see the plank in our own eye" before harshly judging another or taking responsiblity for teaching our children to be their own heros and heroines, by learning humility for their mistakes, finding and living their own passions to the best of their ability and taking responsibility for their own self-improvement. Tiger Woods is a great example of what focus, discipline, hard work and intention can achieve in GOLF. He now has a real opportunity to become a role model in life not IN SPITE of his failings and addictions but BECAUSE of them. Sometimes that which seems to be our greatest downfall can become that which we receive the greatest gifts from.

In any case, the experiences of Tiger Woods, his open admission of responsibility and seeking help with his addictive behaviors CAN become for us a role model of honest living and integrity, even thought learned the hard way. It can also remind us that our heros and heroines and just a mirror of our own humanness and magnificence. Let's keep in all in perspective and keep our expectations of PERFECTION on a Higher Power.

Lovingly,

Sally

Embracing Disappointment and a Spiritual Perspective

2010-03-23T06:31:00.001-07:00

Embracing Disappointment, adopting a Spiritual Perspective and Acceptance

Many years ago when my daughter was just a toddler, she was crawling and moving and grabbing everything. She kept wanting to hold things that were dangerous and would cry as I redirected her attention. Her father continued to hand her toys and stuffed animals in a frantic attempt to distract her from her focus. If she began to cry in frustration or disappointment, his frantic attempts would increase. I finally told him to allow her the experience of disappointment. It was a part of life and she would be fine. He stepped back and she was once again redirected away from inappropriate items. This time she wasn't given anything to distract her. At first she cried and fussed and after a few minutes, she stopped, crawled over to her toys and began to play and laugh again. She had moved on rather quickly. It became a metaphor in life for me. Disappointment is a part of life and I am disappointed by those I love regularly.

When someone's behavior does not meet my expectations, I feel disappointed. In my cosex addiction, I want to "convince" them of another way or try to "understand" their rationale. Often I obsess about the situation and think about how I might have handled it differently. I experience disappointment in myself too. It has been a great relief in knowing that those I love will, in fact, disappoint me. I know I will also disappoint myself at times. Whenever this happens, I have learned to try and increase my perspective to see from a wider angle. In this wider perspective, I can see that my disappointment in someone is not all of who they are. Perhaps in this situation, I can see their hurt and fear. Rather than ending a relationship or trying frantically to get them to see my point of view, I am able to accept that they are who they are, human with faults and blind spots. I know that they've probably done their very best as I also do in all situations. In experiencing the humanness and inevitable disappointment of those closest to me as well as in myself, I am able to redirect my own energy and attention to a Spiritual Source. This is a place where I am able to hold my expectations high and learn about emotional and spiritual maturity. In my Spiritual Journey, I can find meaning and purpose in all that happens, whether joyful or disappointing. I learn to surrender my own expectations of myself and others and keep my focus on my spiritual learning and my own emotional maturity. In doing this, I embrace compassion, forgiveness and acceptance; for myself and those I love most in the world. Learning to love myself when my own behavior is disappointing has been a great and challenging endeavor. It's easy to love myself when I have done something wonderful or achieved a goal. It is easy to love colleagues, friends and family members when they are supportive and kind. The great gift is to allow myself and those I care most about to be human and disappointing at times without withdrawing my love and care. This is how I learn compassion and acceptance.

To love imperfection and accept disappointment is a most maturing spiritual challenge. As I work my program around my own addictive behavior and thinking, I learn that disappointment can be a path for embracing Divine Purpose. Embracing disappointment allows for a redirecting of my focus and offers the opportunity to embrace forgiveness and compassion for all.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Embracing Powerlessness and Unlimited Possibilities....

2010-03-08T05:49:00.000-08:00

Cosex Addiction, like all addictions, eats away at our self-esteem and ability to care for ourselves in loving and responsible ways. In any addictive behavior, our energy is tied into how to fill "the emptiness within" regardless of whether we use a substance or over focus on someone else's behavior. The automatic patterns of behaving that we learned by default to survive our family systems and dysfunctional societal conditioning become a way of living. We are tied to cycles of drama and try as we might to break free, it is only possible when we accept our powerlessness over our own behavior and that of others and then connect with a Higher Power who can assist.

In admitting powerlessness over these painful dynamics in ourselves and our relationships, we surrender to another possibility for life. In this new possibility, we embrace a Spiritual Power greater than ourselves and begin to experience hope. Our world begins to open up and we see with new eyes, hear with new ears and begin to welcome the synchronicity of the journey to emotional and spiritual maturity. We begin to have choice over our behavior and learn to use our own energy wisely.

The journey into recovery encourages our descent into honest reflection of who we are and who we are not. We begin to take responsibility for our own choices and feel the grief of authentic losses in our life. Caring for ourselves becomes a way of life and a priority. From this fullness of self-esteem and self-love, we are able to give to others with discernment and care. Our energy is freed to pursue our own dreams rather than chasing unavailable relationships and our creativity finds expression in the world.

It is one of the many paradoxes of 12 step recovery that when we fully embrace our powerlessness, we are able to fully receive our own power. We are able to see our choices more clearly, our energy is ours to use as we desire and we are aware of the workings of our Higher Power to assist us on the path.

Powerlessness leads to Possibilities beyond our imaging.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Tiger Woods, a Power Greater.....

2010-02-23T01:33:00.000-08:00

Tiger Woods has been in the media for several months. This week I watched him speak to a roomful of friends, family and probably foes. He admitted his sexual acting out was wrong and took full responsibility for his behavior. He said that he felt as though he "could get away with anything that he wanted to" and even his mother stated, "he never said that he was God."

Personally, I am inspired by his courage and willingness to admit that he needs help. It is a good day when humility wins over arrogance and we are able to see our fallibility as human beings. We all have a need for a spiritual connection of a Power Greater than ourselves to rely upon and keep us grounded. As Tiger stated, he has much more to learn and his amends will come over time in his behavior, not his words.

This is true for all of us. Whatever our station in life, we all have wounds, shadows, behaviors that we are not proud to have. We must keep ourselves grounded in our need and want for a "Power Greater than ourselves."

In 12 step spirituality, this is our second step. It states that we "came to believe in a Power greater than ourselves that could restore us to sanity." The word "sanity" actually comes from the Latin sanitas meaning health. Being restored to health in all ways: spiritually, physically, emotionally, intellectually, ethically and socially is good. It is an even better thing to remember that this occurs within a relationship with our Higher Power. This Higher Power can be anything or anyone as the key is "greater than ourselves."

Humility allows us to continually realize that we need this power greater than ourselves. Whatever our accomplishments and achievements professional, socially, financially or personally, there is a grounding in remembering we are still in need of this Power, with a capital "P". There are boundaries all of us must respect and there are consequences for each of us, no matter what brilliance, talent or stature we may possess.

Tiger has admitted his imperfections, his arrogance and his need for assistance. This is both wise and courageous.

The second step which reminds us that we have come to believe in a Power greater than ourselves is a reminder for us all.

Blessings and love,

Sally

Completion and Endings....

2010-02-17T02:27:00.000-08:00

My Nigerian friends are teaching me so much about saying "good-bye." We are leaving our home after four years here in West Africa. We are telling our staff, gardeners, security people, vendors, my friends at the marketplace, drivers and stewardess throughout the camp. When we tell them we are leaving, they hang their heads and their eyes fill with tears. They will then tell us their first memory of meeting us and why we are so special to them. They tell us how much they will miss us and freely express their sadness. It is quite moving. There is no denial, defensiveness, smiling over the reality of it, or pretending that we will see each other again. They are genuinely aware of the implication, the loss and their sadness for our ending time together.

Loss and completion are hard for most. We have learned to "shut down" our feelings, often to survive alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family and societal systems. To survive trauma, however minimal or extensive, we must protect our emotional selves and not feel the events in our lives that are painful.

Recovery is about recovering our emotional and spiritual selves. In recovery, we learn how to authentically feel our feelings, be emotional present to the events in our lives and embrace endings and completions. It is only in fully embracing our endings that we are able to fully embrace new beginnings. Endings are inevitable. Relationships come and go, children graduate, jobs change and people we love pass on from this life. Learning to be fully present for all the losses, endings and completions keeps us fully present in all of our lives.

Here are some guidelines for holding completions and endings with honor:

1) Breathe deeply and choose to be conscious and intentional about how you will hold and embrace the endings and completions in your life.

2) Be willing to share the love and appreciation you have had for someone. Express your feelings directly to them or with others you trust if this is the only way. Being witnessed and heard makes all the difference for our being able to stay present throughout the transition, whatever it is.

3) Let yourself feel the sadness and experience the loss. In releasing this, your energy is freed and your senses alive. This cleansing allows for the experiences of joy, celebration and gratitude as well.

4) Create a ceremony or circle in which you express directly what someone has meant to you. This allows for the completion to be experienced with conscious intent.

In our fully experiencing the completions and endings in our lives, we make room for beginnings and new connections.

With love,

Sally

Welcoming, Releasing and Ongoing Discipline.....

2010-02-06T23:24:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, a mentor answered a very important question that kept coming to me. She was guiding me in doing some very powerful, yet painful family of-origin work and I was looking at some losses that led to my addictive behaviors; both with food, my co-dependency and co-sex addiction. I asked her one day, "Remind me why I am doing this work again?"

"There is a beginning, middle and end to the work, " she said. "And at the end, you will have more of yourself, your senses and your ability to choose relationships that serve and honor you."

In essence, I've learned that to fully experience the joy and blessings of life, I must be willing to experience the loss and pain of life as well. When I shut myself off from the painful emotions I carry inside, I shut down joyful experiences as well. When I fully honor my senses, all of them, life is fuller and I am more present to experience it all.

The first step in healing, empowerment and manifesting our soul's purpose and heart's desire is the intention to do so. We must desire and want to heal. There is an incentive for doing the work and we take the initial step of acknowledging our need for assistance and willingness to receive it.

The second step in this process seems to be the willingness to walk through our pain, loss, grief and ways in which we are wounded. There is something very engaging and compelling about seeing clearly and holding with honor, ways that we were hurt. In doing so we can see the dis-empowering beliefs related to the painful dynamics we carry. As we visit the hurt and dis-empowering beliefs, we begin to untangle these twisted dynamics and see that there is another way, a way that serves the highest outcome for the highest good. The reframing of these wounded dynamics can begin and we develop our own set of values, beliefs and behaviors that serve our highest good and what it is we are most committed to in our lives.

The third step involves the ongoing discipline of sustaining and supportive circles and partnerships. This may include professional counseling, coaches or mentors as well as 12 step support groups or other gatherings for emotional and spiritual maturity. We attend weekend workshops and keep ourselves challenged in our continued growth and maturity. Prayer and meditation practice/s are essential here as they keep us connected to the spiritual solution that underlies all healing, growth and transformation.

Welcoming the intention for healing, courageously embracing and releasing our wounds, and the ongoing discipline of our own empowerment and recovery work create emotional and spiritual intelligence. While there is a beginning, middle and end to this process, the ongoing discipline of support and empowerment partnerships in our lives creates the foundation for manifesting our dreams and living our life purpose.

Blessings of your journey,

Sally

Self-Esteem and Spirituality

2010-01-26T05:10:00.000-08:00

In my daily prayer and meditation practice, I receive comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Often my Higher Power and Spiritual Guides tell me over and over again that they are with me and that whatever I am called to walk through, I need not walk through it, alone.

In 12 step recovery, we learn to live a spiritual program. Whatever the addiction that we are dealing with, we learn it's not about the money or the relationship or the food or the alcohol or the sex. It is a spiritual program and requires a spiritual solution.

Here are just a few ways to build our spiritual resources and deepen our own spiritual intelligence:

1) Honor what comforts and nourishes you. Some of us need quiet time to be filled up. Some of us are filled up in our connection and interactions with others friends in program or with similar spiritual practices and beliefs. It is necessary for us to pay attention to what fulfills us and nourishes our spirits and then to welcome these practices regularly.

2) Develop a daily ceremony symbolizing your spiritual program. This might be taking 5 minutes to breathe deeply and connect with ourselves. Perhaps the ceremony might be reading spiritual material or a daily meditation. It could simply be lighting a candle or burning some sage.

3) One of the greatest practices for enhancing our spiritual program is bold self-care. When we take good care of our bodies, our emotional selves, our social and intellectual selves, we build a trust and love within. Our self esteem will begin to flourish and deepen and grow. This is important as it will enhance our spiritual connection. When we love ourselves with regular self-care and begin to believe that we deserve these loving actions regularly, we increase our capacity to receive. Our Higher Power and the Divine Creator can only bless and give to us what we allow ourselves to receive. Enhancing our capacity to receive abundance through increasing our self-esteem and our belief that we really deserve the blessings mean we will receive more. What we receive, we are then able to give to others as well.

These are just a few examples of how to deepen and enhance our spiritual connection. It is good to honor our individual expression of spirituality. Developing a regular discipline of allowing ourselves this blessing enhances everyone whose life we touch.

With love,

Sally

Doing it differently

2010-01-12T06:52:00.000-08:00

One of the things that makes changing our behavior so challenging is that we get used to things a certain way, even our misery. It's predictable. We can count on it. As adults who bring with them some dysfunctional behavior from addictive family systems, predictability and knowing what we can count on does, in and of itself, create stability. So, taking the risk of "doing it differently" with our behavior, the only behavior we can really change, takes courage. It also requires that we willingly step into the unknown and trust the process of our recovery and trust our Higher Power.

Our recovery and healing is, as we say, a spiritual program requiring spiritual discipline, so this is in keeping with our commitments for emotional maturity.

Here are a couple of reminders as we venture into the unknown of changing our behavior:

1. Keep in mind that we can only control ourselves, our choices and our behavior. Whatever we may or may not do, it may or may not evoke or inspire change in our partners or other relationships.

2. Support is an important cog in the recovery and healing commitment that we have. Check in with someone and get another mature person's detached perspective before making this change in behavior. Follow up with them and check in after the behavior has taken place. How did it go? What were your feelings? How did you take care of yourself? This is called bookending and it a great practice when taking difficult actions or practicing new behaviors.

3. Pray. Re-member that this is a spiritual program and a spiritual process. Taking the action and letting go of the result is a good practice. Ask your Higher Power/Spiritual Source to guide you and continue to pray for the highest good to come out of the action you have taken, both for yourself and anyone else involved.

4. Be willing to be uncomfortable. Change is uncomfortable. Leaving the familiar dynamics/reactivity we carry within ourselves and that we create with others is uncomfortable. Even when we are not getting the results we want from our behavior, trying new behavior is uncomfortable. And often, it is scary for the people in our lives as well, so be willing to be uncomfortable when and if others resist our new behaviors.

New habits take time. Recovery takes time. Re-creating our family tree takes time. Learning new behaviors take time as well.

Be kind. Be patient. Have compassion and understanding for yourself and remember to forgive when you revert to the old ways of doing it.

Love and blessings,

Sally

Making Manifest through Bold Self-Care

2010-01-04T06:44:00.000-08:00

My maternal grandmother was born in Italy on the 6th of January; the feast of the Epiphany. This is a holy day in which Jesus Christ was made manifest and visited by The Three Kings. It is a time that celebrates God made manifest in this human being, Jesus.

While I am not active in the Catholic Church today, I have deep appreciation for the connection and resonance of ritual, ceremony and an honoring of the ancient that I learned growing up in the Church. On this coming feast day, I honor my ancestors, especially my grandmother, my Nona. More symbolically, I reflect upon and honor the ways in which I am called to make manifest the Divine in my world. How can I more purposefully make a difference in the lives of others? Where am I called to share my gifts and express my soul's purpose to be of service?

As the new year begins, it is a good time for me to recommit to practices that nourish and comfort me. Bold self-care has been a theme in the past year and this year it will remain a priority. As I nourish and care for self first, I am filled from within able to give more authentically to others. As I honor my passions and what inspires and enlivens my spirit, I honor the Divine's whispering to me. This is the most profound path for making a difference in the world. We must begin by honoring our passions from within and tending to our own spiritual practices and divine connections. From this place, we make manifest the Divine in our world and in our relationships with others.

I really believe this. As we follow the energy that honors us, blesses us, inspires us and calls forth our passions from deep within, we are honoring the Divine and our unique calling in the world.

As the New Year unfolds, I invite and encourage a commitment from all that we honor and nourish and care for ourselves above all us. As we do, we can trust that we give to others from fullness and out of an authentic care and love. When we connect with our passions from within, we also find our purpose and divine destiny.

May the year be filled with great self-love, forgiveness for the ways we fall short of our own expectations and the courage to honor that which inspires us from deep within as we make manifest the Divine in our own lives and the lives of others.

Blessings in the coming year,

Sally

Carrying the Message to Others....

2009-12-16T05:39:00.000-08:00

All religions and spiritual practices, including the 12-step program invite us to share what we have learned with others. We are encouraged to give to those less fortunate and to share our treasure with others. This is important. It keeps the cycle of life vibrant and reminds us of our connection to one another. For me, it can also be a little tricky because I have a tendency to think of others first. While I would like to claim this as generosity of spirit and heart, it is really a default position that I must develop consciousness and awareness around. It is not coming from an empowered position, it is an automatic survival behavior for me and often a way to avoid looking at myself.

I also suspect, that especially for women, this is difficult to detect and own as an automatic, and sometimes manipulative behavior. We have learned in our culture that giving to others and putting them first has earned us a certain status and approval. Women gets lots of kudos for care-giving, volunteering and charitable contributions. To intervene on this behavior and take responsibility for the part of us that gave to others to try and fill our own emptiness, takes great courage and a willingness to mature in ways that feel uncomfortable and quite lonely at times. We must be courageous enough to look beyond the surface expression of our own behaviors and see the deeper meaning of our actions.

I believe that carrying the message to others is most potent when I am willing to live an authentic life, not just talk about it. More than anything, this means being willing to see below the surface of my own judgments, blaming and motivations. Rigorous self honesty is our greatest expression of charitable behavior and the most powerful action for carrying the message to others.

Lovingly, Sally

Finding Our Voice

2009-12-01T15:12:00.000-08:00

One of the great gifts of recovery and transformational work, as well as one of the great challenges to this internal work, is finding our voice. It is a gift for us because it is through our voice we learn to speak what we want, don't want, what are values are and how to care for ourselves in our relationships with others.

Finding our voice is a challenge as well because as we learn to speak what we want, don't want, what are values are and how to care for ourselves in our relationships with others, there will be change. Finding and speaking our voice will have an impact on our lives and interactions with others.

When we finally connect with our deepest desires and learn about our needs and passions, we have no more excuses for keeping ourselves "victim" in our own lives. As someone with a voice, we have responsibility for expressing ourselves, setting boundaries and taking a stand for what matters to us. As we mature in our own empowered state and attract relationships and communities that support our increased self-esteem and clarity, change will happen. It will manifest in how we care for our spiritual bodies and our physical bodies. Friendships will naturally deepen with those on a similar path and other friendships might end or shift to accommodate a more one-sided maturity and growth. We also learn more about ourselves and our reasons for keeping ourselves small and quiet. With this information we are able to take aware risks of leaping into the unknown by changing our familiar ways of behaving.

As is the case in many significant changes we experience, there exists both a blessing and a curse. Being able to see both perspectives creates increasing maturity both emotionally and spiritually. Exploring the gift as well as the challenge allows us to handle both with balance, consciousness, clarity and wisdom.

Blessings to you on your journey of finding your voice.

Sally

Reconciliation

2009-11-23T08:45:00.000-08:00

Reconciliation comes from the Latin root meaning back and bringing together. Bringing back together is the original meaning of the word. Today, the meaning speaks to me and I feel moved and inspired.

My work with myself and others is about emotional maturity and spiritual empowerment. I believe that we all have within us an untapped potential of profound spiritual power and resources. Each and every day begins with meditation and prayer and throughout the day I return to this meditative place inside of myself, whether writing, exercising or attending to the affairs of my family. Even within the context of this priority of spiritual living, I am confronted regularly with my own ego, emotional immaturity and self-seeking ways. It keep me busy in my own pursuit of maturity but more importantly, it keeps me humble.

In studying mystics and spiritual sojourners, I have found that each and every one of them confront their own ego and have their own self-will that requires Spiritual attention. We all have ways to overcome. Some have physical ailments, others societal and family obstacles and others the dark nights of the soul and descent into emotional and soulful despair. It is said that misery loves company and in this instance, I must admit this is true for me. Perhaps this is why I resist welcoming reconciliation into my life.

I resist forgiving others and often I find self-righteousness energizing. It's embarrassing to speak that aloud as I mentor and teach about emotional intelligence and spiritual maturity, but it is one of my own shadows.

I have a belief that if I do not recall and continue to remember how I have been "wronged" by another, I leave myself vulnerable to being hurt again. Therefore, forgiving someone and bringing back together my heart with someone who has hurt me seems like putting myself at risk for being hurt again.

The wisdom of the 12 step program originating with Alcoholics Anonymous teaches us that resentment is our number one enemy. Today, I choose to trust the wisdom of this spiritual program and let go of my own self-will and beliefs that keep me frightened and justified. I choose to be responsible to care well for myself and at the same time, I welcome forgiveness and the sacred gift of reconciliation.

I believe that our most profound healing and transformation begins with an intention and a speaking aloud of this intention. So in this moment, I choose to speak aloud my intention for reconciliation. I choose to believe in the power of forgiveness. I also choose to bring back together my heart with those that I have loved and felt hurt or betrayed by. I believe this will unite my spirit and soul with their spirit and soul. Today, I choose to believe that forgiveness and reconciliation is an act of self-love and a blessing for the whole.

While it remains a bit scary, I believe it an important statement and intention to have. I trust that in surrendering my own fear around being hurt, that I will be able to embrace more emotional and spiritual maturity. We teach what we need to learn and today I am student as well as humble teacher.

My invitation to you is to look within to see where are your resentments and where might you resist forgiveness and reconciliation in your own life.

Blessings to you on your journey,

Sally

Detachment versus Confrontation

2009-11-10T01:48:00.000-08:00

It's difficulty to know when to let go and when to confront an issue in our relationships with others. Our dog will hold tightly to a bone and is ready for attack with certain dogs. But he also has an instinct to submit and lower himself to the ground, showing his surrender when another dog approaches. I am not sure what his internal mechanisms for deciding when to confront or submit actually are. From the outside, there is really no logic as he will lower himself for a small dog and go into attack mode with a dog twice his size. I wonder if this is simply instinct or if it is ruled by his mood. (Do dogs have moods?)

Personally, when I am considering confronting an issue in any personal or professional relationship that I have, it takes me some time to go within and utilize my own internal resources and instincts. Will the confrontation further the relationship or is it likely to bring harm? How important and intimate a relationship is it? Have I attempted to confront the issue previously without satisfying results? Is acceptance the next step for me to take or is the issue dramatically affecting the health of the relationship? Perhaps letting the relationship go is my next step to take?

The first thing that I know to do when I don't know what to do is to pray. My prayer and meditation practice is a five day a week discipline and when discernment is called for, prayer is the action.

The second thing I consider is the significance of the relationship in my life. The closer the connection, the more important it is to keep communication open and honest. It's a risk to do this, of course, because not every one has the capacity for closeness or is willing to be responsible for their part in relationships. We must learn to deepen our capacity for authentic relationships and then deepen our capacity for discernment in honoring our relationships.

Many of us have hurts and defensives that protects us and so open and direct communication can be threatening. But this, too, is good information. We learn who we can count on for honesty and who we can not. We learn to trust our own instincts around when to confront and when to submit and surrender in detachment. We learn who has the capacity and desire for an authentic relationship and is willing to be responsible for their part in our connections and who can only blame, defend and criticize.

Lastly, trust is necessary. I've learned that I must trust a Power Greater than myself when it comes to my relationships with others. I must learn to trust myself and embrace my own instincts and intuition as important guidance. I must also trust that when I choose to accept the limitations of myself or another in our relationship there will be peace for me. My deep desire for connection, authentic communication and emotional maturity will be met, perhaps in other ways and with other individuals. The universe is one of abundance, not lack.

Blessings,

Sally

Shame versus Empowerment

2009-11-03T04:58:00.000-08:00

Thanks to John Bradshaw's groundbreaking achievements in understanding shame and his best selling book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You" we've learned a good deal about how to identify the emotion of shame and what causes its appearance in our lives. In our book, "Relationships from Addiction to Authenticity" we discuss the necessity of women moving from shame to empowerment in order to break the bonds of victimization, in any area of their lives.

We believe the first step in doing this requires that we identify the emotion of shame and how we as women have been carrying the shame of our offenders. (We discuss this fascinating dynamic of BIG Victim/Little Offender and BIG Offender/Little Victim in Chapter 3). Once we are able to look honesty at our histories and set-up for this dynamic, we can begin to see with clear eyes how we continue to carry the shame of others in their offensive behavior.

After this honest reflection on the set-up and the humility to see our current behavior, we choose to intervene on our own behalf. We seek support groups, professional assistance in understanding the dynamic, spiritual connections and individuals who are able to encourage us in our own commitment to change our behavior. Changing our reactions and automatic behaviors will TAKE TIME, but as we seek the appropriate support and remain steadfast in our commitment, we will begin to change our behavior and learn boundaries and self-care.

One of the most important aspects of this intervention and change in our behavior around carrying others' shame is having healthy anger. There is very little encouragement for women in our culture to be angry and to use this strength as empowerment. Anger's gift is strength. When we deny our anger, it becomes a resentment and often is acted out on ourselves and others. It is a misuse of this emotion. We must eat, shop, caretake, judge, blame, gossip, compulsively clean, etc., to keep the emotion of anger at bay. This must be unlearned and then anger must be embraced. Anger offers the gift of strength and understanding that our boundaries or someone elses' are being violated and action is called for.

As women, one of the greatest and most potent interventions on our own co-sex addiction and any other way we are allowing ourselves to be victimized is through embracing our ANGER. When we use our anger with intention, care and wisdom, it becomes a force for good. We begin to trust our intuition, know that this emotion is providing us important information and begin to set the boundaries that are called for in our lives. Healthy anger also points us in the direction of having the communications we need to have with others and take action for self-care and self-love. This honesty with ourselves and intentional use of the energy that anger provides us creates authentic connections with others. We can not have authentic connections with ourselves or others without the ability to feel and access healthy anger.

While it may go against many if not all of the conditioning in families, churches, educational institutions and social mores that we've learned, it is a good and necessary practice that we begin to invite healthy anger into our spiritual and psychological toolbox. As we do and use it with wisdom and discernment, our relationships with self and others begin to deepen into authentic connections that inspire and empower mutually.

So with support, practice and consistency, we can begin to embrace and honor our anger. We say, "anger is my friend" and we repeat as needed.

With love,

Sally

Heritage and Community.....

2009-10-16T01:40:00.000-07:00

I believe in the power of love, connection and heritage. I have spent many years looking at my family of origin issues and taking what I've liked and leaving the rest in terms of behaviors that were modeled in this system. It was an important stage of my own emotional maturation in which I looked at the dynamics in my family and the role that I played in this large system. It has been disturbing in some ways to have to come to an authentic reality regarding the dynamics in my family. I have looked at members of my family set up as heros, scapegoats, abusers and come to see honestly the roles that I have played as a way for the system to survive.

In my own commitment to emotional and spiritual maturity, I then have to view what has been accepted in the system with some skepticism and willingness to see from other perspectives. In grieving what were simply ways to survive in my family and seeing more honestly the wounds and dysfunctional dynamics of the system, I was able to view from the perspective of authentic understanding and compassion.

Today, I love my family heritage and can see many shadows, wounds and dysfunctions clearly. This allows for me to also see the gifts of my relations and how I take this inheritance into the world and bless others. One of the gifts of my large Italian family, is the ability to create community and connection. Our home was always open to family and friends. We had pizzelle and biscotti ready to share. There were many conversations at my mother's kitchen table that I remember witnessing as a young child and participating in as a young woman.

Our family gathered every Sunday to share a meal and on birthdays, graduations, weddings and funerals. We danced and ate until we were tired and full. I have learned how to enjoy the company of many different people and to share the joy of events in a celebratory spirit. I always had a sense of belonging and connection and have created community wherever I have been.

While I have created connections with others from some ways I learned in my family that do not work, I have also learned that a generous and open heart is a gift that I have and share easily. This is something I learned from my family. I have also found myself as the central spoke of many connections over the years and brought several individuals together so that they were able to create their own connections.

I believe that I have not been fully able to appreciate the gifts of my heritage without fully acknowledging its imperfections. In honestly seeing the painful dynamics passed through my own generations of survivors, I have been able to accept and forgive. In my acceptance and forgiveness, I've been able to also see honestly the unique gifts of my culture and heritage and can bless others well these gifts.

Authentic reality, seeing our histories clearly and grieving the fantasies we have attached to it, allows for authentic gratitude for the gifts given in our heritage and unique family systems.

May we all find the courage to see the painful dynamics in our families with honesty and compassion. Only in this way, can we take the gifts from our families and bless ourselves and others.

Sally

Authentic compassion, love and forgiveness.....

2009-10-10T01:22:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest gifts of co-sex addiction recovery, or any authentic self-healing and empowerment journey, is learning self-love and compassion. In 12 step recovery, we begin to identify old addictive behaviors and learn new, boundaried behaviors with ourselves and others.

There will be setbacks and mistakes that we make along the way. Step 10 allows for us to acknowledge our errors and hurtful behaviors and to make amends to ourselves and others. Often, we make the same mistakes again and again as we learn our wounds take time to fully identify, embrace and heal.

In our courageous journey to emotional and spiritual maturity, we walk through our own shame, fear and perfectionism over and over again. In this learning, we are able to distinguish that while we make mistakes, we are NOT a mistake. There is a deepened understanding of humility and our own self-acceptance, with all of our warts, defects, shadows, etc., and we are able to receive mercy and acceptance from our Divine Source and from ourselves.

This deep level of self-love, self-forgiveness, self-compassion allows for a deep reserve of compassion, forgiveness and love that we are able to give to others as we have come to know and feel it in our own cells.

So, today....I celebrate my mistakes, my imperfections and my own shadows. As I seek the showering of compassion and forgiveness for my own imperfections, I learn how to provide this care to others. The awareness of these characteristics within myself and the experience of self-love, acceptance and forgiveness will allow me to give from the most authentic pool of compassion and forgiveness to others. I give this with authentic humility and joy.

With love,

Sally

Discipline

2009-10-01T04:21:00.000-07:00

I hate being disciplined. In my fantasy of what it means to be guided in the spiritual life, to be an artist, a creator, "one who goes with the flow" living a disciplined life seems boring and rigid. There is also some fantasy about being "free" which means that there are no constraints on my self-expression and no structure in my day. In this fantasy way of thinking, discipline impedes this free expression. I wonder how to honor this organic style of expression and still keep harmony and order alive and well in my personal and professional life?

The word "discipline" comes from Old Latin meaning to learn and knowledge. In its origin of meaning, it does not imply rigidity. The beliefs that I have attached to what the word "discipline" mean are mine. I think part of healing from addictive behavior and being of service to others means being open to continue to learn and grow in knowledge and wisdom. To be a disciple of knowledge, of growth and continued learning is a value of mine. When I become rigid in my own beliefs, then it is easy to be "right" and make someone else "wrong" and lose my commitment to be of service in love and compassion. Rigid thoughts can lead to rigid behaviors and the disciplined action that feeds and nourishes me are lost as well.

Discipline is required in the spiritual life. Daily, I am called to quiet. Daily, I must choose to sit in prayer and meditation to be filled up and guided for my day. Daily, I am intentional about my time and energy and choose to engage in behaviors and practices that feed and nourish my body and spirit.

Being as sensitive as I am, daily exercise and movement keeps energy flowing as well as releases old energies that do not serve. Being as strong willed as I can be, I choose daily prayer and meditation as a way to connect with my Spirit Guides and Divine Resource for inspiration and to learn humble action.

My intention for service and healthy living becomes the foundation for discipline that honors learning and knowing. When my intention is to surrender to my higher self and be of service by honoring my passions and purpose, disciplined actions to align with that intention will follow.

When I resist the disciplined actions that most nourishes me in spirit and body, I lose this focus and inspiration. There is something holy that occurs when I choose to engage in the physical, spiritual and relational behaviors that honor my intention and divine purpose in life and when I am disciplined and do so consistently.

Discipline may not always be fun and exciting but I know in my heart and soul that when I engage in healthy and nourishing behaviors, on a consistent basis, that I know bring empowerment and vibrancy to my life, it is in service to all. Honoring those actions to care and nourish myself create the structure for my full self-expression and the ability to surrender to the flow of each and every moment.

Discipline is about learning and knowledge and the discipline of a prayer and meditation time daily is the greatest gift for Spiritual connection that I am able to give myself and others.

With love,

Sally

Women's Empowerment

2009-09-16T07:03:00.000-07:00

In preparing for a presentation later this year, I am organizing my thoughts around Women's Empowerment and the stages of empowerment that women go through when dealing with addictive dynamics in their own lives and in their relationships. I am organizing the presentation on Women's Empowerment into Five Stages.

After the denial is broken and help is sought, one begins to see the connections between their family of origin set-ups for cosex addiction and codependency and how these dis-eased and dysfunctional dynamics have been recreated in present day relationships. Hitting a bottom is stage one. Seeing past and present day relationships honestly is stage two. This requires courageous self-honesty and the development of a support system.

Once these connections and the threads of generational dynamics are acknowledged, a woman learns new behaviors. There is the practice of saying "no" and learning boundaries. There is an increased awareness of her own wants and needs and an advocation on her own behalf. As self-care becomes a habit, there is the possibility that conflict may occur in relationships with others and an intensified commitment to one's own desires and wants must occur. This is a threshold of intense difficulty for more women as we have been conditioned in both our families and societies to put others first and give, give, give and give more to our partners, friends, parents, children, churches, etc. We must be willing to walk through the disapproval of others and our own "disapproving" voices inside in order to break free from the bondage of this codependent conditioning.

Stage three is practicing these new behaviors and taking the risk to implement our behavior changes in our lives. At this stage, it is essential to have support. As stated above, we may have "trained" people in our lives to believe we would put their needs and wants above our own and now this changes.

Stage four can be even more intense. In this stage, our integrity and relationship with self deepens. We continue on a consistent basis to put ourselves and our own self-care above ALL ELSE. It is not a passing fad, but it is becoming a way of life. Trust in the process, our Spiritual Source and ourselves is essential here as there will be relationships in our lives that change, grow and even end. We must be willing to allow this process to happen because as our own self-esteem grows and we mature spiritually and emotionally, there may be people in our lives that are threatened and jealous or who simply do not know how to interact with us outside of commiserating and complaining. We no longer spend our time in conversations that involve gossip or see ourselves as victims. We have begun to see our life's circumstances as choices we make. As we honor ourselves first and allow these relationships to settle as they may, new relationships will come into our hearts and spirits. As we trust in the process, our spiritual source and ourselves there will be soul partners who are able to meet us, honor us and hold us in high esteem as we journey together in continued spiritual and emotional maturity.

The last stage of Women's Empowerment is Service, Spirituality and Passion! As we continue bold self-care, we no longer have our energy tied into addictive and draining dynamics with others. We are freed up intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and energetically. We are now consistently connected to our authentic selves and our passions and deepest desires rise to the surface. We pursue our dreams, discover our deepest passions and begin to put our time and energy in these areas of our lives. In our joy and authentic connection with life's abundance, we give back to others. The service may come in the form of mentoring, giving from fullness within to our own families, pursuing the professions that we always wanted, etc.

Each stage requires us to show up with honesty, willingness and trust. The good news is our Spiritual Source and other soul partners will emerge at just the time we need and want them. The greater news is that our relationships with ourselves and others will deepen in love, trust and honor. We will journey together in authentic service enjoying the abundance available and making a difference in the lives of others.

Blessing to all on this journey,

Sally

Ancestral Healing

2009-09-08T05:45:00.000-07:00

When we follow the inner calling on our spiritual path, we influence ancestors of old and of generations to come.

The work that we do as women and men in our addictions and family of origin dynamics will affect generations of old and generations to come. We are transforming our family tree. It is work that we are doing for our mothers and grandmothers and great grandmothers and great, great grandfathers as well as for our children, grandchildren and great, great grandchildren.

Addictive dynamics are passed from generation to generation and we know that this dis-ease of addiction is cunning, powerful and baffling. The pulls of the old learned behaviors of gossip, triangulation, stuffing our feelings, denying our wants, using substances to medicate, raging and staying silent are some of the strongest impulses we have.

This is why we must create personal and professional circles of support, partnerships and containers that are able to encourage, empower and hold with us the intention for healing, transformation and a new way of living.

After having been in 12 step recovery and circles of personal and spiritual healing and empowerment for over twenty years, I wonder if I will always need and want these resources and recovery circles, mentors, counselors, coaches, etc., in my life. I have a fantasy of arriving some day and not wanting or needing them any more.

Today I acknowledge, however, what a blessing my mentors and partners in healing and recovery circles are to me. Doing ancestral healing and choosing to transform addictive dynamics is a good portion of my soul's work to do here. To keep this intention alive and inspired within me, I must continue to create healing circles and relationships with others on the path who will stand with me in times of trouble and despair, holding the intention for service when I am unable to do so. These structures will also be there when I come up against the old, internal messages with the magnetic pull to addictive beliefs and behaviors. I will need the containers with a higher purpose to place my weary spirit and aching heart.

Ancestral healing is not for the weak of mind, heart or spirit. It is for those with a Higher Calling and who are willing to receive the courage and desire for the internal battle and the external pressures of living our soul's purpose. Breaking the addictive dynamics that have helped our families to survive for centuries takes this kind of bold, persistent intention. Our Spirits become a force to be reckoned with and we must commit to continued evolvement in our consciousness and personal power.

Breathing deeping and calling in our spiritual resources, as well as creating empowerment circles with professional and personal connections are a necessary practice for ancestral healing.

Blessings on your journey,

Sally

Humility~

2009-08-23T03:30:00.000-07:00

Humility comes from the Latin root "humilis" which means "from the earth." To me, this means being "grounded" with our feet planted. It is a way of being in reality and keeping oneself in the truth of a situation, whatever that might mean.

Years ago during some spiritual counseling that I received, I described myself as "not being very humble." The woman counseling me was able to read between the lines given the details that I had given her about a relationship I had been talking about with her. She told me that humility did not mean being a doormat. It actually meant standing in the truth of a situation. Sometimes this meant that I might be at fault in a situation and other times it meant that I was not at fault. Her definition added a component of maturity and simplicity to my own thinking about humility and today I have a better sense of what humility means in practical terms for myself and for my relationships with others.

I want to live from a place of humility on a day to day basis and I continue to learn what this means. Some situations seem easier to see from a place of humility than others.

Having had a spiritual awakening in the 12 step program that I have worked consistently for over 20 years, I find that my intuition is highly developed. I do not use addictive substances or behaviors to medicate and distract me from my emotional sobriety and intelligence. I am fully present in my own body, heart and mind. I see, hear and sense with a highly sensitive vibrancy. With this "knowing" and "sensing" I am often overwhelmed with my own energetic vibrations and what I "pick up" on a daily basis.

I also find this high sensitivity is welcomed by many and threatening to others. This clarity of vibration, thought, seeing and sensing mirrors to others who they are and often who they are not. This can be seen as threatening when one is lacking in emotional maturity and sobriety or with one who has not yet accepted responsibility for their own reactivity and triggers. Often, I am blamed, albeit unconsciously, for something that someone sees of themselves when they look into my eyes or the mirror of our relationship.

In humility, I want to learn how to see these dynamics clearly and with compassion. Often I find myself defensive with people's projections and I attempt to control their anger or reactivity. It is an ongoing prayer and intention that I trust what I am able to see, be open to a new perspective and not to engage energetically with someone else's woundedness, blame, criticism and projections. I want to "stand with my feet on the earth" and humbly see what I see with detachment and compassion, rather than engaging my own defensiveness with others. My desire is to see people's hurt and pain with care and understanding, rather than call forth my own protective behaviors.

In Co-Sex addiction, as with any addictive behavior, we must seek the intervention of a power greater than ourselves. We must be willing to see ourselves with our automatic behaviors and defensive patterns and ask for help, knowing that on our own, we are not able to change or alter the reactivity. In seeing what I see, knowing what I know, sensing what I sense in others, I become a mirror for them. I must be willing to be with this gift humbly, without allowing my own fear or reactions to their projections to interfere. If they are not willing to see their own wounds and defensive postures honestly, then I can hold them with compassion and neutrality and not feed the dynamic with defensive energy. They also mirror to me my own reactivity and defensiveness. Today I choose to see these reflections of myself as an opportunity to practice humility, detachment, compassion and neutrality.

Being grounded and with my feet firmly planted, I can source the power of Mother Earth and other Spiritual Resources. In this way, I allow myself to be centered in service and care for the highest good of all involved.

My co-sex addiction and all the hurts, wounds and defensive patterns that go along with it can actually become connection with humility. In my dis-ease, I remember my want and need for Spiritual Connection and a Power Greater than myself. I can choose for the highest good of all involved and surrender my own self-will in any given situation or relationship. My dis-ease and addictive behaviors as are a place of humility and spiritual connection in which transformation and healing come only through my choice to surrender and the grace of spiritual intervention.

Humility means knowing who I am in all my glory. I believe it also means knowing who I am in all my woundedness and seeking spiritual intervention when needed.

In service,

Sally

Boundaries and Spiritual Nourishment

2009-08-03T04:40:00.001-07:00

Boundaries are always a challenge for those of us learning to live in our power and in our love and service for others. Sometimes being detached feels like not caring. And sometimes caring for others feels like there is only room for them and I get lost in the shuffle.

When I am with my family of origin and the community of my childhood, having good boundaries and self care is especially challenging. These are the people that gave me life and gave to me the perspective and values through which I see the world. This is the system in which I learned my behaviors, some that I am grateful for and others I have chosen to unlearn.

There are many values that remain with me that I choose to honor in my life today that came from my growing up. There are some new values that I have developed and matured within that I choose to honor in my life today as well. These are a bit more challenging since the pull to do it the original way that was modeled and taught is still so strong. Sometimes I am not even aware that I am reverting to old behaviors until I start to see some old consequences, and then I must adjust and remember to choose another way.

Years ago when I entered recovery and began to do personal healing and empowerment work, I had a fantasy that people in recovery and personal growth circles would know everything there was to know about boundaries and about healthy behavior and communication. What I discovered is that we are all wounded and act out of our original hurts and poor behaviors with one another from time to time.

Even in 12 step recovery, there are many individuals who do not honor the values of the program and what it teaches. Often, individuals engage in gossip and triangulation. There are times 12 step goers engage in harsh judgments and criticisms of others. I've also seen blame and inappropriate anger being passed from one to another in the 12 step community.

Today I am aware that there is not a single person in my life that does all things healthy, perfectly or even how I might want them to do it. Each person that I love and have a relationship with is flawed in some way. I still have a fantasy that some day, I will find the perfect partner, or friend or relative or colleague who is able to do it as I would and without betrayal, disappointment or inappropriate anger and blame. They will have the perfect boundaries.

This is why my spiritual nourishment and nurturing is so essential in my life.

When I do not take time to care for my spirit and soul, I begin to feel the disappointment of my unrealistic expectations of others and my unrealistic expectations of myself.

When I forget to sit quietly and allow myself to connect with Divine Energy and Source, I begin to feel like I am Divine Energy and Source and start to feel the overwhelming weight of the world.

When I do not take time for my own prayer and meditation practice and being reminded of a Power greater than myself, I begin to engage in controlling behaviors that do not leave space for spiritual solutions or perspectives. My behaviors become automatic, not chosen out of my values and belief system.

In the first step of our 12 step spiritual program we own our powerlessness over others. In doing this step with humility, knowing who I am and who I am not, I open the door to the freedom of choosing self care and self nourishment. When my self care and spiritual health come first above all else, then I am able to choose to give to others from a place of fullness within. I can take care of myself, say no when I want and yes when I want as well. My perspective is realistic and balanced, as are my relationships with others.

Our Spiritual health is as essential as our physical health. In our spiritual connection with the divine, we quiet our minds and settle into listening to the silence. In the silence, there is great wisdom and intuitive nudgings that we learn to follow.

It is a selfish act and one that allows us to give us most generously to others.

Today I will take time to breathe deeply and allow myself to be filled with Divine Energy. From this place, all care and service to others from the place of fullness within will flow without.

Lovingly,

Sally